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Appearances
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan's Own
Conan O'Brien needs a fan. With Conan O'Brien, Sonam Ovsessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Supervising Producer, Aaron Blair. Associate Talent Producer, Jennifer Samples. Associate Producers, Sean Doherty and Lisa Byrne. Engineering by Eduardo Perez.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan's Own
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Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan's Own
I'm glad you asked this because actually we have a syrup taste test to do.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan's Own
Let's bring them in. We have syrups here that we're going to try.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan's Own
Does she not even exist? Was she a real person? I saw Mrs. Butterworth move on a kitchen table. She's gotta be real.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan's Own
This is tough because I really want to drink these. It looks so good.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan's Own
Oh, I don't think you would. I'm going to keep that in. I'm going to keep that in the podcast.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan's Own
Yeah, but we're all going to taste all of them, I think. So the first one is the pure maple. Can you read that again?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan's Own
I play by the rules. He's the older sibling on Christmas morning that won't let us go look at our gifts. I know. I remember those days.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan's Own
It's just like Mrs. Butterworth. There's something so wonderful about drinking out of a shot glass too.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan's Own
Oh, yeah. Okay. Sure. Yeah. Let's read the description here. Maple walnut syrup. Matt's syrup is made from the sap of maple and walnut trees. It's mostly sweet, but just a tad. Just a tad, but nutty. Excuse me. I'm just reading what he wrote. In honor of Professor Gorley. Thank you, Mike. Conan, you go screw. Go screw.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan's Own
If you're grilling. And then also, baste that on there? Oh, that'd be so good.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
I have. I have. Yeah. Even the biggest naysayers. You get them on your side.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
Specifically the James Bond references. That's Matt.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
Of course. To James Bond. It all goes back to James Bond.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
I would say the entire Real Housewives franchise. I mean, if you know...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
There's Salt Lake City. There's Atlanta. There's Orange County was the original.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
That's not good. Okay. That's not good. All right. But yeah, you know, what else? I mean, I think, when I think of, you know, popular shows, I think of Real Housewives, but that's all I can think of off the top of my head.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
Like Teresa from New Jersey. She's a classic.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
Yeah. Do you know? You're very, I don't know a lot of the characters.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
Yeah, yeah. You guys are like a couple detectives on the first 48. Yeah, what?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
What is the difference? They're reality. It's a different kind of reality.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
Okay. All right. All right. Why can't we do docuseries?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
That's such a long pause. That's a long pause, Eloise. She's a fan of yours. You just answered my question.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
Who are you? You would be like, I'm on the next flight out to the Philippines to meet your dad and make him love me.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
Someone was shining a, like, well, because it is like a laser pointer. That
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
It's not really a flashlight. It's a no, no, it's a laser pointer.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
Don't they have the mom in the window? Yeah, they have her like a mannequin. It's not real.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
I adore my mom, but we have a generational divide and a cultural divide.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
Oh, okay. Well, okay, so they still make this jacket, and I found it, and you very generously offered to buy me a new one. So I went with your credit card, which I have, and I bought a new jacket for myself.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
Okay. And then, but then I realized what I did was I just bought you like ammo for me. Yes. And that's not, I don't know why I did that.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
I did wear it. It fit me like a glove. It was like stretched in.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
OK, come on. It's so cool. Don't I look cool in it, though?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
A lot of the things that we lost, we've been trying to find versions of it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
isn't there that you guys lost a poster what is it a cell an animation cell from king of the hill oh that tack loved and so it's the first time i've ever really done this i asked greg daniels my old writing partner and good friend and who who i've who i've gotten to know really well over the last few years and not few years but a very long time i've been working for you
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
And I asked him, I said, do you have any or know where I could get one? And he gave Tack the exact one that he lost. And it felt like it was just coming back from the dead.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
And she sent it to the two of us. Like, why didn't I get a dick laser pointer? Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
