“In sickness and in health”: what no one tells you about caring for a loved one
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What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
Hey, it's Shamita. Just a heads up, I am having a baby, my second baby. And so I'm going to be stepping away from the mic for a little bit. Pretty soon, you're going to hear some amazing guest hosts, starting with Sam Sanders, the award-winning podcast and radio host. Until then, here is an episode that we recorded before I left. I hope you enjoy it. This is In Conversation from Apple News. I'm Shamita Basu. Today, when the vow in sickness and in health becomes a uniquely American burden.
When Laura Malden was 27 years old, she was a sociology grad student in New York City. One night she went to a WNBA game with some friends, and that's where she met Jaye.
It was sort of like a lightning strike, as they say, and that was kind of it. From that moment, we were never apart again.
Just weeks into the glow of their new relationship, Jay told Laura that her leukemia, which had long been in remission, had returned.
She told me that this is kind of the last chance. I have to have this thing called a bone marrow transplant or this will kill me.
Jay's parents were both dead, and Laura, newly in love, quickly stepped up to help with Jay's care. The bone marrow transplant was followed by appointments and more treatments, doctor's visits, and consultations that started overwhelming their lives. Laura didn't notice the shift at first, but over time she went from being Jay's romantic partner to being her full-time caregiver.
I think all of us think about or want to think about illness in this way. Oh, I just have to do X, Y, Z. And on the other side of that, everything will be resolved and I can go back to my life. But there was no going back. And as it kind of drug on longer and longer, I realized, oh, this is my role. I became the one to do it all.
It's been two decades since Jay died. Laura is now a professor of sociology at the University of Connecticut, and her time as Jay's caregiver inspired her new book, In Sickness and in Health, Love Stories from the Frontlines of America's Caregiving Crisis. In it, she talks with dozens of couples about how illness and disability have strained their relationships and reshaped their lives, often because America's thin health care system leaves families without support.
What personal experience led Laura Mauldin to become a caregiver?
And a warning that this episode does mention suicide. I sat down with Laura to hear some of these stories about, as she puts it, the consequences of being the one.
I think we have a fantasy of our romantic partner being the one and everything to us, such that when you are in a relationship, or at least I felt this way, that it was primarily my job to do everything. No one else is living with her 24 hours a day. No one else is the person who has to get her to the emergency room. There are just things by virtue of being a partner and living with someone that you're intimately connected with that other people aren't. And so I think being the one is something that happens in a really invisible way because it's subtle and it's intimate and we don't necessarily question the role of someone's partner or spouse. There are consequences to that that are both good and bad.
Because when you're very good at it, you also ensure that that person is getting the best care. You're the one that knows exactly how they like to have this particular, you know, tea made or this particular dish. You know exactly how they like their pillows, you know. There's this exquisite kind of care that can happen when you're that knowledgeable about someone that's wonderful.
Yeah.
Yeah. But it can also make you reluctant to want to delegate those tasks to someone else.
For sure. And it can make your partner reluctant to let you delegate those tasks as well. Right. Right.
Well, tell me more about what you wanted to do with this book and your decision to include your own story, because it sounds like you have this personal experience, but then you also have an academic experience of thinking through these topics on a social level and on a political level.
Yeah. I mean, the book is 20 years in the making, honestly.
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Chapters
5 chapters
1
What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
0:00–2:36
2
What personal experience led Laura Mauldin to become a caregiver?
2:36–8:53
3
How did Laura's role shift from partner to caregiver?
8:53–14:48
4
What challenges do couples face when navigating illness and caregiving?
14:48–16:33
5
How does the healthcare system impact caregivers and their loved ones?
16:33–23:50
Speakers
3 identifiedMore from Apple News Today
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