Tara Mohr

That for most women, oh my gosh, we're like out here trying to be relational and kind and also get something done at the same time.

It's already impossible.

No, it's a huge thing.

And this is called the double bind in research.

And it's this phenomenon that women are often perceived as either competent or likable, but not both.

And that effect is just as strong when women are looking at other women.

So absolutely think about how you're evaluating people.

I also always say people think about how you're thinking about and sort of regarding your bosses because women will do this thing of the mean woman boss and the meanest boss I ever had.

And some of that is, you know, there's complex dynamics there, but I think often we're holding those senior women to a very different standard of the kind of niceness and people-pleasing we would expect that's very hard to maintain while you're also making difficult and controversial decisions and you're trying to get real things done.

This is one of the reasons for so many people, this whole thing that I call unhooking from praise and criticism is so important because a lot of times we are getting feedback that is informed by

some of these biases and kind of unfair boxes that we're putting women in.

Well, first of all, just knowing, like when you gather a group of women and you say, how many of you were told you were too abrasive?

And you thought it was just you that heard that in that one performance review and lots and lots of hands in the room go up.

And then you realize there's no one in this room that hasn't either been told she's too abrasive or too quiet.

That's kind of a relief.

And then in terms of how we each show up as women, we want to really bring all the warmth that sometimes is strategically useful, the warmth and the desire to connect, but also bring our competence and really show that.

What we often end up doing is saying, in order to be perceived as likable, I'm going to diminish my competence and kind of hide it and be tentative about it.

We want to amp up both.

We want to amp up

both.