“Marriage needs conflict” - Prof. Katriona O’Sullivan
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How long have Prof. Katriona O’Sullivan and Dave been married and what does “happily married” mean to them?
Professor Catriona O'Sullivan, welcome. Hello. So, Catriona, people know you're the bestselling author of the books Poor and Hungry, your latest book. You're also a psychologist based at Maynooth University. I am. So we're going to have some conversations in the coming months about what you might call the big issues in life. And we're going to start today with your insights, personal and professional, I think, on marriage. So to establish your credentials first, how long are you and the amazing Dave married now?
He's not that amazing. We're married 18 years. We're together 23 years. Yeah. And we're happily married.
Okay.
Which I don't know if everybody actually would claim happy marriage, but we're happily married.
Even people who are don't say it out loud because it's like you're almost supposed to not say it.
I think men particularly are not allowed to say that they're happily married as well. But you can generally tell when somebody's happily married or they're not.
Yeah.
But we're happily married.
Yeah. And just in case I get in any trouble, I'm going to say I'm happily married too. And I am. Right. So does anything we say today about marriage now, does the same apply essentially to cohabitating long term relationships? No. No.
No. So, yeah, no, it doesn't actually. So married people, the research shows that married people have different levels of happiness, actually. So one of the myths in psychology that I always introduce in my first class with my first ever, who've never... study psychology I do 10 myths and I say who's happier married people or non-married people and they all say non-married people but the truth is married people are generally happier they have like longer life happiness than non-married people and cohabiting is a different situation and we do see different psychological and science outcomes for for people who are cohabiting so you
So it's a different kind of dynamic. Yeah, there can be some different dynamics.
And remember, we're always speaking in averages in psychology. So there are like individuals have individual experiences. Of course. But for example, we see that domestic violence happens actually more in cohabiting couples. It can be found in some research. And we don't know why that is at the end of the day. But research will look into why people get married more. And what people bring into marriage actually then will predict what happens within a relationship. So there's lots of characteristics that we need to consider because it's very nuanced.
OK. Are people on some level, even subconsciously, you know, this notion that people are drawn to recreating relationships? the dynamic they saw growing up in their own parents. I suppose what I'm saying is, do men marry their mothers?
No, no, they don't. But what we do learn, that's a really good question because we have these myths. And that's one of them, that men marry their mothers and that women are trying to replace a father figure, especially if we didn't have a good one. You know, people actually learn their emotional... emotional responses through their family. So they learn about how to love and how to be emotional in their family dynamics. So when they look at their parents' relationships, they learn about what's normal in a relationship through that. But it doesn't mean that that's what they then are attracted to. But one thing that we do know is that A bad marriage, if there's a bad marriage in the home, what that results in a child is a bad emotional capability sometimes and a bad cognitive capability.
So if we're in a home where there's a bad marriage, that can affect the emotional capability of the child.
Explain that in English then.
So self-esteem or fear, trauma, lack of availability of a parent, what that results in then. And a child might have more avoidant behaviour, more fear, more anxiety. Trust is an issue as well. So when they're witnessing that dynamic, it's affecting the child's ability and their emotional capability.
I'm seeing a watchful child in my head. Watchful child, yes.
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Chapters
7 chapters
1
How long have Prof. Katriona O’Sullivan and Dave been married and what does “happily married” mean to them?
0:00–4:15
2
Why do married people tend to be happier than non‑married or cohabiting couples?
4:15–8:02
3
How do our parents’ marriage dynamics shape the emotional maps we bring into our own relationships?
8:02–11:32
4
What impact does a bad childhood marriage have on a child’s self‑esteem and attachment style?
11:32–15:21
5
How can couples consciously avoid recreating negative parental patterns in their marriage?
15:21–18:59
6
What are the three core components (intimacy, passion, commitment) of a lasting marriage according to the Gottman research?
18:59–23:41
7
Why is conflict essential in a marriage and how should couples repair it effectively?
23:41–27:15