#145: When You Shut Down Mid-Fight, This Is What's Happening Inside You!
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What is stonewalling and why does John Gottman call it a relationship “dashboard” warning light?
So in this episode, we're going to talk about stonewalling. And here's the crazy thing. You might think you know what the word is, but it's really based on John Gottman's research, and it signals the end of a relationship. Now, you might think, wait, that's just a pretend thing. I haven't really heard of somebody breaking up because they don't talk about a topic. Well, we're going to cover that in this episode. We're going to talk about what stonewalling is, how it can be dangerous to your relationship, and we'll even surprise you with some of the research about men. I just had a burst from my Coke Zero. Can we include that? I was literally, yeah, I was literally falling asleep on the car ride home because I was on self-driving and I was like, oh my gosh, you better slam a Coke Zero when you get there. Okay, so we got to break down stonewalling. Now, one thing that we all talk about a lot are the four horsemen of the apocalypse. So let's talk about it here. So scary sounding, my God. Yeah, so that's right. Okay.
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse basically is a set of research that John Gottman's done over 45 years. And basically, John Gottman, if you don't know him, very famous researcher from the University of Washington who did a lot of work on relationship termination. And basically, he started his research out trying to figure out how to get a wife. No, he didn't. And so then he actually got a wife. Her name's Julie, and we'll talk about Julie at some point in the podcast. But he set out to figure out what keeps people in these enduring relationships. So what are the qualities that keep us together? But also more importantly, what are the qualities or features or warning lights that come on in our relationships that we should watch out for? And he broke down in his research four of these horsemen of the apocalypse, and Stonewalling's one of the four.
Now, how I like to think about it is I like to think about it as a dashboard for our relationship health. Just like you'd be driving a car down the highway and you would see a light come on and you'd go, ooh, check engine light. That's bad. I should probably do something about that. I'm kind of bad. I don't always do something about it, but I tell my husband to do something about it. Which is really applicable here. You should fix this problem. Yeah, that's actually very good. That's very good. So when one of the four or all of the four start flashing, that signals that there's some warning going on in the relationship. Now, John teaches this a little bit differently than I do. John says this signals the end of the relationship. According to his research, it's a signal that the end is near. For me, I'd go a little bit more medium on that. And I would say, I don't know that it's near, but I would say that if you have an intense long-term flashing relationship,
I think John's right. The relationship's going to end. So that means that we need to have a conversation about this important one called stonewalling to figure out what happens when you and I just basically shut down. We don't have the conversation anymore. This light is going to flicker on the dashboard. Okay. Shut down. Like, like you're feeling like attacked, like, like you're like, I got to fight you on this or what do you mean? Well, I think when we think about emotional flooding, that helps a little bit here. Someone who's stonewalled basically can no longer have a productive, rational conversation. So that means that when stonewalling is happening, there's a shutdown. Like offline. Good. Yes. Offline. And when we're offline, we can't just get back online. But
It's not a possibility. So what happens is somebody might be in a conversation. We talked about it being close relationships. So let's talk about it here. In a close relationship, you get on maybe a difficult topic or somebody says something that's a little bit triggering. And if you have that emotional flooding, something takes over your body, the sensation, and you're no longer able to have the conversation. So that means you might have higher emotions.
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Chapters
7 chapters
1
What is stonewalling and why does John Gottman call it a relationship “dashboard” warning light?
0:00–7:14
2
How does emotional flooding physically affect a person during a conflict?
7:14–13:43
3
Why are men more likely to stonewall and stay flooded longer than women?
13:43–20:07
4
How is stonewalling different from defensiveness and what are the risks of repeated shutdowns?
20:07–26:13
5
What practical steps can the non‑flooded partner take when someone is stonewalling?
26:13–32:29
6
How can the flooded partner self‑soothe and plan a comeback conversation?
32:29–39:11
7
Why is scheduling tough conversations (e.g., finances, kids) essential for relationship maintenance?
39:11–45:27