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Ellen is taking CBD now. Ellen has a meditation app. Ellen is not going to get too involved this year. How are you feeling so far?

Ellen is taking CBD now. Ellen has a meditation app. Ellen is not going to get too involved this year. How are you feeling so far?

Well, for the first couple of weeks of the school year, everything goes pretty fine. Like, Ellen's oldest daughter is having a great time at her internship, and she hasn't asked for a skirt suit or a copy of Lean In yet. Okay. So, so far, so good. Good. Thank God. And for a hot minute, it seems like the annual eighth grade fundraiser might even be pretty tame this year.

Well, for the first couple of weeks of the school year, everything goes pretty fine. Like, Ellen's oldest daughter is having a great time at her internship, and she hasn't asked for a skirt suit or a copy of Lean In yet. Okay. So, so far, so good. Good. Thank God. And for a hot minute, it seems like the annual eighth grade fundraiser might even be pretty tame this year.

So like I said, there are three eighth grade classes at Briarwood. From here on out, we're going to be referring to these classes as classes A, B, and C. So Ellen's daughter is in class A. Hazel's youngest son is in Class B, and there's no one we care about in Class C. So fundraising starts off relatively chill. At first, there are like bake sales and craft fairs and things of that nature.

So like I said, there are three eighth grade classes at Briarwood. From here on out, we're going to be referring to these classes as classes A, B, and C. So Ellen's daughter is in class A. Hazel's youngest son is in Class B, and there's no one we care about in Class C. So fundraising starts off relatively chill. At first, there are like bake sales and craft fairs and things of that nature.

And these are all mostly engineered by the children themselves. But things start going off the rails when the silent auction rolls around. Now, Briarwood parents are the kind of people that could very easily donate, like, dinner on a private yacht or a magnum of champagne or whatever rich people have. I don't really know, but they could donate a lot of shit.

And these are all mostly engineered by the children themselves. But things start going off the rails when the silent auction rolls around. Now, Briarwood parents are the kind of people that could very easily donate, like, dinner on a private yacht or a magnum of champagne or whatever rich people have. I don't really know, but they could donate a lot of shit.

So to stop things from getting too crazy, the biggest rule for the silent auction is that nothing can be auctioned off that the kids did not obtain themselves.

So to stop things from getting too crazy, the biggest rule for the silent auction is that nothing can be auctioned off that the kids did not obtain themselves.

Well, so at first the auction items include like a personal flash mob by the eighth grade dance team or a cutting from the heritage roses that are growing in the Briarwood Greenhouse. Okay. But I'm sure you can guess that these are the kind of parents that always find a way to get involved.

Well, so at first the auction items include like a personal flash mob by the eighth grade dance team or a cutting from the heritage roses that are growing in the Briarwood Greenhouse. Okay. But I'm sure you can guess that these are the kind of parents that always find a way to get involved.

So one student in class B has a dad who's like a longtime theater producer in the city. And the producer has this kid write a note to a Broadway star begging for her to take part in the Briarwood fundraiser. And the producer hand delivers this note to the Broadway star's dressing room. So now one of the items for auction is a private dinner with this Broadway star.

So one student in class B has a dad who's like a longtime theater producer in the city. And the producer has this kid write a note to a Broadway star begging for her to take part in the Briarwood fundraiser. And the producer hand delivers this note to the Broadway star's dressing room. So now one of the items for auction is a private dinner with this Broadway star.

In class A, the class that has Ellen's daughter in it refuses to take this lying down. One of the kids in class A, their mom's best friend, is a celebrity fitness instructor. So when the kid asks if their mom's friend will donate a lifetime membership to her classes... A lifetime? Of course the celebrity fitness instructor says yes. This is insane. Do you think any of this constitutes cheating?

In class A, the class that has Ellen's daughter in it refuses to take this lying down. One of the kids in class A, their mom's best friend, is a celebrity fitness instructor. So when the kid asks if their mom's friend will donate a lifetime membership to her classes... A lifetime? Of course the celebrity fitness instructor says yes. This is insane. Do you think any of this constitutes cheating?

Ellen is determined not to care. Her meditation app just dropped a new course on somatic breath work.

Ellen is determined not to care. Her meditation app just dropped a new course on somatic breath work.

New year, new Ellen.

New year, new Ellen.