Chapter 1: What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
Wondery Plus subscribers can listen to Armchair Expert early and ad-free right now. Join Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dan Shepard. I'm joined by Lily Padman. Hi. Now, this prompt really hits home for you personally because you're a known thief.
No.
You're a known and admitted thief.
Okay. I was once a thief in my younger years.
Yeah.
Particularly age six.
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Chapter 2: What personal theft experiences do the hosts share?
Yeah, I wonder what percentage of people get through their whole life without stealing. It's got to be very low, right? Everyone's done a little.
I hate that I'm about to do this. This is not my normal MO.
Okay.
I do kind of think shoplifting isā Cool. No.
Oh, okay.
Is a female... Heavy? Yeah. It leans female heavy as far as the, like, vices.
Well, I think that people who have the kleptomania... Yeah. We could even look it up now. But, yeah, I do think it does skew.
I know. It's interesting.
It is. There's some kink about it.
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Chapter 3: How does shoplifting affect societal views on theft?
Yeah.
You wouldn't pay for them. Sure. So I think it's in you. Yeah. And like me, I have to murder. You know, people come into the village, they want to take the children and the wives who are busy taking.
Scurrying around.
Stealing.
Yeah. I will be, I want to be very, very, very clear. I've never shoplifted. Never? No.
Okay. I have, but I really stopped young. I don't think I did it as an adult other than when it was like past 2 a.m. and I had to have alcohol.
Oh, then you can't. That doesn't count. Yes, that counts.
No, that does not count.
Of course that counts.
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Chapter 4: What humorous theft stories do the guests recount?
No, I fucking got it out and drug it all the way up to my apartment. And Brie woke up, obviously, before me and said, why is there a parking with the whole cement base? Yeah. I can't believe I didn't tear any tendons getting it up into my apartment. And as I told you, there was just a scrape mark for a block where I drug it down the sidewalk.
You didn't do a good job hiding it.
Barney Fife could have cracked this case wide open.
Yeah.
Okay.
Okay.
Without further ado, please enjoy Stealing.
Hard times come and go. Good times take them slow. My life, I had them all. But one thing you got to know, I'm going to keep on shining.
Shelly? That's me. Hi. I'm so grateful for your headset. You sound impeccable.
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Chapter 5: What unexpected consequences arise from stealing?
What a funny dichotomy. It is like a very childhood thing, grounding versus a very adult thing, pregnancy.
I know. So it's up to us to get her a pregnancy test. And the school I go to is down the road from the grocery store. And God forbid, a bunch of 14-year-old girls actually buy a pregnancy test. So we decide that we're going to steal it.
I bet that and condoms are the number one stolen thing.
There's a reason that they store them right in the same area together, right underneath the big window where the manager can see, which you don't think about when you're 14. The three of us, my good girlfriend, Ashley, and my bad girlfriend, Jenny, we head on down to the grocery store and we're devising our big plan. We walk in the door.
They're going to do recon and I divert off to go to the deli to get a big pickle out of the big pickle jar because what else am I going to do? I love the big pickles. Yeah. And this was back when you would just get it in a bag and pay for it at the checkout. So we go to the aisle with the personal care goods.
And we have this big elaborate plan where we lean in and we get it and walk down the hall a little way. And there's a pet display. And we make this big show of like leaning in to pretend to look at how cute a dog on a label is to something like, oh, how cute. While she's shoving it in her back. Yeah.
This is an elaborate plan.
We barely make it halfway down another aisle and we get stopped by a manager. You know, you stole, you come with me right now. And we get taken back up to the back office, the three of us. Because there were cameras? I realized this later in hindsight. Literally, the back of the store had a second story with the offices and those double mirrored walls. So they were looking straight at us. Oh, no.
Yeah, yeah. So we're in the office and they full-blown call the cops. This would have been 2001.
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Chapter 6: How do the hosts reflect on their past stealing incidents?
They didn't go that far.
No, no, no. But I was very surprised to learn there's no cushions in the back seat. It's just that hard plastic, which makes sense.
Because so many men are soiling themselves as they get put in there.
So we go to the station and all they're doing is calling our parents. We're not actually being booked or charged or anything. So good girl friend Ashley's parents show up and they are horrified. Poor Ashley herself is horrified. She can't believe what she's gotten herself into. Her parents forbid her from ever speaking to me again.
Jenny, being the one who actually shoved it in her backpack, may have gotten a little charge and had to stay longer. And then they call my parents and my mom and my older brother, who had gotten out of prison a week prior for robbing a bank. No. Oh, my God. Oh, no. They show up and they're just laughing. And I'm laughing because I can't take this serious enough.
And we all just laugh our way home. And that was my... First and last encounter with the law because I tried to steal a pregnancy test from a grocery store. But fun little P.S. The friend that we thought was pregnant, she was pregnant, had that baby. And then the daddy left her and had a baby with Jenny, the one who stole the test. What a twist.
What a fertile guy this guy was. He was not as good at the pullout method as he thought he was.
Most people aren't as good as they think they are. We should have been stealing condoms instead.
Yeah. Yeah. They need to be free. We're going to save a lot more money down river.
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Chapter 7: What insights emerge from discussing the nature of theft?
Congratulations. That's hard to do. Thanks.
And last follow up, did you and Ashley abide by the edict or were you friends anyways?
It's a small school, so we certainly saw each other a lot, but it definitely stopped the sleepovers. I looked her up on Facebook a while back and she seems to be happy, married kids doing good as well. Jenny went to prison for beating up her mom.
Oh, OK. You shouldn't beat up your mom. Well, I don't know.
We don't know. Maybe those mom asked for it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I had a buddy in junior high, Nick Havostick, and his father did not want Nick to be friends and told him he couldn't be. And I've always thought this was so poetic. He looked his dad in the eyes and he said a wall of fire couldn't stand in between me and Dax. Aww.
Isn't that incredible? That is sweet.
A wall of fire.
Aww.
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Chapter 8: How do personal stories shape our understanding of crime?
I'm kind of obsessed with going there.
I imagine it's up north of Poughkeepsie, up by the Roosevelt Mansion and that area. Yeah. By the CIA, the Culinary Institute. Yeah, that sounds right.
It's right by First Bloom. I'm pretty sure. It's in the shadows of First Bloom.
I'm pretty sure. Okay, so you have a stealing story. I'm going to call this the greatest beer run ever.
You want me to say part two because I think that's a movie.
It is?
Yeah, the greatest beer run.
Oh.
Zach Efron. Zach Efron.
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