Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet

92: Parking Violations Bureaus in Los Angeles, CA

02 Sep 2020

Contributed by Lukas

Christine and Alex, the scum of the earth, are back to discuss communism, Kafka, and The Parking Enforcement Agenda (PEA). Christine also throws curse...

91: Beaches in Rhode Island

26 Aug 2020

Contributed by Lukas

Hey all you naughty gulls, thanks for tuning in to Christine's National Convention. She has only one platform: Eradicate All Ocean Worms. Please don't...

90: Small Towns in Ohio

19 Aug 2020

Contributed by Lukas

We're going through our lives as a couple of dunk clowns: We think too highly of ourselves and we laugh at our own jokes. Get your Karma Back To You ...

Between You And Us: Episode 18

17 Aug 2020

Contributed by Lukas

Need more of life's sweet substance? We got you covered. We're back with another episode where we read reviews that you found and sent in to us! Email...

89: Lighthouses in Maine

12 Aug 2020

Contributed by Lukas

After years of perfecting our popsicle stick versions of episode 89, we've finally released the finished product. In this episode, we read reviews of ...

88: Adult Video Stores in Missouri

05 Aug 2020

Contributed by Lukas

Welcome to rush week! There's only one option and it's They-ta They-ta They-ta. And everyone is invited to join! The only hazing will be us forcing yo...

87: Cowboy Boots in Texas

29 Jul 2020

Contributed by Lukas

If you're wondering what Jimmy Fingers is up to, he's using those fingers of his to go to https://www.raicestexas.org/ways-to-give/bond-fund/ to donat...

86: Climbing Gyms in Colorado Springs, Colorado

22 Jul 2020

Contributed by Lukas

We're back with possibly the most garrulous podcast in existence. Are we using that right? Anyway, help Christine reach her goal of terminal velocity ...

Between You And Us: Episode 17

20 Jul 2020

Contributed by Lukas

This is a historic moment in Beach Too Sandy history. We read the first review where the reviewer changes their own mind while writing the review. Alm...

85: Garbage Plates in Rochester, NY

15 Jul 2020

Contributed by Lukas

Think people can't possibly be snobs about something called a 'garbage plate?' Think again, then update your Rolodex. Also, fair warning to people who...

84: Historical Sites in Italy

08 Jul 2020

Contributed by Lukas

After the success of our Disney Parks episode, we decided to do another one! Oh wait, never mind, these reviews are of Pompeii. But apparently some pe...

83: Zoos in Norway

01 Jul 2020

Contributed by Lukas

Don't be too surprised if we rename our podcast to The Shanti Chronicles, because Alex loves his new adopted Gibbon daughter. The news about her might...

82: Scuba Diving in Guam

24 Jun 2020

Contributed by Lukas

Disclaimer: These Podcast Hosts Be Wildin'. Wait, what does that even mean? Anyway, we're reviews of scuba diving in Guam, then Alex reads reviews whe...

81: Adventure Parks in Puerto Rico

17 Jun 2020

Contributed by Lukas

Who the hell gave us this platform? Oh yeah, you all did... Well thank you for having an IQ higher than a crab and being an outlet for our boring chil...

80: KFC in Japan

10 Jun 2020

Contributed by Lukas

Welcome to the Church of Yelp, where we teach you everything it takes to get yourself into hell. We're reading reviews of the "benign personality cult...

Podcast Blackout

03 Jun 2020

Contributed by Lukas

We will not be releasing a regular episode this week in an effort to listen to, learn from, and amplify Black voices. Tune in to this brief recording ...

79: Reviews of Water Parks

27 May 2020

Contributed by Lukas

Between the indiscriminate pooping, tea bags, and bodily excreted waste... this might be our grossest episode yet. But if you can make it through, you...

Schiefer Madness: Few Things Considered

22 May 2020

Contributed by Lukas

Welcome to our first weekly Winnie-sode! We discuss jellybean storage, dried up condoms, and we touch on what it's like to be an oxygen-dependent woma...

78: Craft Stores in Raleigh, NC

20 May 2020

Contributed by Lukas

The Schiefer Siblings are coming out to play! And they're on a mission... to normalize... constipation? God this episode is messy. If you want, you're...

Schiefer Madness: Karma Will Prevail

15 May 2020

Contributed by Lukas

From bidets to porn sites, we talk about pretty much everything this episode. Thankfully it's a bonus episode, so we can do what we want! And so can y...

77: Lakes in Minnesota

13 May 2020

Contributed by Lukas

Turn off your Jimmy Buffet and hop aboard the Silky Pig, because we're going yelping! Join us on this amazing natural journey where we discover all th...

