Troy Conrad
Appearances
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Yeah, yeah, man. Smile, bitch, please. Goddamn. Bitch look evil in the front row. That's evil as fuck. I just changed my profession. I am now a magician. Somebody give me a purse. Somebody please give me a purse. I'm magic now, nigga. I do magic shit. That was easy as fuck. I do magic, give me a purse. That was easy as fuck. That guy was fat as hell. Back to this minute, that's not going to work.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Here we go. You know, I went to the Black History Museum in D.C. What's so fucking funny? That's not funny. I went there, I saw a lot of history, and it was dope. I liked it a lot. My favorite part about the whole museum was I met this thick-ass white bitch, and she was crying at the Emmett Till exhibit. So I whistled at her, because... Times have changed.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
If you so sad for the nigga bitch, make it up to me. That's my time.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
I never had a purse, nigga, please. Please go back behind that curtain, nigga. It was good, man. Very fun.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
It was dope, man. My little cousin. I fucking hate you, Red, man. That's some bullshit. Nah, you know what's bad about it? What's really bad, they had a... So the whole thing was dope. It was cool as shit. The shit, y'all love it. But the worst part is that after my whole family was there, because my mama's birthday was this weekend, and my grandma came, my little cousin came.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
My grandma was, but... My grandma was like, I knew that bitch. Because she old. Nah, it was dope. The worst part about it, though, the worst part, there's like a cafeteria there, and all they sold was fried chicken and collard greens. And I thought that was some bullshit. I did not like that at all. But the rest of it was pretty cool, man.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
It was white as fuck. A lot of white people in there. That's what I told you. A thick-ass white bitch in there. She was thick as hell, bro.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
He don't know what he got on. That's what I'm upset about. He don't know. What is it?
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Yeah, it was dope. My little cousin, they took her out of school so she can come see it with my grandma and shit. And she didn't give a fuck. How about 9-11? She's six. I was like, look, that's Harriet Tubman. She was like, Harriet Buckman! And then walked away. She don't give a fuck about none of that shit. But she had a good... The funniest shit, you know, I be doing vlogs and shit on the road.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
And my auntie is like a... She a thug. That's like my best friend. And she called me. And she was like, you see... That's her daughter. She was like, you see my daughter? I want to tell you something. Put that bitch on camera. She a star. Usually, when people call about their kid, they go, don't put my kid on camera. Mine's like, put that bitch on camera, she a star. Hell yeah. And we didn't.
KILL TONY
#697 - RFK JR + ARI SHAFFIR
Do you have a gay voice, or is that how you talk to these guys? Nah, this is how I talk to everybody.
KILL TONY
#697 - RFK JR + ARI SHAFFIR
I just like seeing those black women get, like, you know, from behind. It's so good.
KILL TONY
#697 - RFK JR + ARI SHAFFIR
You know, there's a template. You can download a template online, though. You just fill in your name, and it looks like you have a positive or a negative...
KILL TONY
#697 - RFK JR + ARI SHAFFIR
The girl that was being grabbed was also really chill about it.
KILL TONY
#697 - RFK JR + ARI SHAFFIR
So wait, I got this report this weekend that you made a woman cry and she had to leave with her husband. Is this true? Is that what you were getting at?
KILL TONY
#697 - RFK JR + ARI SHAFFIR
Like my mom, you seem very mean to women. Are you gay or something, maybe? Are you a little gay boy? Wow, look at Red Band roasting. I wouldn't tell you. Whoa.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Yeah. Yeah, Red Band's on the lookout here. Had some kidney shit today. What do you mean you had kidney shit today? I got, like, I get my blood tested. Oh, God, tell us more. Your kidney's a little weird, but it's frames of, like, it's probably fine.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
This is clearly a sign from God. It's so weird. We both look like vitamin D deficient.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
So I get a full panel every couple months and stuff. And they just said, oh, it's a little high, but that's within, like, that's probably fine. It's just normal flux.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
All right. Well, Misty. Estrogen, I guess, also. I have a lot of that.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
I didn't really ever care about stand-up. I need a fucking... I'm fucking dying here. Please, God. I know I'm not funny at all. But please, fuck. My asshole. I don't know. Do you have, like, a reward for it? I'll ship it 40 bucks. Oh. There you go.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
One time I stole a couple's baby right out of their fucking cradle with an AK-47. I don't like babies. He should steal his kidney. That would make sense.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Let me help you out. No, man, I've got... You have an extra key I could borrow so that I could come and do some work while you're on vacation? You can trust me. Look at the fucking crow on my head. I was bullied when I was a kid.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Thank you to our sponsors, Red Band. Check out the movie Ford Fairlane, one of my favorite movies growing up. It used to be on my answering machine. My hair, my hair. I love you, Dice.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
How's it going, everybody? My name is Leslie Childs. I'll just tell you a little bit about myself. I'm a single father. I've been raising my son by myself now for 11 years. Now, that's a long-ass time to be doing something by yourself, right? So you're probably wondering the same thing everybody keeps asking me, where the mom at? And that's a fair question.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
And I love telling people the honest God truth because there's nothing fucking funnier. See, when my son was two weeks old, my baby mama, that bitch took off with a midget. That's not a punchline. This bitch actually took off with a midget. And to this day, I don't know what pisses me off more. The fact that she took off with a midget or the fact that a midget was wearing cargo shorts.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
You ever seen an emo midget wearing cargo shorts? That shit will hurt your pride as a man. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Honestly, he looked like he was coming down on his shortcomings though, for real. But look, on some serious shit though, my son, he's 11 years old and knows half the periodic table and the first 22 digits of pi.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Not to pat myself on the shoulder, but I don't think I did too bad for a guy who failed the retarded class every year, right? And look, this bitch had the nerves to call me back up after about a week, talking about the midget was throwing beer cans at her and fucking hitting her with cans and shit. I was like, bitch, that sounds like a short relationship. Y'all, that's been my time.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
