Chapter 1: What does Richard E. Grant say about falling in love?
Really falling in love with somebody is That's what to me. Yeah and she said the same thing I said, yeah, but you were married and she said yeah, but She said the way that I fall in love with you is different. I said, yeah, that sounds like a Mills and Boone No tagline on a romantic novel. She said no. No, it's it's absolutely true.
I mean, I think I I think the interesting part of that is that it's that being seen and being understood on the deepest of levels. With you and Joan, it's hard then to imagine you I mean, I'm not talking about you. I shouldn't really judge you. You can do whatever you like, Richard.
Thank you.
I know that you know that. But I'd like to discuss whether you think you would ever go out with anybody again. How do you feel about that?
I've been on sort of dates with people and I've been set up with people.
I was just going to say, do you get set up all the time?
I have been. I realise in retrospect being sort of set up. But I think that... When you are ready to do that, something will happen. But it depends on what you're looking for. I'm not. I don't think on a daily basis I've got to go on a dating app. I haven't done anything like that.
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Chapter 2: How does Richard describe his relationship with Joan?
I mean, it would be a bit difficult for you to go on a dating app, wouldn't it?
Old pensioner looking for a dining companion.
Amazing.
Yeah. No, I get, I get, I've had messages on social media saying we have everything in common and we should meet.
Oh God, did I sound like that when you walked through the door? I was going, Richard, you're not going to believe it.
You did. So, you know, I think it's, yeah, I don't know, but I can't, I think the chances of meeting somebody again and feeling that or experiencing that is... I don't know how many times that can happen in your life. So I have no expectation of it, put it that way. But if in a year's time you see me in St. Paul's getting married to,
the princess of Transylvania, than quote this back at me and say, you're a bit of a traitor.
Nothing would make me happier.
You were with somebody for 38 years and now you've found somebody else.
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Chapter 3: What insights does Mel Schilling provide about lasting relationships?
We'd talk all the time and that life. Yeah, it's just really funny. I just didn't look at him with those glasses at all.
So what changed it?
I don't know. It's magic.
You don't remember the moment that it happened?
It was magic. But once I'd put on different glasses, I couldn't take them off again. I was working with him four or five days a week. We told each other everything. I mean, this is one of the things that I really, really enjoyed talking to you about is the honesty. Is that we're just brutally honest with each other. Yeah. We'll just say everything.
That's the greatest intimacy you can have with somebody, don't you think? Because the amount of times you have sex with somebody in a day is proportionately, unless you're doing a tantric seven-hour job. And even seven hours, if you're doing seven hours a day, it's still not the majority of your day that you are speaking to somebody and connecting with them.
And I think trust, my dad always said, I mean, Paul Bronson does a relationship podcast with Flight Studios and I feel a little bit like I'm treading on his toes here. I'm gonna try and, but this is from my dad, the guy out there in the red trousers. He used to say to me, love is made of four things. Friendship, you had that obviously in a mega way. Trust.
It was like, if you do anything, I'll kill you. I like that kind of trust, brilliant. Carnal love, really important. And respect. Respect is so important because without respect, you lose the carnal side, I think. If one of them goes, then something else struggles. And I feel all those feels.
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Chapter 4: What role does self-awareness play in nurturing love?
for Michael. I think what's interesting with modern day relationships, and I'd be quite interested in getting your take on this, is that everybody's looking for a soulmate. This has got to be the perfect person. But how do they get what you had? Because that is so rare.
When you're in it, you don't, it doesn't seem that it's, it seems, well, why isn't this, doesn't everybody feel this?
Yes. So what is different about it? Because you talking about talking, we've talked nonstop for 38, we talked nonstop for 38 years.
Yeah.
And I was still talking as I held her hand. Yeah. And she died.
Yeah.
What is the magic ingredient to a great relationship, in your opinion?
Curiosity. That you never stop finding or stuff to talk about or things to do or... things to want to do with the person in every way. I think that's, because as soon as you take stuff for granted, then I think you, you know, that leads to boredom or thinking, oh, this again. Yes.
The depth of feeling and the trust that you have with somebody after that amount of time, I think that in itself is part of the heat of your sex life.
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Chapter 5: How important is communication in a relationship?
So when I see my partner make an effort, it makes you, again, feel seen, I think. By them making an effort with what they wear, you think, oh, they want me to see them. Do you know what I mean?
Yeah.
Tell me about, because how did you work after Jonah died? Because I just think going back to work would be very difficult.
Well, because my job is I'm on location filming for so much. I'm so used to being on my own or away from home that that was very familiar and that The most difficult part, as always, as I'm sure you know, is what I call the steering wheel stuff. that at the end of the day, downloading everything, saying, what was Davina like? What is her hair color? Do you think she dyes her hair?