Between You And Us: Episode 16

11 May 2020

Contributed by Lukas

Before you listen to this episode, we've gotta lay down some ground rules. We expect you to either write us a poem or give us a dollar. And once you d...

76: Bowling Alleys in Philadelphia, PA

06 May 2020

Contributed by Lukas

We've got new merch!! Head over to bit.ly/beachtoosandymerch for a "Lunatic Leftwing Liberal Loser" pin, a "Baron of Cream" shirt or a Beach Too Sandy...

Between You And Us: Episode 15

01 May 2020

Contributed by Lukas

Since this was released at 11 PM our time on April 30th, we're counting it as the April Between You And Us. Deal with it or face us and our spirited p...

75: Buffalo Wings in Buffalo, NY

29 Apr 2020

Contributed by Lukas

We hope after listening to this episode, you tell everyone how much we mind blew you with our talk of mutant chickens and souvlaki #WhitePizzaWith500R...

Schiefer Madness: Animal Crossing

25 Apr 2020

Contributed by Lukas

Listen to this week's episode to find out how you can win a copy of Animal Crossing: New Horizons for the Nintendo Switch! If you already own a copy, ...

74: Cigar Shops in Cuba

22 Apr 2020

Contributed by Lukas

Years from now, we believe someone will wonder if Tim Allen was one of the hosts of Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet. And that person is Christine Schie...

Schiefer Madness: it's about GI troubles that we all have

18 Apr 2020

Contributed by Lukas

Calling all iron maiden fans! Whether that's of the band, the medieval torture device, or our mother. We've got an uplifting? bonus episode for you wh...

73: Monuments in Washington, D.C.

15 Apr 2020

Contributed by Lukas

YEGADS! In this week's episode, Christine philosophizes and Alex waxes poetic. If that doesn't convince you to listen to this one, then we don't blame...

Schiefer Madness: Erotic Hand Sanitizer

10 Apr 2020

Contributed by Lukas

Is that title really not enough for you?Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy for a monthly livestream Q&A!Go subscribe to our YouTub...

72: Resorts in Mexico

08 Apr 2020

Contributed by Lukas

Let me tell you something, bro... *thumbs down emoji* *poop emoji *coffin emoji* *nails emoji* *baby bottle emoji* *pill emoji* *wrench emoji* KARMA B...

Schiefer Madness: Tiger King

03 Apr 2020

Contributed by Lukas

Hey all you cool cats and kittens! If you haven't watched Tiger King, give in to all the pressure and watch it. Otherwise, this episode is gonna be pr...

71: Universities in England

01 Apr 2020

Contributed by Lukas

Love a good panto? That must mean you're British! So stop whatever yawn-fest you're participating in, and join us as we read reviews of universities i...

Schiefer Madness: Quarantine Cuties

28 Mar 2020

Contributed by Lukas

You should really listen to this episode, but keep in mind that it won't save your life. Only Lysol can do that apparently. We hope you enjoy this sur...

70: Lord of the Rings in New Zealand

25 Mar 2020

Contributed by Lukas

Dear Webmaster, Please enjoy this episode of us speaking in runes about Lord of the Rings. After that, Alex gives us a much needed pick me up when he ...

Schiefer Madness: Social Distancing

20 Mar 2020

Contributed by Lukas

Things you can do during the COVID-19 epidemic:Donate to help kids who depend on school lunches at http://www.nokidhungry.orgAvoid purchasing WIC item...

69: Saint Patrick's Day Reviews Extravaganza

18 Mar 2020

Contributed by Lukas

If you've never listened to Beach Too Sandy, prepare yourself by imagining you're meeting a 6-foot tall teddy bear with titanium legs. We're reading a...

68: Beaches in Australia

11 Mar 2020

Contributed by Lukas

If you're considering writing a review of our show while hospitalized, be sure to wait until the morphine has kicked in. Because you might not be happ...

Between You And Us: Episode 14

09 Mar 2020

Contributed by Lukas

If you normally listen to our show in the presence of family, we'd recommend switching that up for this episode. And if for some reason you let your c...

67: Reviews of Disney Parks

04 Mar 2020

Contributed by Lukas

Sure, we're probably the last people on the planet who should be hosting a podcast episode about Disney, but we still had a blast reading terrible rev...

66: Nightclubs in Berlin, Germany

26 Feb 2020

Contributed by Lukas

Welcome to Schiefer Family Therapy, where the very hot and extremely humble Alex and croissant-phobic Christine tackle their biggest issues. If you're...

