Transcript generated automatically by AI and may contain errors.
Chapter 1: What is the premise of today's episode of Armchair Anonymous?
Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Buck Rogers and I'm joined by Jean Lightyear. And today is stealing part three. Tell us about a time you stole something. People are stealing stuff. They're out there stealing, especially you. Yeah. You've done it once or twice. A little bit more, but still not a ton. Okay. Okay. It wasn't a pattern. No, I had friends that were much worse.
Okay. I'll just say that.
Chapter 2: What humorous stealing stories do the hosts share?
Okay. And I had friends that were better. You. Thank you. Yeah. I stole once. Cookies. Yeah. Please enjoy Stealing Part Three.
Hey, Dax. Hey, Monica. Can you hear us? I can. How are you? Wonderful.
Chapter 3: How does the story of stealing a concrete donkey unfold?
Where are you, John? Currently, I'm actually in a fishing slash skiing cabin in southern Vermont.
Oh, boy. I just read that's one of the safest places in the country, Vermont. Do you feel safe there, John? I do. We are in the middle of absolutely nowhere. Oh, wow. And is this a cabin you own or you've rented or you're a guest of?
This is actually a yearly fishing trip. And this is year number 36. Whoa.
That's so cool.
With friends or family? Friends and family.
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Chapter 4: What consequences arise from the donkey theft story?
It's made it through COVID and wars and you name it.
I love that.
That's such an enviable tradition. Yeah, that's beautiful.
Shout out to my friends who helped me set up this spot. And what kind of fish are we getting? Is there one we're after in particular? Trout. Trout.
And you eat them or you just catch them? Personally, I have a shellfish allergy. I don't eat fish. I don't partake in that part of it, but it's good just to be here.
Yeah. When buddies have tried to talk me into fishing, I'm like, let's start with the fact that I do not want to eat a fish, period.
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Chapter 5: What is the significance of the guest's stealing story in Vermont?
I don't care how well you cook it. And then also, they're slimy. I'm not dying to touch one. And then the bait... Also gross generally.
For me in general, it's not great, but we go along with the theme of the weekend.
Okay, so wow, already shocked because you have such a trustworthy face. But you're a fucking thief, John. You're a terrible thief. Yes. You're a bad, bad person, John.
Not my proudest moment, but I have stolen.
Sure, I have too. Me too. We've all stolen.
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Chapter 6: How does the guest's experience with shoplifting at Kohl's develop?
Rob, have you stolen? Yeah, probably. Probably? It's like kind of universal. Makes you realize a lot of shit's getting stolen, right? I think a lot of people are stolen.
Okay, set the stage for us. I actually grew up in one of the boroughs in New York City. So this happens in one of the five boroughs. I'm going to leave that out. We'll try and keep this somewhat anonymous. Okay. So this is the summer of a little bit hazy, 1999, maybe 2000. Not quite 21, maybe a year out of high school. A little bit of a different time.
Chapter 7: What unexpected events occur during the guest's heist at the spa?
All of us had fake IDs. We were able to go to bars. So we, one night, just decided to go out and have a few drinks. Got a little creative, you know, how those nights can go. We go about our business. We have a good time. We did the right thing. We walked. Now these are city blocks. We're probably 10, maybe 15 blocks from my house. So we decide to walk home.
Now, fast forward to the next night, we were having a party at my house. So we thought it would be great to have a party favor just to kind of share with the group. So on the way, another friend of ours house, very old school Italian family. So grandparents off the boat.
Chapter 8: What lessons does the guest learn from their stealing experiences?
I don't know if that's actually a thing off the boat, but that's what we say. Sure. Yeah. Now, if you can picture, they had in their front yard a, for lack of a better way of saying it, a concrete donkey. So this is decorative.
For people who have not been to some of the boroughs in New York, this is kind of standard fare for the Italians, right? They like a nice lawn statue.
Really? If it's made of concrete, you can see lion's heads, you can see donkeys.
Wow. It is a thing. I went this Christmas, my brother and I went to one of these neighborhoods. I think it was deep in Brooklyn, but it was like, it's known for every house is so decorated. And we were walking along there. Aside from the incredible light decorations, it was like, again, a ton of lawn statues.
You can't help but notice. So we thought it'd be a good idea to transplant one of these statues from... my friend's house to my house, just to joke for the party the next day. And he wasn't with you in your group of guys that were at the bar, right? No, there were just a couple of us at the bar. So we thought it'd be a nice surprise for him the next day.
A little bit fuzzy on the details, but it was buried. They are quite heavy. I've looked them up. They're probably in the realm of 100 to 125 pounds. This one had been there for quite some time, so it was a bit in the ground. So we must have had to have done a little bit of work just to get it up. We bring the donkey back to my house.
We think we go through the kitchen upstairs to the bedrooms and off to bed. Next morning, bright and early, I wake up to what I can only describe now is just blood curdling screams coming from the kitchen in my house. I'm awoken by this. I come out of the bedroom. I look downstairs and just a murder scene. Blood and dirt and handprints and drag marks all over the wall.
The floors are covered in mud. Oh, my God. So it turns out the donkey was buried a bit more than we had remembered. It was on top of another concrete block, probably a good eight to 12 inches into the ground. We, of course, coming from a bar, had no tools in us, so we used our hands, we used whatever we could find to dig it out.
Those were the remnants of us thinking we just gently went off to bed. It's just an absolute mess everywhere.
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