Tig Notaro

Didn't feel great. So I left the party. Then like nine months passed. And I happened to be out to eat with that same friend of mine, Pam. And there was a party of 10 seated right behind us. You guys are not going to believe who was sitting there. Any guesses? Just think about, what's that? That's correct. It was Taylor Dane. Pam said, oh my gosh, you have to say something to her.

Didn't feel great. So I left the party. Then like nine months passed. And I happened to be out to eat with that same friend of mine, Pam. And there was a party of 10 seated right behind us. You guys are not going to believe who was sitting there. Any guesses? Just think about, what's that? That's correct. It was Taylor Dane. Pam said, oh my gosh, you have to say something to her.

And I said, no question. Because I still love Taylor Dayne. But I didn't know what to say to her. And then I realized the best thing that I could say to Taylor Dayne would be the exact same sentence that I said the first time. So I turned around. and I interrupted her entire dinner. And I said, excuse me, sorry to bother you, but I just have to tell you, I love your voice.

And I said, no question. Because I still love Taylor Dayne. But I didn't know what to say to her. And then I realized the best thing that I could say to Taylor Dayne would be the exact same sentence that I said the first time. So I turned around. and I interrupted her entire dinner. And I said, excuse me, sorry to bother you, but I just have to tell you, I love your voice.

And she said, my speaking voice? And I said, Yes. I was sitting here with my friend. I heard someone talking behind me. I said, I need to turn around and compliment this person on their speaking voice. And what I didn't realize at the time was that Taylor Dane was pursuing an acting career, which I guess is why she was no longer accepting compliments. And her singing voice.

And she said, my speaking voice? And I said, Yes. I was sitting here with my friend. I heard someone talking behind me. I said, I need to turn around and compliment this person on their speaking voice. And what I didn't realize at the time was that Taylor Dane was pursuing an acting career, which I guess is why she was no longer accepting compliments. And her singing voice.

Then like a year passed. And at this point, I've told all of my friends about my run-ins with Taylor Dane. and how she's the easiest person in the world to run into. Like, I'm not even convinced that she's not here tonight. So I was at my writing partner Kyle's house, and my phone rang, and it was Sarah Silverman. And at the time, Sarah was dating Jimmy Kimmel. And Sarah called and said, guess

Then like a year passed. And at this point, I've told all of my friends about my run-ins with Taylor Dane. and how she's the easiest person in the world to run into. Like, I'm not even convinced that she's not here tonight. So I was at my writing partner Kyle's house, and my phone rang, and it was Sarah Silverman. And at the time, Sarah was dating Jimmy Kimmel. And Sarah called and said, guess

who's promoting a new CD on Jimmy's show tomorrow night. You guys will not believe who it was. Yes, it was Taylor Day. You're good with patterns. Sarah said, I want you to come down to Jimmy's show tomorrow night. And I want you to say those exact same words that you said the other times. And I said, no question. But I didn't end up having to go to Jimmy's show the next night.

who's promoting a new CD on Jimmy's show tomorrow night. You guys will not believe who it was. Yes, it was Taylor Day. You're good with patterns. Sarah said, I want you to come down to Jimmy's show tomorrow night. And I want you to say those exact same words that you said the other times. And I said, no question. But I didn't end up having to go to Jimmy's show the next night.

Because that same day... That Sarah called me at Kyle's house. Kyle and I took a lunch break. We ordered lunch to be picked up. We walked across the street... to the strip mall where the restaurant was. Kyle was walking in front of me. I was walking behind him. We walked up to the restaurant. He opened the door. He looked at this table. Then he looked back at me. Then he looked back at the table.

Because that same day... That Sarah called me at Kyle's house. Kyle and I took a lunch break. We ordered lunch to be picked up. We walked across the street... to the strip mall where the restaurant was. Kyle was walking in front of me. I was walking behind him. We walked up to the restaurant. He opened the door. He looked at this table. Then he looked back at me. Then he looked back at the table.

And I was like, Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course she's here. And Kyle and I walked over to the counter where our food was waiting for us, and Kyle was just pacing back and forth, about to have a stroke. And I was like, what is your problem? And he said, nothing, I'm just really uncomfortable right now. And I said, why? And he said, because I know what's about to happen. And I said, yeah.

And I was like, Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course she's here. And Kyle and I walked over to the counter where our food was waiting for us, and Kyle was just pacing back and forth, about to have a stroke. And I was like, what is your problem? And he said, nothing, I'm just really uncomfortable right now. And I said, why? And he said, because I know what's about to happen. And I said, yeah.

And I can't wait to do it. I said, this has nothing to do with you. I said, this is between me and Taylor Dane. I said, but what I do need you to do, when I go up and interrupt her lunch, I want you to take my cell phone and just point it in the general vicinity and videotape me talking to Taylor Dane. Just so I finally have proof. And Kyle said, okay.

And I can't wait to do it. I said, this has nothing to do with you. I said, this is between me and Taylor Dane. I said, but what I do need you to do, when I go up and interrupt her lunch, I want you to take my cell phone and just point it in the general vicinity and videotape me talking to Taylor Dane. Just so I finally have proof. And Kyle said, okay.

So I walked up to Taylor Dane's table and I said, excuse me. Sorry to bother you. But I just have to tell you, I love your voice. And she said, thank you. And I was like, oh, that was weird. But the best part was when Kyle and I went back and looked at that video footage. You didn't hear me talking to Taylor Dane. You just heard Kyle in an imaginary conversation going, oh, hey.

So I walked up to Taylor Dane's table and I said, excuse me. Sorry to bother you. But I just have to tell you, I love your voice. And she said, thank you. And I was like, oh, that was weird. But the best part was when Kyle and I went back and looked at that video footage. You didn't hear me talking to Taylor Dane. You just heard Kyle in an imaginary conversation going, oh, hey.

Hey man, what's going on? I'm having lunch. At the chicken cafe, at the pizza, at the California chicken kitchen pizza kitchen cafe. So the person that Kyle made up in that conversation was the world's most difficult human being that will not let the easy stuff slide. The person on the other end of that call is going, whoa, whoa, whoa, back up, dude. Where are you having lunch?

Hey man, what's going on? I'm having lunch. At the chicken cafe, at the pizza, at the California chicken kitchen pizza kitchen cafe. So the person that Kyle made up in that conversation was the world's most difficult human being that will not let the easy stuff slide. The person on the other end of that call is going, whoa, whoa, whoa, back up, dude. Where are you having lunch?