Spencer Matthews

I was very young.

I didn't believe it when I first heard it.

You know, my parents told me he's gone missing on the mountain, you know, and then subsequently that we probably won't see him again.

And I just thought, what a load of rubbish.

I didn't believe it for a second.

Then, of course, nobody at the memorial again, like, you know, where is he?

And then, of course, you grow out of these feelings that you'll see him again, obviously realizing that you definitely won't.

You know, I have lived a life of extraordinary privilege.

But, you know, I'm trying to put myself in difficult positions a lot of the time to really understand.

And that came out in my feelings during Project 7 was that, you know, is it because I've had, Michael aside, you know, a very lucky, easy life, shall we say, that I enjoy the pain?

Because I do.

I like it.

Like, genuinely, I enjoy... When the challenge...

was going pear-shaped and when it was rough as hell, I would come alive then.

And I thought to myself, I love this feeling.

You know, it's exciting and it feels good because it's, you know, personal trauma or, you know, my brother's death aside, I have had an easy life and I think it's nice to rough it up a bit sometimes.

There's been a shift in that.

There was probably a conscious effort before.

Less so now.

I think the distance between my former self and me now is such that that's no longer necessary for me to really think about.