65: Tescos in Dublin, Ireland

19 Feb 2020

Contributed by Lukas

You're joining us live from the travelator in Tesco, where a follower of Christ and her alien intern brother are reading terrible reviews. These two r...

64: Valentine's Day Reviews Extravaganza

12 Feb 2020

Contributed by Lukas

The Valentine's Lorax has a warning for you: If you were hoping for our Ireland episode, don't listen to this one because you'll have to wait another ...

Between You And Us: Episode 13

10 Feb 2020

Contributed by Lukas

If you look in the mirror and say "RED RAW' three times while spinning, Bernie Schiefer will appear behind you or your money back. Support us on Patre...

Live at Spotify HQ in New York, NY

07 Feb 2020

Contributed by Lukas

We made it through our first live show ever!! And now you have the chance to experience our discomfort from the comfort of your home. We had an amazin...

63: Karaoke Bars in Halifax, NS

05 Feb 2020

Contributed by Lukas

We're going international! We visit our neighbors to the north, Canada, to find out how they feel about their karaoke bars. Then, Christine shares rev...

62: Dunkin' Donuts in Concord, NH

29 Jan 2020

Contributed by Lukas

Grab your plain sticks and your snotty coffee, because we're about to go on quite the journey. First, we read reviews of good old Dunkin' Donuts in th...

61: Casinos in Biloxi, MS

22 Jan 2020

Contributed by Lukas

Welcome to the Schiefer Casino! We've got Mark who has a gaming license from eBay and Braley is behind the bar serving up only top shelf drinks! We ar...

60: Pizza Places in Wichita, KS

15 Jan 2020

Contributed by Lukas

After forgetting it existed, we finally find ourselves in Kansas! We read reviews of pizza places and discuss the future of the Tootise film franchise...

Between You And Us: Episode 12

13 Jan 2020

Contributed by Lukas

Greetings from the Schiefer Sisters! We're back for another episode where we read reviews sent in by you, our lovely listeners! So stop smelling horse...

59: Resorts in Charleston, SC

08 Jan 2020

Contributed by Lukas

We have some actual exciting news this episode, so listen up! Then listen to us read some ridiculous reviews written by both real and not so real peop...

58: Arcades in Nashville, TN

01 Jan 2020

Contributed by Lukas

Christine (cactus print) and Alex (stripper scent) bring you the first Beach Too Sandy episode of a new decade. We read reviews of arcades, arcade bar...

57: Holiday Reviews Extravaganza

25 Dec 2019

Contributed by Lukas

This week, CHRISTine and Alex reveal what is causing the death of all humans... at least according to a single reviewer. Believe it or not, it's not c...

56: Ski Resorts in Burlington, VT

18 Dec 2019

Contributed by Lukas

This week, we rewrite The Grinch, repurpose Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol, and share other valuable pieces of media in the form of Yelp reviews. ...

55: Car Dealerships in Fargo, ND

11 Dec 2019

Contributed by Lukas

Happy podversary!! We're celebrating one year of Beach Too Sandy nonsense! Thank you so much for your support this past year. As a special gift, we've...

Between You And Us: Episode 11

09 Dec 2019

Contributed by Lukas

All hail King Salmon! Just... don't order him on a cinnamon raisin bagel. In this month's episode, we read some of the worst reviews you've ever sent ...

54: Menards in Eau Claire, WI

04 Dec 2019

Contributed by Lukas

Don't do us bogus and give this week's episode a listen. If you don't, Alex is going to take Christine's bathroom breaks away. So hear all about how t...

53: Thanksgiving Reviews Extravaganza

27 Nov 2019

Contributed by Lukas

*Insert Favorite Turkey Noise Here* Welcome to our Thanksgiving special! Now as a fireside chat! Your holiday is about to be ruined by the cornucopia ...

52: Dry Cleaners in Columbia, MD

20 Nov 2019

Contributed by Lukas

Happy Wonderwall! Throw on your favorite Armani underwear, grab your hottest rock, and enjoy the premiere of Pretty Mayor - the opposite of Undercover...

51: Golf Courses in Des Moines, IA

13 Nov 2019

Contributed by Lukas

*golfer emoji* *golfer emoji* *golfer emoji* *hole-in-one emoji* *hole-in-one emoji* *hole-in-one emoji* *frisbee emoji* *frisbee emoji* *frisbee emoj...

Between You And Us: Episode 10

11 Nov 2019

Contributed by Lukas

If you're reading this, you are officially banned from LeanCuisine.com. Feeling doo-doo trash about that? Then listen to us read reviews sent in by YO...

