TDS Time Machine | Sports War 2024
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What happened in Kaitlyn Clark's pro debut?
Welcome to the WNBA, Caitlin Clark, the NCAA's all-time Division I scoring leader, made her professional debut on the road with the Indiana Fever last night. She got off to a slow start, though, missing her first four shots before scoring on a layup midway through the second quarter. Clark finished with 20 points in the Fever's 92-71 loss to the Connecticut Sun. She also committed 10 turnovers.
Sorry, feminists. Ten turnovers and the team lost by 20 points in her first game? I've seen enough, man. I think Caitlyn Clark is the worst basketball player in history. She's tall, she's white, and she didn't show up when it mattered. She's the Jordan Klepper of the WNBA. Ronnie, Ronnie, Ronnie.
What are the WNBA's challenges and criticisms?
I'm going to hit you with my car and leave the scene. Let's look at the stats here, Ronnie. Look at these things. She scored 20 points. That's four more than Michael Jordan had in his rookie debut, which mathematically makes her stronger, faster, and better equipped to open a steakhouse than Michael Jordan.
I have a stat right here for you, okay? Look at this. Jordan Klepper didn't lose his virginity until he was 38. Man. You're the god of whatever that is.
Okay, in a way, here's your stat right here. Eat shit, okay? Moving on. We are officially 72 days away from the Olympics in Paris, and the organizers are finding themselves in deep duty, literally.
There's a huge effort to get the River Seine fit for use in the Olympic Games. A report from earlier this month said the bacteria, including pollution of fecal origin, was far higher than the river permitted. Experts say that even a rainstorm could raise E. coli to an unacceptable level, and Olympic organizers still hope that the River Seine can be used for the swimming events.
Ooh, the River Seine is filled with E. coli? That is gross. These athletes are gonna pick up a disease at the Olympics. It should be the old-fashioned way. Unprotected sex in the Olympic Village. Only way to do it. The only way to do it.
Wrong as usual, Jordan. I think the Olympics needs more E. coli, okay? Because if you're a world-class athlete, then prove it by pole vaulting with active diarrhea.
How is the River Seine prepared for the Paris Olympics?
Oh, you love, you love, you love E. coli, Ronnie.
I love it.
You love it. The last time I came to your house for a barbecue, you were sprinkling E. coli on chicken kebabs like Salt Bae, you know? Yeah, I love that stuff. Your hospitality was for the birds, Ronnie, the birds. Two stars. I was puking all night. Yeah, well, I puke from just looking at your oblong face. Oblong face?
Is that right?
Is that how you say it? The point is, just like the Fourth of July at Ronnie's house... The Olympics are going to be rife with E. coli, which brings us to J. Klepp's bet of the week, where you can pick which country will get the most E. coli in the 2024 Olympics. Brought to you by gambling. Gambling. Start spending. You've already won.
And don't forget to claim your 20% bonus boost by entering the promo code KLEPPERSUTS. No. I don't like that.
I told you I don't like that code. It's not you, okay? It's a different clever. It is? Okay, that's fine, then. That's okay. No, I'm just kidding. It's you because you suck. Okay, I suck. I suck. You blow. Who cares? We're all dead inside. Get over it. Let's talk about sports.
All right, speaking of sports, a player on the Kansas City Chiefs is in hot water after making the biggest mistake any football player could make, talking.
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Chapters
7 chapters
1
What happened in Kaitlyn Clark's pro debut?
0:43–1:27
2
What are the WNBA's challenges and criticisms?
1:27–2:54
3
How is the River Seine prepared for the Paris Olympics?
2:54–4:57
4
What controversial comments did Harrison Butker make?
4:57–5:46
5
What gambling bets are discussed in this episode?
5:46–8:49
6
How does Bronny James compare to his father's legacy?
8:49–13:51
7
What led to the retirement of Takeru Kobayashi?
13:51–23:40
Speakers
3 identifiedMore from The Daily Show: Ears Edition
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