How much facial surgery has she had? What were her boots like? How long did it take you to get to the East End? Four years. All of that stuff that you just talk about during the day or your observation of it, not being able to tell the other person anymore, I found, I thought, wow, this is like a sort of grand canyon of, you know, it's a bottomless hole.
And in exactly the same way that I started keeping a diary when I was 10 and have continued to do so, I now write to Joan every night. And I have no, you know, woolly spiritual delusion that she's hearing this or that I'm going to get a response. But I know in writing to her, it somehow makes, it keeps the connection going. Because I know what her response would be.
Do you write Dear Joan? Yeah.
So I write emails to her. I mean, I write it in email form in a diary. But, you know, Dear Joan, and today that this happened, this would really have amused you. I think we should do this. So it's somehow it makes it feel like that person is still there. It's an ongoing conversation.
Sorry, I interrupted you.
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Chapter 6: What are the foundations of a deep emotional connection?
Do you not feel that she's still there? No.
She's gone? Yeah. I mean, she's inside me and in my daughter and in the memory of our friends. And I've got photographs of her around the house, but I don't... My father was unequivocal about saying that heaven and hell are human concepts and everything is the here and now. We only have one life. Nobody's come back. And I haven't been able to find a better theory than that.
With Michael, your partner... that you feel that, or with your late sister, that the voice of that reason or logic is carried in you and helps you make a decision. And because I was with my late wife for 38 years, I know what, if I was describing what you were wearing now and what you were like and how this all went, I very clearly know what her response would be.
And of course she'd say, well, out of 10, how much do you fancy Davina McCall? You know, because I know immediately there's a lioness in her would be going like, am I being challenged here by a beautiful young woman? You know, and that delights me because it's, so that sort of is ongoing in my head.
I love the sound of Joan. She really sounds like my kind of woman.
She was very feisty and very small, five foot four, but you know, Celtic blood, so I think that, you know, like your French blood, it's a different heat from... So you two met, what was it, 84? End of 82.
82, so a year after your dad died, you went down to London.
Yeah. and then met her.
How did you meet?
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Chapter 7: How can couples effectively navigate challenges together?
And he said, what's your Belfast accent like? And I said, debatable. And so I went and did these sessions. And then I asked Joan Washington, who was coaching, if she could teach me privately to sort out my colonial sound. And she said, well, I don't know what you're talking about. And I said, yeah, but I... A director had said to me that I spoke like somebody from the 1950s.
And I suppose Swaziland was in a kind of time war of that expat society. So I said, how long is it going to take? And she gave me a couple of lessons. And I said, how much is it going to cost? She said, 20 pounds an hour. And I said, I can't afford that because I'm working as a waiter in Covent Garden. And my bed sit in Notting Hill costs 30 pounds a week. So 20 pounds.
for an hour is a huge amount of money. She said, well, what can you afford? And I said, oh, 12 pounds. She said, all right, OK, come for 12 pounds, on condition that if you ever make it as an actor, you have to repay me. So on our first wedding anniversary in 1987, I read that paper is the gift that you're supposed to give. So I gave her 1,000 pounds in 50-pound pink notes.
And I said, I hope that I've repaid my debt. She said, yes, I think that'll do.
I thought, how great.
Yeah. I was pregnant. I had like a morning sickness kind of experience. Wow. It was like being pregnant and then poof, it's gone.
And you'd already been through that with the miscarriage.
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Chapter 8: What advice does Mel give for enhancing intimacy in relationships?
Yeah.
I think that's one of the hardest things with a miscarriage. That's right. You're still left with the feelings of being a mother for ages afterwards.
That's right. That's right. And you have the physicality as well. And then, you know, we did the first round of IVF. They put two eggs in because I was older. They said, we really need to make the most of this. There were two that were ready to go and they both just fell away. Nothing happened at all. But then my doctor called me the next day and she said, we've got this little Aussie battler.
This little egg that wasn't developed in time, but it is now. Would you like to put it on ice? okay, let's just put it on ice. We're not ready to do it again yet. I've got to recover. I need time to heal. Put it on ice. And we waited until my next natural cycle. And they said, would you like to pop that little frozen thing inside you? I said, yeah, why not? Nothing to lose.
I didn't have to go through the hormones again. I just went with the natural cycle, popped her in. And that's Maddie. So she was frozen for the first six weeks of her life.
Wow.
You know, we've actually only just told her that story last week. Oh, really? Yeah, she's 10. And? Oh, she was fascinated. Was she? Because she loves science. So she was really carefully listening. Because she's about to learn all the sex education at school next term.
And I thought, well, I want her to know that her story is different from maybe some other kids because they're going to talk about IVF. And I said to her, you know, you're going to be having this conversation. What do you know about it? She said, well, I know that you have to have sex to have a baby. And I said, well, our story was actually a bit different and told her. And she was fascinated.
Wow. Yeah.
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