50: Apartment Complexes in Grand Rapids, MI

06 Nov 2019

Contributed by Lukas

This week's episode is dedicated to Fat Cat Cora. Remember that time when we exposed a hairy underbelly? Well, this week's underbelly is even hairier....

49: Spooky Spots in Salem, MA

30 Oct 2019

Contributed by Lukas

Welcome to the Beach Too Sandy Halloween Extravaganza!! We have such an exciting show featuring three very special guests! We bet you're reading this ...

48: Halloween Stores in Virginia Beach, VA

23 Oct 2019

Contributed by Lukas

WHEN YOU YELL, I YELP! Looking for a nose to pick? You've come to the right place. Turn up the Ziggy Idol, put on your star costume, and join us as w...

47: Wineries in Los Gatos, CA

16 Oct 2019

Contributed by Lukas

Hello lovely listeners. Enjoying the table wine? Well why don't we take this back to our garden. We've got plenty of steamed salami to go around ;) Ju...

Between You And Us: Episode 9

14 Oct 2019

Contributed by Lukas

Locusts, cicadas, and hard hats oh my! We're reading the reviews you want to hear! This time we read everything from book reviews to communion wafers....

46: Fitness Centers in Cheyenne, WY

09 Oct 2019

Contributed by Lukas

Welcome to the start of our podcast recording marathon, AKA our descent into madness, AKA our descent into Christine's basement full of teens. Listen ...

45: Tanning Salons in Huntington Beach, CA

02 Oct 2019

Contributed by Lukas

It's Alex's birthday episode and we certainly made the most of it. We discuss killing penguins and the miracle of childbirth, all while Alex intimatel...

44: Runzas in Lincoln, NE

25 Sep 2019

Contributed by Lukas

Don't know what a runza is? Don't listen to us, because we think it's a hot dog bun sewn shut and filled with questionable ingredients. We don't have ...

43: Antique Stores in Portland, ME

18 Sep 2019

Contributed by Lukas

We're heading to Maine on the Gossip Train! We're stopping at the Charles Inn for a ghost made breakfast. Then we'll tour the basement where Stephen K...

42: Ice Cream Parlors in Charleston, WV

11 Sep 2019

Contributed by Lukas

Adjust your husky pants and let us show you the world, shining glimmering... something. We're back and we're hungry for what West Virginia has to offe...

Between You And Us: Episode 8

09 Sep 2019

Contributed by Lukas

If you’ve ever read the name of our podcast and thought to yourself, "No one would ever complain that their water is too wet..." then boy do we have...

41: Psychics in Albuquerque, NM

04 Sep 2019

Contributed by Lukas

This week, we explore the underbelly (and overbelly) of Albuquerque. No clue what that means? Let's just say one has high metaphysical prices while th...

40: Gas Stations in Wilmington, DE

28 Aug 2019

Contributed by Lukas

We're forty, flirty, and friving! In this very special episodes, our jet lagged selves offer you a glimpse into what a Schiefer vacation is like. Hint...

39: Bookstores in Portland, OR

21 Aug 2019

Contributed by Lukas

Witness if you will a subway tunnel, long abandoned below the bustling streets of Cincinnati. These tunnels have residents: Yelp reviewers. Let it be ...

38: McDonald's Restaurants in Billings, MT

14 Aug 2019

Contributed by Lukas

This episode is dedicated to all the Tonys out there! Gather your escargatoire, put the salt away, and unfriend all Pauls, because it's time for anoth...

Between You And Us: Episode 7

12 Aug 2019

Contributed by Lukas

Slip on some lulus, take a sip of yuppie crack, and dive into another week of crazy reviews sent in by you! Whether your name is Shinny or Sheenad, yo...

37: Dollar Stores in Birmingham, AL

07 Aug 2019

Contributed by Lukas

Hello sweet children of a friend of ours, we hope you're having the BDE. Unfortunately ours is the WDE, because our Hot Bunz aren't working and Christ...

36: Banks in Charlotte, NC

31 Jul 2019

Contributed by Lukas

Welcome to Christine's Unnamed Game Show featuring Skeeve Harvey! In this episode, we cover finance, art history, sports, and rats. And Christine give...

35: Souvenir Shops in Atlantic City, NJ

24 Jul 2019

Contributed by Lukas

Alex: *loudly and desperately* "I FOLLOWED NONE OF THAT, BUT I HATED ALL OF THAT" *breaks into a sweat* Christine: *pulls up barstool* "EEK!!" *clinks...

