Tom Ballard

You don't have anything of value.

No one's coming to evade or attack you.

Britain isn't a target.

It's an embarrassment, okay?

You need to relax.

The leading cause of death in the UK isn't terrorism or Russia or China.

It's dementia.

OK, 70,000 deaths a year.

And there was a big study in 2023 finding that a Mediterranean diet could be really effective in protecting people against developing dementia.

So that's all.

You don't need to increase the defence budget.

Just spend the current budget on buying pensioners loads of prawn and halloumi and you're done.

No, you voted leave because you've all got f***ing dementia.

Keir Starmer has rejected the idea of not doing enough for defence.

In fact, in an interview with the BBC, he pointed to cuts to overseas aid as evidence that he was able to make difficult decisions to increase spending on defence.

Ah yes, the famously politically difficult decision of cutting overseas aid.

You know how much the public and the capitalist class, how angry they get when you cut overseas aid?

That's a real can of worms, which presumably is what a lot of people overseas living in extreme poverty will now have to leave.

Of course, cutting the aid budget to fund the military, that's really just a reallocation of funding, which still does get to the same poor brown people.

It's just when it comes through defence, it arrives considerably quicker.