Ronny Chieng (performing a bit)

If it's lucky, I touch it. If it's a hole, I f*** it. Can someone in Ireland please tell this guy that skydiving without a parachute is also lucky? Please. And if you want to fondle a sculpture, that's your business. But don't act like you're doing it for good luck, okay? You're in Ireland.

If it's lucky, I touch it. If it's a hole, I f*** it. Can someone in Ireland please tell this guy that skydiving without a parachute is also lucky? Please. And if you want to fondle a sculpture, that's your business. But don't act like you're doing it for good luck, okay? You're in Ireland.

If you need luck, go find a four-leaf clover or eat a leprechaun or make a keychain with Colin Farrell's eyebrow. Luckily for Molly, they figured out a way to protect her from these goofy dipshits.

If you need luck, go find a four-leaf clover or eat a leprechaun or make a keychain with Colin Farrell's eyebrow. Luckily for Molly, they figured out a way to protect her from these goofy dipshits.

Of course, hire some cops. It's a great idea. I mean, sorry, we can't do anything about your stolen car. We're busy fending off statue squeezers. I hope they at least give these guys guns, because I want someone's last words to be, hey everyone, check out me holding this boob. Oh wait, don't shoot, don't shoot! But really, the only way to protect Molly Malone is to move her to my apartment.

Of course, hire some cops. It's a great idea. I mean, sorry, we can't do anything about your stolen car. We're busy fending off statue squeezers. I hope they at least give these guys guns, because I want someone's last words to be, hey everyone, check out me holding this boob. Oh wait, don't shoot, don't shoot! But really, the only way to protect Molly Malone is to move her to my apartment.

And no, it's not what you think. I will raise her like my own daughter. Day and night, I will watch over her, fending off suitors, killing those who wish her harm, and knowing that her safety is the only thing that adds purpose to my life.

And no, it's not what you think. I will raise her like my own daughter. Day and night, I will watch over her, fending off suitors, killing those who wish her harm, and knowing that her safety is the only thing that adds purpose to my life.

Until one day, a nice Irish lad shows up and begs for her hand, at which point I will then lower my rifle and walk her down the aisle and say goodbye to my little girl forever. Anyway, it turns out that statue groping isn't just happening in Ireland. It's spreading across the globe like horny COVID.

Until one day, a nice Irish lad shows up and begs for her hand, at which point I will then lower my rifle and walk her down the aisle and say goodbye to my little girl forever. Anyway, it turns out that statue groping isn't just happening in Ireland. It's spreading across the globe like horny COVID.

Yes, I remember that scene in Shakespeare so well. Romeo, oh Romeo, rub my right tit, oh Romeo. So just so I'm clear on this, thousands of people are looking for love by standing in line to touch a statue. How about you just turn around and say, hey, we're both lonely. Let's get out of this line and touch each other. And no, it's not just women's statues getting action.

Yes, I remember that scene in Shakespeare so well. Romeo, oh Romeo, rub my right tit, oh Romeo. So just so I'm clear on this, thousands of people are looking for love by standing in line to touch a statue. How about you just turn around and say, hey, we're both lonely. Let's get out of this line and touch each other. And no, it's not just women's statues getting action.

The male statues are also getting rubbed raw.

The male statues are also getting rubbed raw.

Hey, buddy, how about you save some of the over-the-pants hand jobs for the rest of us? I mean, these people are dry-humping a dead guy who's just trying to rest in peace when they could be going to town on this Dwayne Wade statue. I mean, look, he's practically begging for it. If there's a silver lining to these sexy statues, it's that they are forcing dumb people to learn something.

Hey, buddy, how about you save some of the over-the-pants hand jobs for the rest of us? I mean, these people are dry-humping a dead guy who's just trying to rest in peace when they could be going to town on this Dwayne Wade statue. I mean, look, he's practically begging for it. If there's a silver lining to these sexy statues, it's that they are forcing dumb people to learn something.

I mean, maybe Americans would be more interested in history if we had slapped some boobs on Mount Rushmore. Hey dad, do you know George Washington had wooden teeth and pepperoni nipples? Thanks statues.

I mean, maybe Americans would be more interested in history if we had slapped some boobs on Mount Rushmore. Hey dad, do you know George Washington had wooden teeth and pepperoni nipples? Thanks statues.

I think I may have detected a little pattern with Senator Obama. It's pretty simple, really. When he's campaigning in Philadelphia, he roots for the Phillies. Then when he's campaigning in Tampa Bay, he shows love to the Rays. That guy's an a**hole!

I think I may have detected a little pattern with Senator Obama. It's pretty simple, really. When he's campaigning in Philadelphia, he roots for the Phillies. Then when he's campaigning in Tampa Bay, he shows love to the Rays. That guy's an a**hole!