#143: Never Have a Boring Conversation Again!
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Why do most conversations feel shallow and how can we fix that?
What I think is people really don't ask good questions. I agree. And I think it's a problem because I feel like people end up in these shallow conversations and then don't know how they end up staying so shallow. Yeah. And I think sometimes people just communicate, but they don't think about communicating better. You know, there's a lot of Gimmicks out there and a lot of people think they're fine. You know, like I've been communicating my whole life. How could I be bad at it? And as a professional in communication, I look at it and say the whole world is full of bad communicators. I'm just trying to eliminate some of those bad communicators.
Yeah, like why do you leave conversations? Yeah, like why do you leave conversations feeling empty or like nothing went anywhere?
Well I think one of the problems 'cause the the question you're asking is about depth. And that's because we're asking too many closed questions. We're asking too many questions that are not the really the right questions, in other words, focused on opening somebody up.
Okay, so what's a closed question then?
So a closed question is a question that we ask where there's limited options for response. So I might say, Did you bring your car here? Yes or no. It's a it's a small answer that you're going to give versus what's your car like? Okay. Which you could have a whole paragraph response. Yeah.
It was like, actually I got it from my uncle and it's this whole like then you've learned so much about me.
So it could be a whole paragraph. And and you and I use a very a variation of the open and closed question. But too often I think sometimes people get into patterns where they use too many closed questions and then they don't feel like they're getting the depth. And my comment would be because you're asking too many closed questions, you don't leave a pathway for somebody to actually give you a big answer that has a lot of data in it. Yeah. So if I just say like I could say to you, Oh, did you have a good day? Yep. Yeah. Or I could say, What was your day like?
First date this is like first date struggle, like early dating struggle. One o like how many people have you dated? Can I tell you a horrible, horrible first date didn't have a second date? Oh because of exactly closed questions. Okay. We're at breakfast and I've asked him so many questions now. I start getting ridiculous with my questions, but they must have been closed because it did start to feel like an interrogation. And at some point I literally said, Like, you know, you could ask a question too. He's like, Yeah, if I if I wanna know something I will. Oh okay. We're done. We're done on this date. You don't even want you don't care. No second date. Yeah. So this is basically no curiosity when you ask a fix fixed closed question.
I'm hearing not really curious about much else than exactly the one thing I'm wanting to do. Or you just don't know or maybe you just don't know that you're doing it wrong.
Okay. Yeah. And I think because of that, we need to start thinking about ways that we can get people to talk.
Okay.
Okay. And so it's really comes down to tools. And you know I'm a big believer in tools. Mm-hmm. Right. So I like the idea that we're going to be better at those tools. And, you know, the first one's gonna be the open question, obviously. Okay. And so and it's not so much that you have to have the open, open question. You could have a moderately open, but the point is don't just have it be closed. Okay. Don't don't just say, Did you eat dinner? Did you let the dog out? Did you get that thing for the kids?
What is the difference between closed and open questions?
Did you pull the car in? These are all closed questions that don't foster more conversation. And so that open question is going to be very different. And the open question is going to be something where I know that you're going to take the conversation in any direction because it of the open pathway. But here's what we have to remember. If you're gonna open up the pathway, you're committing to the journey. So if I ask you an open question Then I need to hang around for the answer and let you answer.
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Chapters
8 chapters
1
Why do most conversations feel shallow and how can we fix that?
0:00–3:41
2
What is the difference between closed and open questions?
3:41–8:30
3
How can open‑ended questions deepen dialogue?
8:30–13:48
4
What is mirroring and how does it encourage people to talk?
13:48–20:01
5
How do fill‑in‑the‑blank prompts boost conversation?
20:01–25:23
6
What does research say about letting others talk more?
25:23–29:44
7
How can these tools be applied with children and in everyday life?
29:44–35:35
8
What homework can help listeners practice these communication tools?
35:35–35:41