Conversations To Have With Your Parents Before They Die
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What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
I'm joined now by writer Anne Ingle and Brendan Kelly, Professor of Psychiatry in Trinity College, Dublin. Welcome, guys.
Hi. Hi, Brendan.
So we're going to have a mini symposium today, and the subject is the question you should ask their parents, your parents, particularly if they're older. And I think, you know, people sometimes regret conversations they feel they might have had, should have had with their parents and didn't have and everything. Brendan, maybe a caution first. Your aging parents may not want to get into a deep, meaningful, philosophical conversation with you about the meaning of life and remembering stuff that they have wanted to forget.
Look, they may not. Like, not all older adults regard themselves as ageing or regard themselves as at the point where it is time to convey the wisdom now. Because that can bring into focus things that they might not want brought into focus. So, you know, one has to pick a moment for this and you have to pick a time for this. And the other thing to be aware of is talking about these issues is sometimes not quite everybody's cup of tea. You know, we live in a very verbal society at the moment where, you know, saying everything in words, verbal communication is highly privileged. It's given a lot of priority. And for a lot of people, communication is mainly non-verbal. So we do need to respect some people prefer not to talk explicitly about things all the time.
Okay. So what does non-verbal conversation look like in that situation?
I wouldn't say non-verbal conversation. I'd say non-verbal communication because, you know, I'll give you an example. A friend of mine, his father died and I said to him, you know, did you have... conversations with him before he died or things you discussed, things that were important. He said, no, that man barely said a word. But, you know, we understood each other fully. And it turns out that, you know, every Saturday night for two hours, the pair of them had sat in the pub in almost complete silence for years and years and years. And nothing much was said, but he felt a really profound sense of solidarity, a sense of communication, a sense of knowing his dad in a way that was not mediated by words.
How should you gauge an older parent's willingness to talk about dying or difficult topics?
So I just I think that while verbal communication is important and it's good to talk, obviously, there is also other kinds of communication and other kinds of being there that can become important, especially toward the end of life. And the most cherished memories that man had of his dad were those long, silent evenings just being there.
Do you think that's more men, Anne, is it?
Yeah, I think the pub bit is.
But they're not talking bit.
They're not talking bit. They're not expressing themselves as fully as maybe we do as women, you know. But I think it's a dangerous thing, really, because as Brendan said, you know, not everybody's thinking they're on their way out, you know. I mean, everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. The same thing. And people say, if I die, you know, and I remember I asked a friend, what are you going to do about, you know, what about the funeral arrangements? And she says, whose funeral arrangements? She didn't even have a notion of that.
So like, don't be approaching your parents as if this is some kind of deathbed conversation. Before it's too late, there's some stuff I need to get out of you.
And Brendan's right. Some people just don't want to talk. And this may be because they have some dark secrets. Yeah. And if there are dark secrets.
Yeah, I want to come back to secrets. But just maybe, Brendan, in terms of how you have the conversation then, you're kind of suggesting as well that there's elliptical ways of doing it. Maybe not quite sitting in silence in the pub for two hours, but that sometimes get out a photo album maybe.
Yeah.
Yeah. So you do need ways into these topics. And, you know, very often approaching things directly is not the way to go. So, for example, family events are a good time for reminiscing. Photo albums are a really good way to do it.
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Chapters
5 chapters
1
What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
0:00–2:12
2
How should you gauge an older parent's willingness to talk about dying or difficult topics?
2:12–5:59
3
What are non-verbal ways to communicate with aging parents when words feel wrong?
5:59–13:59
4
How can activities like photo albums or car rides open up conversations with parents?
13:59–31:50
5
When is it helpful to ask about family stories and how do you avoid interrogating secrets?
31:50–33:37