Sabrina Zohar

And so we then overlook all the red flags of, well, are they showing, are they holding any space for you?

Do they use I statements or do they blame you for everything, right?

These are the little things that we overlook and not because there's anything wrong with us, but because maybe we weren't taught any better.

And I know I wasn't.

I used to think grandiosity and the charm, oh, butterflies, those are my favorite thing.

Until I found out butterflies are actually your nervous system's way of telling you that you might need to run.

Because if that person wasn't as attractive, you probably wouldn't be as interested.

So that really goes back to that regulating because here's the fallacy that I think a lot of people may not understand about a healthy and secure relationship is if you're having high highs and low lows, then that is inherently not healthy and secure because what we have is intermittent reinforcement.

Are they giving me a little?

Okay, I'm waiting, waiting, waiting.

Oh, I come crashing down.

Then they give me a little.

We're high, low, high, low.

A healthy and secure relationship, for me at least, was a lot less exciting.

It was, oh, when I communicate with you, you validate what I just said.

So I don't have to argue with you.

I don't have to prove my worth.

And for a lot of us, that can feel really scary.

I know when the first time I set a boundary, I was terrified.

I was so scared.