Rob Henderson
speaker
881 appearances
5 recordings
4 series
first heard Apr 2025
last heard 6 Aug
Rob Henderson’s voice in public audio — every appearance, attributed to the second.
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recordings per month · last 12 monthsRecordings per month over the last 12 months — 4 in all, peaking in Aug 2026 with 1.
Appearances
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's that. Yeah. That was one of the most important kind of findings as far as what to avoid for for a red flag. You know, David Buss says one of the things you want to look for is are they able to or how quickly do they return to their emotional baseline?
All of us, regardless of our personality traits and our temperaments, you know, we have a we were capable of getting angry or upset or irritated. But some of us are able to sort of take a step back, take a couple of breaths and sort of detach and think about the situation rationally and kind of calm ourselves down.
But other people, they kind of spiral out like they get angry and then they keep they look for more reasons to get angry. And then suddenly they're off on a on a different path.
And so you want someone who's able to control their own emotions, who doesn't mean not be emotional, but just able to sort of understand that this is what I'm going through, that they're able to identify and label their emotions. This was an interesting finding from, I think the guy's name is Lawrence Ian Reid. He's a professor at NYU. He talks about how...
people with borderline personality disorder, which generally afflicts on average women more so than men, one of the hallmarks of borderline personality disorder is the inability to understand and articulate and verbalize what you're feeling.
So these people, they're kind of like, I'm feeling this thing and very clearly it's negative, but I can't tell the difference between ordinary anger or rage or irritation or just sort of being mildly or moderately upset that it's sort of all or none.
They generally know they're feeling good or bad, but then when it comes to sort of isolating, well, this is what I'm feeling and this is how you're making me feel and here's how it came about, it's difficult for them. Yeah. And, you know, it's sort of a spectrum, you know, it's you got to be careful, you know, basically finding people who are unable to do that.
And then and then, yeah, one of the green flags is, you know, someone who's stable, someone who's able to control themselves, who's able to communicate. And one point I try to make in that piece is. Communication is even more important during a period of emotional tension and dispute and hostility of someone does something that upsets someone else.
That's when communication becomes even more important than it otherwise would be.
you know, the other person's personality and learn about that person during those low times is basically to give it some time, give it some space, allow their relationship to develop. Because, you know, when you're first dating someone that you like, you're on your best behavior. You're showing the best parts of yourself, the most interesting, witty, dynamic, everything.
You're trying to impress this person. You want them to like you. And they're doing the same to you as well. You're showing each other the best versions of yourself. But one thing that the psychologist Sean T. Smith points out, he wrote a book about commitment, is that generally speaking...
About a six month mark, the rule of thumb is after about six months, you do start to learn about that person and basically reveal their true selves to you and how they're really like and how they handle pressure and what they're like when they're sleep deprived, what they're like when they're jet lagged, what they're like when they're having a bad day at work.
and you know for the first couple of months if you have a bad day at work you still you're so excited to see the person you like that the bad day doesn't even bother you but after six months after you sort of uh become accustomed to the relationship then you are more likely to to expose those other sides of yourself so i think that's important too is that i think a lot of people they jump into a relationship it seems so exciting and then they don't realize that um
you know people are different at different stages of the relationship you got to give it time you got to allow them to sort of reveal themselves to you um and then i think it also helps i can't remember who said this might have been on your podcast someone pointed out that a good way to see what another person is like in a relationship is to go on a trip with that that was rogan that was rogan oh yeah on my episode that i did with him the other week where he's like you gotta go on a long trip you gotta go on a long trip and you gotta go somewhere stressful and you gotta go on a long journey
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jet lag, you know, yeah, yeah. Maybe travel coach, you know, like like put it like put as much sort of like stress test the relationship. Maybe seal hell week. Yeah, there we go. And then you'll see, you know, like, oh, that's what this person is like under unpredictable circumstances out of the sort of rosy glow of everyday predictable life.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess, yeah, if you look at the opposite, so you're being unclear and uninquisitive, uncurious about the other person. But yeah, the green flag is, yeah, to be transparent, to say what you mean, to be clear about what your intentions are, what you'd like.
And then, yeah, inquisitive of if you are uncertain, if there's an ambiguity in the relationship, you don't know what the other person is thinking or feeling. that you ask the person about it, and then the other person, you know, ideally, they're not going to be upset with you.
You know, that was one of the other red flags is, you know, basically forcing you to play the guessing game of, well, if you really cared about me, you should know how I'm feeling. And if you really were paying attention, you would already know why I'm upset. But, you know... a more healthy relationship style would be, you know, to just say like, this is what I'm feeling.
This is what's upsetting me and, and, um, go from there. And yeah, it's just, um, you know, all of these things, like it's, it's interesting. There's like a, such a, a wealth of information about assortative mating, mating psychology, what to look for, what are the predictors of a happy and healthy relationship? And, and, And yet there's such little guidance on this point.
And then whenever anyone tries to point this out, especially if you try to promote anything resembling sort of conventional committed relationships, people start to get wary. You know, the slings and arrows come out. There was that story more than 10 years ago now. The Princeton mom letter. You familiar with this? No, there was this. So she was a Princeton alumna whose daughter attended Princeton.
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