Ronny Chieng (performing a bit)

Some tax breaks at least. We're the ones who need it.

Some tax breaks at least. We're the ones who need it.

We're the desperate, sad people who need that money. I want to say desperate and do something. Are you going out with someone on Valentine's Day?

We're the desperate, sad people who need that money. I want to say desperate and do something. Are you going out with someone on Valentine's Day?

Do you really want this? It's cute. Look at my nails.

Do you really want this? It's cute. Look at my nails.

All right, fine. I'll prove to you it's the worst day. Come on a date with me on Valentine's Day. I'll show you it's the worst day of the year.

All right, fine. I'll prove to you it's the worst day. Come on a date with me on Valentine's Day. I'll show you it's the worst day of the year.

Yeah, Valentine's Day is the worst day of the year. F*** it.

Yeah, Valentine's Day is the worst day of the year. F*** it.

There it is. I direct the Army to change the name of Fort Liberty, North Carolina to Fort Bragg, North Carolina. That's right. Bragg is back.

There it is. I direct the Army to change the name of Fort Liberty, North Carolina to Fort Bragg, North Carolina. That's right. Bragg is back.

Utter domination. There is no other way to describe what the Eagles did to the Chiefs. Talk about a blowout. Even I was like, is there a mercy rule here?

Utter domination. There is no other way to describe what the Eagles did to the Chiefs. Talk about a blowout. Even I was like, is there a mercy rule here?

Uh, no. This country's pretty . Uh, that... that being said, uh, this is actually a good idea. I do like a garden of heroes. I mean, America is so divided, but if we can walk in a garden with statues of George Washington and Neil Armstrong and Paul Giamatti, maybe it'll bring us together.

Uh, no. This country's pretty . Uh, that... that being said, uh, this is actually a good idea. I do like a garden of heroes. I mean, America is so divided, but if we can walk in a garden with statues of George Washington and Neil Armstrong and Paul Giamatti, maybe it'll bring us together.

Yeah, yeah, it's great. Did you say Paul Giamatti? The bald guy from Billions is in your top three? Uh, he's also the bald guy in Sideways and Big Mama's House. Also, I saw him eat a hot dog in Union Square, although that might have just been another bald guy. But either way, American hero. Giamatti's not statue status. At best, he can be a plaque or a name on a bench. A bench?

Yeah, yeah, it's great. Did you say Paul Giamatti? The bald guy from Billions is in your top three? Uh, he's also the bald guy in Sideways and Big Mama's House. Also, I saw him eat a hot dog in Union Square, although that might have just been another bald guy. But either way, American hero. Giamatti's not statue status. At best, he can be a plaque or a name on a bench. A bench?

Uh, the thing people fart and smoke crack on? I don't think so, okay? Paul Giamatti gets a statue, maybe two. We're not putting Paul Giamatti next to Abraham Lincoln and John Adams. Uh, Paul Giamatti won an Emmy playing John Adams, okay? How many Emmys did John Adams win for being John Adams? Ronnie, what the are you talking about? John Adams was the second president and he didn't have slaves.

Uh, the thing people fart and smoke crack on? I don't think so, okay? Paul Giamatti gets a statue, maybe two. We're not putting Paul Giamatti next to Abraham Lincoln and John Adams. Uh, Paul Giamatti won an Emmy playing John Adams, okay? How many Emmys did John Adams win for being John Adams? Ronnie, what the are you talking about? John Adams was the second president and he didn't have slaves.