I have been trying to get on this show for almost four and a half years, man.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Dude, the shit I've been through just to try and get on this show will blow your mind, dude.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
All right, so I've drove from South Carolina, where I'm from, to here multiple times. My first time was for the H-E-B Arena show. All this is on YouTube. I took and traveled from there with no gas, no food, no money. Told jokes the entire time just to get by at gas stations and shit. My car broke down five times in every fucking state.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
There was a person coming here to see the show on HEB with a ticket, helping me to get my car fixed. And again, it's all on YouTube. Shit that comes out of my mouth will blow your mind, but just take in mind, everything I'm telling you, including my joke, is 100% true. I believe you.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Yeah, dude. You know, everybody's seen that red car sitting underneath the bridge. Dude, that's my car. It's been here since December.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Probably about five times. I also drove from South Carolina to the L.A. one. Again, no gas, no food, no money.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
You wouldn't believe all the people that told me I wouldn't get here, dude. That was a waste of time. You're retarded. You're never going to make it. I did fail the retarded class, but I made it. Fuck them.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Here you are. What do you do for work, Leslie? I'm fully disabled. See, I'm legally classified as... This is usually where I lose people, so sorry. But I'm legally... It's okay.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
I'm legally classified as suicidal, homicidal, bipolar, childhood motor, depressed, slight schizophrenia, OCD, ODD, ADHD, and slight night terrors. I got more issues and more coverage than AT&T.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Tony, I've been telling everybody for a long time, I'm your wet dream, dude. Like, the story, I see how surprised and amazed this man gets when he hears a true story, but the problem has been that every single time you hear these crazy true stories, they only got like one or two of them, dude. I got a fucking list of them. Oh, thank you. Oh, and I got a fucking truth. Every single one of them.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
The security guard back there, he had to pat me down. The security guard had to pat me down. He's like, you got any knives? I was like, dude, I ain't even allowed sharp objects.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Hi, you. Thank you. Your mythical best. All right, now, bear with me. Hear me, hear me. Yeah, fuck. Hear me, hear me.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
All right, now, y'all, seriously, bear with me, dude. It's literally my handwriting. I did fail the fucking, you know how you fail the retarded class? Okay, yeah, what?
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Are you fucking, you're there until you're 21 and they kick you the fuck out? Okay.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
All right, so number one, my baby mama took off with a midget. Again, all this shit is true. Number two. I ran away with a girl from the nuthouse. Number three, I married a girl out of spite to piss off my father. Now, funny thing about this, somebody told me I spelled spite wrong. It's spelled spit, S-P-I-T, so... Oh, well. Number three, I married... Oh, no, I already did that one. Fuck.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
All right, number four, I was kicked out of a woman's house for beating my meat for four days straight.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
All right, so... I hate my father, dude. Me and him always go at it. He fell out of a tree last year, and I was like, fuck it. But, um... So, I was... All right, so... Make this your set.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Dude, I gotta... All these are true. All right, so... I was writing, you know how a steam mirror, and when you steam in the bathroom and you can write shit on the mirror and shit? I was drawing pentagrams and shit, you know, just so they would pop out and go, I don't know the devil. And so I was like, I love seeing people's reaction and mainly fucking with people.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
And so he did what I like to call church hopping. He went and found this Christian girl to come talk to me about our Lord Jesus Savior. And so that night I took her to the park and I fucked her. And like literally everything was going good for about three months. And then one night she looks at me and goes, I'm going to go to a store and get some milk. And I was like, cool.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Well, two weeks later, we found her in a psychiatric ward the next day, over sweating up and down. This is a lot right here. I had to Google most of this.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Apparently, and she was swearing up and down that Apache helicopters were landing in my father's backyard talking to her about the Masons who apparently were after her because she knew that they killed her mother in some organization called the Red Coat was at our wedding. When we didn't even have a fucking wedding, we eloped. We didn't even have rings.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Tony, do you know what the fuck they give you when you ain't got rings? No. Pipe cleaners. Mine was blue.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
All right. What's next on your list? That was only number four, dude. Damn, you didn't make it far. We got 50 on here. All right. I fell asleep in one school and woke up in another school. I walked over 100 miles just to get away from my family. The best way I can describe myself, dude, is like, the actual forest gum, like, for real.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
I stole my mom's car when I was 12. I actually did that a few times. You ever been in a situation where you did some shit as a kid, and then you grow up wishing that maybe they would have caught you just so you can brag about it, and then you have to tell them? I do all the time.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
That exact line. I told somebody the exact line, and DJ J, her father didn't think it was very funny, though.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Like the old Letterman top ten. Number eight. This one just happened last year. I was shot several times with a pepper ball gun infused with tear gas. That was by my aunt. Fuck you, Tina. Anyway. Keep going. Number nine. All right. Fuck you, Tina. Ooh, last year, my father stole $30,000 from me. Fuck you again for that. How did you have $30,000?