34: Walmarts in Sioux Falls, SD

17 Jul 2019

Contributed by Lukas

Calling all Walmartians! We came out of our basement to bring you an episode chock full of glory holes and racism. But don't worry, Christine left her...

33: Bars in Columbus, OH

10 Jul 2019

Contributed by Lukas

In this week's episode we visit bars in Columbus to perfect our espionage techniques. It turns out, Christine is not a master criminal. Flip on your D...

Between You And Us: Episode 6

08 Jul 2019

Contributed by Lukas

We've intercepted Bob Schieffer's emails to bring you this very important episode. He'd probably give this podcast 0 bombs if he could. But we hope t...

32: Sporting Goods Stores in Anchorage, AK

03 Jul 2019

Contributed by Lukas

We're bringing you another episode of Beach Too Sandy! We explore the sporting goods stores of Anchorage and get diplomatic about Alaskan weather. The...

31: Breweries in Little Rock, AR

26 Jun 2019

Contributed by Lukas

Grab your tweens and make them listen to our wildest episode yet! Something is absolutely in the water supply and it's not making anyone more sane. He...

30: Crab Houses in Baltimore, MD

19 Jun 2019

Contributed by Lukas

Hi! We’re new and we don’t know a lot. What we do know is that these reviews are ridiculous as always. We read reviews written by some very crabby...

Between You And Us: Episode 5

17 Jun 2019

Contributed by Lukas

A Beach Too Sandy love story: We love you very much and we will never hurt you.Come join us as we dive into our email inbox and read the best of the b...

29: Movie Theaters in Providence, RI

12 Jun 2019

Contributed by Lukas

We're back with another episode for your listening displeasure. We read the worst reviews of movie theaters in Providence, RI, and Christine reads rev...

28: Tattoo Shops in Tulsa, OK

05 Jun 2019

Contributed by Lukas

Between all the talk of pearls and jumper cables, this episode is particularly heinous. For that reason, we're officially putting a ban on 13-19 year ...

27: Ghost Tours in New Orleans, LA

29 May 2019

Contributed by Lukas

Welcome to our morning morbid show with morning joe. In today's episode, we're taking you on a very bumpy ride through New Orleans. Please refrain fro...

26: Parks in Milwaukee, WI

22 May 2019

Contributed by Lukas

Is it possible for people to give their local parks bad reviews? Yes. And it's as crazy as you'd think! Alex then reads conspiracy theory reviews that...

25: DMVs in Phoenix, AZ

15 May 2019

Contributed by Lukas

Get your sunglasses emoji ready, because we've got some "cool" reviews for you. We're reading the worst reviews of DMVs in Phoenix, AZ. Now imagine ho...

Between You And Us: Episode 4

13 May 2019

Contributed by Lukas

Ghosts, choking, vampires... wait, what podcast is this again? Oh yeah, the one where we take the mask off of humanity and reveal its truest form. And...

24: Post Offices in Washington, DC

08 May 2019

Contributed by Lukas

In our most educational episode yet, we broaden your vocabulary as well as your understanding of the Geneva Convention. But don't worry, there's plent...

23: Toy Stores in Chicago, IL

01 May 2019

Contributed by Lukas

Welcome to Geppetto's Geriatric Sex Dungeon. Grab a doll, pick a booth, and enjoy our tastiest episode yet! We learn about all the toys Chicago has to...

22: Beaches in Honolulu, HI

24 Apr 2019

Contributed by Lukas

In this week's episode, we reveal our titular story. We also discuss condoms, feces, and panty liners. So basically... we're discussing humanity this ...

21: Elementary Schools in Pittsburgh, PA

17 Apr 2019

Contributed by Lukas

This podcast made me laugh so bad!!! I threw up. It's time to kick off your Skechers and enjoy a new episode of Beach Too Sandy. While exploring revie...

20: Nostalgia in Los Angeles, CA

11 Apr 2019

Contributed by Lukas

Episode 20 is the extravaganza you didn't know you needed! To mark the special occasion, we surprise each other with reviews of places that are close ...

Between You And Us: Episode 3

08 Apr 2019

Contributed by Lukas

Cover your trouser! We're back with some PHAT reviews, ranging from Starbucks to Mount Rushmore. This episode = was passable. Just don't laugh too lou...

19: Coffee Shops in Seattle, WA

03 Apr 2019

Contributed by Lukas

In our quest to find the worst reviews, we may have found the worst one yet. As difficult as that was, we make it through. Next in our journey, we get...