I hope so. I mean, it is, it does feel like you're bringing things back from the dead, which is cool. This jacket meant a lot. I loved this jacket and I really thank you for doing it. Although I do know you're, you're just doing it so you can keep the riff going.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Carol Leifer
How come I'm the only one not talking like this? Because you haven't heard a small stroke.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Carol Leifer
She's gorgeous, though. Here's a grumpy photo of her with a hemorrhoid donut on her head because she couldn't chew one of her wings. It's a very good-looking cat.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Carol Leifer
Yeah. Oh, man. Well, this is the third time, unfortunately, we've had to give her an enema, not personally.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Carol Leifer
So she has to go to the vet because she's, first of all, she's psychotic and she's obsessed with food. So if we don't feed her in the morning, she meows incessantly until we wake up and do it. So then we got an automated feeder that would dispense dry food, but that constipated her. And that's when we had to give her these enemas.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Carol Leifer
Now we finally found this wet food automatic feeder where you could load it the night before and it has ice packs. And so she'll sit there and stare at it all night long until it goes up, but she doesn't bother us. But she still got constipated.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Carol Leifer
Well, she gets constipated. And so we're on like 24 hour poop watch, hoping she'll poop. And it goes, you know, sometimes it'll go a few days and we start to get really worried. So we take her to the vet and they want to give her an enema. But what that means is she comes home and she's just like, like if a toothpaste tube was missing the top.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Carol Leifer
Okay. I told you this was disgusting and you still wanted to do it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Carol Leifer
Unbelievable leakage. And she also does this thing that we call 2D scooching, where she sits on her butt and pops her hind legs up in the air and pulls herself with her front legs and just scoots along the floor, whether it be hardwood or rug or whatever.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Carol Leifer
Do you remember those old toys that you used to draw with a wax crayon on a mat and then you'd put a car and the car would follow the wax crayon? No, I don't.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Carol Leifer
The same way that people knew what I was talking about with the Inka Binka bottle ink, the cork fell out and you stink. They'll know what this is.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Carol Leifer
Okay, so some days we'll come home and there's just this like,
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Carol Leifer
Trail around the house. Didn't you have an Okie shit story?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Carol Leifer
You need to stop that right now. This cat is my life. This is the only being in my household that acknowledges, that gives me any attention, okay? The other two are off on their own all the time. This cat loves me, sits on my lap. We're bonded. And you want to take this from me?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Carol Leifer
Margo would just never tolerate it. She would rip it off. She's insane. Yeah. Our vet tried to put her on Prozac.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Carol Leifer
And what happened there? We didn't do it. Why not? I don't know.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Carol Leifer
One time she ate chocolate. Oh, great. Well, this will go well.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Carol Leifer
We did not. She got it. She gets into everything. She will eat vegetables. She'll eat anything. And she went to the bathroom in a closet that was so disgusting.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Carol Leifer
And by then I hadn't remodeled it. So where the floorboards met the wall, there was like a half inch crack. And I remember just, it was so disgusting that I just put, I disinfected it, but I put baseboards on there and cocked it all up. You sealed it into the house? It's there forever? Just like the bodies in the pool in Poltergeist, someone's going to open these up one day.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Carol Leifer
Maybe once a year this seems to be happening. Oh, that's not so bad. No, but it's harrowing when it does happen. She's just this oddity. One time we were living in a second story apartment and she was so big that she would sit on the ledge that it started bulging out the screen on the window. And then...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Carol Leifer
she fell out the window but rode the screen down like remember in temple of doom when they ride the raft out of the airplane she rode the screen down and i looked down there and she was just fine she was just fine yeah oh my god she's insane wow maybe it's time
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Carol Leifer
Yes, she comes and goes right now. She's because she's a little constipated. Although after today, she's lost weight.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Carol Leifer
She's fine now. She's fine, I should mention. When she's in her sweet spot, you know, on my lap, there's nothing better. I wouldn't put that thing on my lap for a million dollars.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Carol Leifer
This is like when you have to buy tampons for your wife at the grocery store.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Carol Leifer
Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend with Conan O'Brien, Sonam Ovsessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao. Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair. And our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Carol Leifer
Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Brit Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Carol Leifer
And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Carol Leifer
Because I'm her doctor and you have the exact same DNA makeup.