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
All right. So again, all right. So I've been institutionalized since I was five years old. All right. In and out for a long time for six plus years until I was 18. I could say I'm never going back. Literally, just so these motherfuckers can go, OK, he's not in the picture. We got a family. Perfect thing. And when he gets out, we get paid. So that's been pretty much my entire life.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
No, so I took and I decided that I was going to try and pursue comedy through welding, right? Of course. It took a lot. As you do.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Well, I'm a single father, so I had to figure out how to do this and do that at the same time.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
And so I was going to do travel welding and get paid for it. Travel welding? Yeah. Interesting. And so anyway, for like four or five years, I wasn't accepting my disability because I thought that if you made too much money, then you're off disability. Apparently, that's not the case. And they owed me money. And me and my father, we got the same first, middle and last name.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
And so he was like, oh, I'll take advantage of this situation. And so I ended up in a car. How you doing? You've been staring at me pretty hard.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
I've been a single father for 11 years. I've been on more medication than any child should ever have to take. Let me stop you for a second. Let's talk about this 11-year-old.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Right now, he's in a car with a friend of mine. Don't worry. The windows are up. He's not going to drown. It's raining right now. Hold on. Hold on. What? Yeah. All right. So we live in my car. Me, my camera guy, and my son. My camera guy? Wait. What?
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
No, he was like getting kicked out of his place. And I was like, look, dude, I've been coming back and forth here for four years trying to figure out best ways to live out of my car because I lost everything to COVID, dude. I lost my job, my house, my truck. And so I said, fuck it. If I'm going to struggle, then I'm going to choose my struggle.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
But I'm damn it, I'm going to do comedy and I'm going to be the best father I can be. So fuck anybody who says you can't.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Yeah, dude. Anybody who meets this kid loves him. He's smart. He's not shy. He's fucking outgoing. Literally, he knows half the periodic table in the first 22 digits of the pie. I put a lot of time and effort into him. I've known I wanted to do comedy for a long time, because if not for all these fucking crazy-ass stories, why not comedy?
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
About three and a half months. About that long. No, some of this shit's new. Some of this shit's old. About that long right there. That's how long he's been here.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
If you actually think about it, it takes a lot of effort if you do it the right way. If you're seriously trying to make sure that DSS, which I've already been tested four times, comes up to your car, you've got to have the receipts. You've got to make sure your car is clean. You've got to make sure he's clean. I only dress like this on Mondays.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Alright, so I got a membership with a why we also there's organizations that help you out with showers and stuff. Like I said, for three years, I came out here scoping out everything to make sure it was possible. I wasn't nominated 2017 Father of the Year Award through South Carolina for nothing.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Huh? I don't know. I didn't show up. Fuck me. Tim Walz. No, I was nominated.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
I've been taking because when I moved here, I didn't know nothing about comedy. I didn't know anything at all whatsoever. I didn't know a set from a bit, dude.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Yeah. And so I basically told everybody, look, I'm going to use this as a as a platform trying to figure out things I know and things I don't know to even try to ask about. And so that's all I've been doing is watching your show, taking notes, and figuring out, okay, how to make a joke, where should I go and learn shit, and shit like that. That's how I've been starting.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Can I please show me where a camera is? Y'all don't understand how much I hate this bitch, Tina.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
All right. Tina, fuck you. Fuck you, son. I told you I'd get here. I told you I could do this. I told you I was fucking funny. Fuck you. Wow.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Wow. Did I also mention I made D Madness a sweater? I hope he got it.