Stephen Bush

Hiding the golden ghost train, HS2.

Can you explain why?

Yes.

Oh, good.

That is correct.

APPLAUSE

How much have they spent so far?

£44 billion?

I think the technical term is shitloads.

They're going to smash through the £100 billion barrier.

Does that strike you as value for money?

Yes, well, the Heidi was Heidi Alexander, the transport secretary, who gave quite a cross update on the HS2 project, which has already been scaled back, compromised, rejigged and de-jigged.

At the current rate of progress, the first train will run on HS2 tracks around the same time as the entire population of Earth has blasted off to a new life on Alpha Centauri.

The entire project, which will slake our deep-seated national thirst for slightly shorter journey times on one of the nation's already quickest rail lines as soon as probably the late 2040s at this rate, will end up costing over £100 billion.

For £100 billion, they could have just picked Birmingham up and moved it next to London.

LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Well, that brings us to the end of this week's news quiz.

Our winners are Kiri and Chloe.

APPLAUSE

but I had just been told that they were spying on me while I was writing the questions from behind a hedge, so they're disqualified.

So Stephen and Robin are now our winners.