Armchair Anonymous: Spring Break
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What are the common themes of spring break disaster stories?
welcome welcome welcome to armchair anonymous i'm dan shepherd and i'm joined by lily padman hi today is crazy spring break disaster stories what a right place for a disaster there's so much alcohol consumption yeah you're on the road you're out of your known environment freedom for maybe the first time you have very high expectations
That's right. That's right.
It's a lethal combo. Yeah. Guess what? Things go wrong.
Please enjoy Crazy Spring Break Disasters.
Hello. Hi, is this Mary? This is Mary. What are all these fun posters behind you?
Ari Shafir signed our poster. We love to go to comedy shows, me and my boyfriend. And then out of the park, I'm from Cleveland. So it's a Cleveland Indians little kid pitching a ball. And we just got back from Vegas in December. So there's our cash out voucher. There's like nothing on it. And then that's from a brewery in Montana that says Maverick Mary. And I insisted I had it because it was my name. These are all very personal. These ones aren't. That's Joe Dirt. Just a favorite movie.
And are you currently in Cleveland or where are you at now?
I am in Cleveland. Born and raised.
Great. And you have a spring break story.
A disaster of a story, yes.
Yay! The worse, the better.
It was 2017, my senior year of college. It was my birthday weekend, actually. I was turning 22, and a bunch of girls and guys from my sorority and a fraternity that we were close with decided to go to Fort Lauderdale. So our first big trip. My parents weren't really thrilled, but... We did it. So the first two days went really, really well, you know, just drinking, pool, beach, typical spring break. But that third day I was really hungover. So I decided I was like, oh, I don't think I'm going to drink today. It always starts off that way. But I actually did stay sober. So we're at the beach. And one thing about me is I cannot pee in the ocean. Like I'm just super pee shy.
Can you articulate your fear? Is that that something's going to go back up your urethra after you open it or it'll attract an animal?
I don't think something's going to go up there. I think it's just the pressure of I have to like really focus. There are people around.
You're not stable enough. Too much motion.
Yeah, too much motion. I need to be just right. So I was like, okay. I'm going to head back to the hotel to go pee by myself. The sand is extremely hot, so I just grab any shoes I could find. And they were like my friend's size 12 Crocs. I go back to the hotel. I go pee, call my mom, check in like, hey, everything's going great. And then I was heading back down to go back to the beach. And the road that I had across to get back to the beach was A1A. So I don't know if you guys are familiar, but one of those main... So it was four lanes of traffic, two coming each way.
Oh, boy.
So there was multiple people standing with me in the crosswalk. And I looked to the left because that was the direction that the cars were coming. And the vehicle in the lane closest to me had stopped. So I thought I had the all clear. And then I started to walk. And then all of a sudden, everything went black.
No.
Oh. Yes. So I'm not sure how many minutes passed by, but when my eyes opened, I was laying on the asphalt in the middle of the street and people are yelling that I couldn't move my neck and then do not get up. The asphalt was burning me. It was so hot. It was a 90 degree day that someone from the hotel actually ran to get a towel to put underneath me. And mind you, all I was wearing was a little black one piece bathing suit with these men's size 12 Crocs laying in the middle of A1A.
Yeah, the thing I'm most worried about is the asphalt burning your skin.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It went from getting flattened like a pancake to now sizzling like a sunny side up egg.
It turned out that I was hit by a minivan that was in the further lane that did not stop for pedestrians in the crosswalk. And the van ended up being an Uber that was actually driving around other spring breakers.
Oh, wow. A lot of witnesses.
So this caused so much commotion.
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