Ronny Chieng (performing a bit)

You know my entire family has a foot fetish. True. Which brings us to our bet everything wage of the evening. Which useless position player will be the next to wade into the culture war? As always, brought to you by gambling.

You know my entire family has a foot fetish. True. Which brings us to our bet everything wage of the evening. Which useless position player will be the next to wade into the culture war? As always, brought to you by gambling.

This interpreter stole $17 million from Ohtani. That settles it. Interpreters should be outlawed, okay? If you don't know the language, you should just have to guess.

This interpreter stole $17 million from Ohtani. That settles it. Interpreters should be outlawed, okay? If you don't know the language, you should just have to guess.

Oh, wow, big surprise. Of course this is just English. That's the only language your tiny brain can handle. The biggest head, the smallest brain over here.

Oh, wow, big surprise. Of course this is just English. That's the only language your tiny brain can handle. The biggest head, the smallest brain over here.

Oh, what, Finnish? That's not even a real language, you dumbass.

Oh, what, Finnish? That's not even a real language, you dumbass.

Everybody knows I'm a bad son and a selfish lover.

Everybody knows I'm a bad son and a selfish lover.

Well, I hope one of those dads shoves you into traffic, Jordan, because you couldn't be more wrong. As a lifelong WNBA fan since Caitlyn Clark joined the league a few weeks ago, I can say with absolute certainty that that shove was barely a foul. Hey, WNBA needs to get harder if they want me, their target demographic, to keep watching, okay? You hear that, WNBA?

Well, I hope one of those dads shoves you into traffic, Jordan, because you couldn't be more wrong. As a lifelong WNBA fan since Caitlyn Clark joined the league a few weeks ago, I can say with absolute certainty that that shove was barely a foul. Hey, WNBA needs to get harder if they want me, their target demographic, to keep watching, okay? You hear that, WNBA?

Just because you don't have a penis doesn't mean you can't get hard. Just ask Jordan.

Just because you don't have a penis doesn't mean you can't get hard. Just ask Jordan.

Okay, moving on from the greatest women's basketball player to the greatest men's basketball player's son.

Okay, moving on from the greatest women's basketball player to the greatest men's basketball player's son.

Yo, Bronny should not enter the NBA at all, okay? There's zero chance he can live up to the legacy of his father. Go do something else, like being a tall dentist or a tall architect or a medium-sized, world's tallest man. Quit while you're not ahead.

Yo, Bronny should not enter the NBA at all, okay? There's zero chance he can live up to the legacy of his father. Go do something else, like being a tall dentist or a tall architect or a medium-sized, world's tallest man. Quit while you're not ahead.

Overrated? That's just what your mom said to me last night.

Overrated? That's just what your mom said to me last night.