Randy Paterson

Yeah, I mean, the resentment comes from, you know, wishing that people were different, wishing that people would respect our boundaries, despite the fact that we've never told them what our boundaries are. And we need to recognize that, yeah, expressing this anger is not going to have any utilitarian purpose whatsoever. It's not going to help in any way.

any sense and that really why is it that uh the people around me are using me it's probably in large part because i allow myself to be used and so as understandable as the anger is spraying it outward toward them probably is not going to lead us forward We need to sort of swallow it, maybe beat up a pillow somewhere else, deal with it in some other way.

any sense and that really why is it that uh the people around me are using me it's probably in large part because i allow myself to be used and so as understandable as the anger is spraying it outward toward them probably is not going to lead us forward We need to sort of swallow it, maybe beat up a pillow somewhere else, deal with it in some other way.

any sense and that really why is it that uh the people around me are using me it's probably in large part because i allow myself to be used and so as understandable as the anger is spraying it outward toward them probably is not going to lead us forward We need to sort of swallow it, maybe beat up a pillow somewhere else, deal with it in some other way.

But in this relationship, changing what we're doing, I need to adopt a more assertive style, which is much more calm and much less emotive, I think.

But in this relationship, changing what we're doing, I need to adopt a more assertive style, which is much more calm and much less emotive, I think.

But in this relationship, changing what we're doing, I need to adopt a more assertive style, which is much more calm and much less emotive, I think.

Yeah, well, one of the things that we advocate is that when you're noticing that there's something pulling you away from being assertive, you identify what that fear is. It's very hard to let go of a thought, and thoughts are predominantly what drive fears. It's hard to let go of a thought until you know what it is, because who knows? You haven't looked inside the box. Like, is it a valid thought?

Yeah, well, one of the things that we advocate is that when you're noticing that there's something pulling you away from being assertive, you identify what that fear is. It's very hard to let go of a thought, and thoughts are predominantly what drive fears. It's hard to let go of a thought until you know what it is, because who knows? You haven't looked inside the box. Like, is it a valid thought?

Yeah, well, one of the things that we advocate is that when you're noticing that there's something pulling you away from being assertive, you identify what that fear is. It's very hard to let go of a thought, and thoughts are predominantly what drive fears. It's hard to let go of a thought until you know what it is, because who knows? You haven't looked inside the box. Like, is it a valid thought?

so really use your fear and use that almost like the um the thread on a fraying sweater and pull on it and pull on it and pull on it and see if you can get at the thought what exactly is it that i'm afraid is going to happen and sometimes when you do that you realize Oh gosh, that's pretty unlikely.

so really use your fear and use that almost like the um the thread on a fraying sweater and pull on it and pull on it and pull on it and see if you can get at the thought what exactly is it that i'm afraid is going to happen and sometimes when you do that you realize Oh gosh, that's pretty unlikely.

so really use your fear and use that almost like the um the thread on a fraying sweater and pull on it and pull on it and pull on it and see if you can get at the thought what exactly is it that i'm afraid is going to happen and sometimes when you do that you realize Oh gosh, that's pretty unlikely.

That's never going to happen because you can use your critical faculties on it now that you can actually see what you're thinking.

That's never going to happen because you can use your critical faculties on it now that you can actually see what you're thinking.

That's never going to happen because you can use your critical faculties on it now that you can actually see what you're thinking.

Yep, and if you were in my consulting room, I'd say you are exactly right. It's going to take so much time, so much effort. You're going to have to think through exactly what to say. I'm going to advocate that you rehearse it in front of a mirror.

Yep, and if you were in my consulting room, I'd say you are exactly right. It's going to take so much time, so much effort. You're going to have to think through exactly what to say. I'm going to advocate that you rehearse it in front of a mirror.

Yep, and if you were in my consulting room, I'd say you are exactly right. It's going to take so much time, so much effort. You're going to have to think through exactly what to say. I'm going to advocate that you rehearse it in front of a mirror.

I'm going to have you imagine that this person reacts in seven different ways, and you figure out how you're going to respond to each of the seven different ways. For a movie, give me a break. It's so much easier just to give in this time. But are you going to be happy giving in in this way every time for the rest of your life?