Ronny Chieng (performing a bit)

Okay, sorry, can we just go back to the penis wine for a second? Do they stomp on dicks the way they stomp on grapes? Are they squeezing out the penis or are they just fermenting it? I don't know. And I'm really not sure I wanna know. No one should have their dead body violated or their genitals turned into a tasty beverage.

Okay, sorry, can we just go back to the penis wine for a second? Do they stomp on dicks the way they stomp on grapes? Are they squeezing out the penis or are they just fermenting it? I don't know. And I'm really not sure I wanna know. No one should have their dead body violated or their genitals turned into a tasty beverage.

If people are gonna donate, they should at least know exactly what they're getting themselves into. They need to know the truth. Until Arizona puts regulations in place, all we can do is offer competing services. Introducing GiveRonnieYourBody.com. Just give me your body and we'll take care of the rest.

If people are gonna donate, they should at least know exactly what they're getting themselves into. They need to know the truth. Until Arizona puts regulations in place, all we can do is offer competing services. Introducing GiveRonnieYourBody.com. Just give me your body and we'll take care of the rest.

We provide services such as... Be turned into a human ventriloquist dummy. Be used for Weekend at Bernie sequels. Literal body pillow. Be filled at the Oscars.

We provide services such as... Be turned into a human ventriloquist dummy. Be used for Weekend at Bernie sequels. Literal body pillow. Be filled at the Oscars.

Sound horrifying? You betcha. But it's also perfectly legal until Arizona changes its laws.

Sound horrifying? You betcha. But it's also perfectly legal until Arizona changes its laws.

Here in America, we use straws for everything. Drinking, snorting cocaine, Okay, just those two things. But still, that's not nothing. Yet recently, local governments across the nation have been challenging our God-given right to bear straws.

Here in America, we use straws for everything. Drinking, snorting cocaine, Okay, just those two things. But still, that's not nothing. Yet recently, local governments across the nation have been challenging our God-given right to bear straws.

Conservative Big Bird actually has a point here. So I headed to Washington, D.C., the latest city to ban straws, to meet Lillian, an environmental inspector. Her actual job is to go into local businesses and make sure they're not using plastic straws. That's right, she's a straw cop. So what do you hope to accomplish by banning something that's like 0.0000000000001% of our trash?

Conservative Big Bird actually has a point here. So I headed to Washington, D.C., the latest city to ban straws, to meet Lillian, an environmental inspector. Her actual job is to go into local businesses and make sure they're not using plastic straws. That's right, she's a straw cop. So what do you hope to accomplish by banning something that's like 0.0000000000001% of our trash?

If I don't use straws, what do you want me to do? Do you want me to do this? Yes, absolutely, that's what I would love. Lillian explained that over 40% of all plastic manufacturing is single-use, throwaway items that will take somewhere between 450 years and forever to disappear. But still, why are people suddenly so angry about straws? Why do you hate straws so much?

If I don't use straws, what do you want me to do? Do you want me to do this? Yes, absolutely, that's what I would love. Lillian explained that over 40% of all plastic manufacturing is single-use, throwaway items that will take somewhere between 450 years and forever to disappear. But still, why are people suddenly so angry about straws? Why do you hate straws so much?

What do straws ever do to you?

What do straws ever do to you?

Wait, this is all because of a dumb viral video? Look, I've seen a lot of shit on YouTube. How bad could this be? Turns out, really bad.

Wait, this is all because of a dumb viral video? Look, I've seen a lot of shit on YouTube. How bad could this be? Turns out, really bad.

It's a freaking straw. Okay, okay, I'm done. No more straws. But the video did leave me with one burning question. If I stick a straw up my nose, I could get 35 million views on YouTube.

It's a freaking straw. Okay, okay, I'm done. No more straws. But the video did leave me with one burning question. If I stick a straw up my nose, I could get 35 million views on YouTube.