#144: How to Spot a Fake Apology (and Give a Real One)
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Why do crappy apologies feel empty and how do they shift blame?
I'm sorry if I offended you. Like, why bother? Why do I feel like I've lost? Why do I feel like a failure? Why do I have such a hard time owning my shit?
I think there's small things that we were probably going to let go anyway. So if you did a bad apology, I might just be like more stupid.
I just felt like hot, like instantly when I heard that and was like, listen, I need to show by my behavior changing that I hear you.
So the message received is the one that counts. Okay, so here's a major pet peeve of mine. When people give crappy apologies. Yeah. Don't you hate it? Yes. You know, like, I'm sorry you're feeling this way.
I'm sorry if I offended you. Like, why bother? I'm sorry you hurt your own feelings. Haven't you heard that, Mary? Someone said that to you. Yes. Yes. Yeah.
I'm sorry. You were just being a jerk or like, or the, for me, the part of that pet peeve is like, I'm sorry, but when you did this, like, that's why, that's why I was sharp or I'm sorry. You know, I'm sorry. Yeah.
Oh yeah. You already know. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. No, I don't actually. No, I don't. That's why I'm still wondering about our relationship.
And those things make me think like, okay, fine. Say that. Say that person's a jerk, but don't act like that's actually an apology.
Or how about the one where they don't give it and they say, I guess I owe you an apology. Which you still do. And we're still waiting.
Still waiting. Yeah. So these are good examples for like what doesn't work, right?
So for those of you listening, you got to tell us what your worst apologies have been. Put them in the comments below and let us know what you have been told, which are bad apologies. You know, things like you already know I'm sorry. I'm sorry you think something about me. I'm sorry if you're having an issue, you know, some real gems. I'm sorry you're sensitive. So good. So we hear these bad apologies. And honestly, when you think about the anatomy of an apology, what's a good apology? I mean, it really comes down to a couple of things. We know the emptiness of when we hear a bad one for sure. So after you hear the bad one, you might think to yourself, okay, what's the good one then? The good one is essentially going to be about the person who got offended or the person who got transgressed against.
So what does that mean? It can't be about you. When you're apologizing, it can't be about you. So you can't end up explaining your way out of it or shifting the blame or distracting the listener. None of these things are real. It all has to be about you. Now we can talk about the specific anatomy, but essentially if you and I don't take responsibility, it's never going to fly. Okay.
So you're owning up. And correct me if I'm wrong, I feel like being specific is helpful here when you can name like the actual transgression or like a compliment when you name instead of just saying like, oh, good job. Like when you're specific about something, it holds more weight.
That's exactly right. This is a topic that I teach in my university classroom. And in my career, I probably read 30 studies on what's the anatomy of apology. And the funny thing is... really came out when the article by Lewicki, which was examining a lot of those studies and saying, there's study after study that says, oh, you have to have these three parts. You have to have A, B, and C. And another study would say, you have to have F, Y, and T. And another one says you have to have D, E, and F, right? And the thing that was puzzling to me is I thought, I don't like that because all these studies seem like they're good studies, but they're not really concluding which ingredients we need. So Lewicki comes along and looks at a lot of those studies and basically says it's not the parts themselves.
It's not the ingredients. It's that it has to have ingredients.
Mm-hmm.
So what does that mean? That means that if I just have a flat apology and just go, sorry, sorry about that, it falls very flat on you and I because it doesn't have ingredients, meaning it doesn't have other things that are with it that make it seem like you tried a little to put forward some effort.
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Chapters
8 chapters
1
Why do crappy apologies feel empty and how do they shift blame?
0:00–5:37
2
What are the common examples of “bad” apologies that listeners hear?
5:37–11:57
3
How can we identify the key ingredients of an effective apology?
11:57–17:31
4
What does research say about the three essential components of a good apology?
17:31–23:49
5
How does taking responsibility and offering repair improve an apology?
23:49–30:13
6
Why can a bad apology be more damaging than no apology at all?
30:13–35:46
7
How do cultural differences influence the use and meaning of apologies?
35:46–42:25
8
Can forgiveness happen without receiving an apology, and how should listeners approach it?
42:25–43:05