Chapter 1: What are Joe and David's plans for the Sheffield Park Run?
Hello, this is Joe. I'd forgotten, but we eat a little bit in this ep, so sorry. I don't think it's too off-putting, but we'll try not to do it. Sorry. Enjoy the ep!
I mean, I can carry this around when I run a film. Yeah, great. So, yeah, we're doing a pop-up in Sheffield today.
Sheffield Castle. I know it was a castle.
Castle Marcy. And you're saying that she's big for you? Yeah. Because I've been doing round and round. God, shut up. Sorry. I reckon this is one and a half kilometres more than I've done. Oh, really? Yeah, I'm really slow. I'm only at 27 minutes, so I'm definitely a 40-minuter. So I'm quite nervous. I reckon you'll do it with ease because you get kind of swept up here. Really? Yeah, you do.
It's really weird. Maybe I build up the camaraderie too much. I hope I like it, because if I do it, I'll do it more. You said someone opened up near you? Yeah, I think there's three around my way. That's great. Is it? No, not if you hate it. I'm worried about hills, because I'm There's one near me called Bevan Dean. It's unbelievable. It's so hilly and it's on grass and it's two laps.
And you go around the first time and it's hell. You're like, something really horrible about knowing you've got to do it again. Right, okay, thanks. But we're not doing that one. No, but it's pretty hilly, isn't it? Round here, yeah. Look at it. It's really hilly. Something to be flat. It's quite a poignant image of you looking out.
Tell you what, I'm going to feel marvellous at the end of it, unless I've walked and then it'll just be pointless. That was almost really positive. Do you know what, I'm going to be... Hello. Jesus Christ, hello. Sorry you scared me, we're podding.
How are you?
Yeah, so are you now. Well, of course we are, it's 25.
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Chapter 2: Why is David feeling nervous about the Park Run?
Of course I'm awake, of course I'm podding and eating nuts. David was just being really positive about the part run. Are you doing the part run? No. Ah. You sort of suggested you were. I said I could, but... No, you more than suggested. I didn't get a positive response, so I decided not to. I think you almost... No, you definitely said I'll do it with you. I said I could do it. Oh, did you?
Right. But David didn't go, oh, yeah, that would be good. Oh, no. Don't you forget. See what I have to live with, mate. And a bit of gaslighting. Gaslighting. Who's gaslighting who? I can't work with that. Can I make a cup of tea? Oh, I'd love one. Oh, I forgot about the food in this. Oh, I'm thinking about that coffee post run. David's looking forward to the farce of having completed.
You've forgotten how hard it is. No, do you know what? I haven't actually. Cause I've talked to my mate about it. It's like 5k is a long way. Yeah. It's like, cause you know, like as a base thing to do on Saturdays, it's quite mental. Yeah. That was in Hartfield. About three years ago. What, 5K?
Right, if the comments on Instagram don't inspire you, though, David, you're looking... Yeah, that's camera trickery. That annoys me. Camera trickery? As I said to you, take the compliment. You're looking fantastic. How do you feel about a good 30 or 40 people saying how pretty you look? That's what you genuinely think?
Find another photo and you'll be... One woman on Twitter this morning, literally, obviously fancies you. I looked this morning, she was like going, basically called blindly, look at Earl. And I was like, wow, I wonder how... Great feeling, right? Do you know what I thought? I thought you could easily start dressing as one of those people we hate.
You know, one of the type of clothes we... Oh yeah. Definitely got it in me. Get all puffed up.
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Chapter 3: How do Joe and David prepare for the taxi to the Park Run?
and come back in. There was a guy in a century club last night and got up from his table and put a big wrap around himself to go into the arena. There was a bloke who's hammered a real piss head in there. I was getting annoyed at him. I thought he was looking at us. Because he was like, the table's there. And he's just staring over like that. And I was getting worried, like, what is the problem?
Staring at you two? No, David wasn't. He was just hammered. He just wasn't looking. So he's not staring at David's new body? No. David was like that. Flexing. And then David spotted his hand. But my favourite bit was his... He kept going, Essex! Didn't he? That was him, yeah. That's because Bingham's from Essex, isn't he? Oh, I thought Alan was. Or maybe Alan then.
I don't know, he might be right. One of them's from Essex. I think we should let Bingham get out. I've obviously been reading about Alan's diet. regime in the hot water but um the bloke the bloke next to him was clearly pissed as well because he was um shutting him up really loudly he went shut up as loud as the bloke like you said snooker's the worst place to pod Oh, it's so stupid.
Can't talk, nothing's happening. Yeah, three hours solidly, nothing you can't talk about. We've been hearing the ball game. Yeah. We recorded for like an hour and a half in the first one. And then realised it was stupid. Yeah, and also we were just going to run out of battery, basically. But, yeah, wonderful, wonderful day. Yeah, it really was. Loved it to squeeze in a little park run, didn't it?
Yeah. I've got a show for Wednesday tonight. Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Are you doing a pod from there? Mick, no. No? Fucking imagine that. Just fucking potting the whole time. 24-7. No, do you mind if I phone you and do a quick pod? What? I'm standing outside Hillsborough. Yes, I know you are, David. God.
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Chapter 4: What challenges do they face upon arrival at the park?
So have we got a taxi then? Yeah, I've got to cancel the other one, the one that was incredibly vague. I'll do that now. So what can I expect? Camaraderie. No, but I turn up and there's a few people there. Have you got your phone? Yeah. Because you have a barcode on it. Right. And you basically run... Right, so... They'll show you the course.
Will everyone have started or do you all go at the same time? All go at the same time, yeah. Oh, God.
No, but it isn't... You're not in a line like this.
LAUGHTER There's not a gun and they go, come on! I've got 100 quid on you, you fat shit. What? Oh, right. No, because it's like, not in a line. You're in sort of... Say starting line's about 40 foot away. I usually hang on the back and then you just sort of jog in a group. Yeah, don't go off too quickly. That's my advice. I always just take it with me. What's happening with your hands?
And then, at the end, they give you a token. It would be amazing if I beat it. I would crush it. Imagine, you'd be secretly training all this time. Oh, I wish I'd done that now. Oh, that was really... Me and my brother were planning... Do you remember my dad played bolts? Yeah. Me and my brother had a plan to practice for like two years. Yeah. And get really good and beat it. Then he stopped.
I was reading about Ronnie... Thanks Petra. You're up to about three reading about Snooper, aren't you? Yeah, but he runs. Is he? He knows some good Nick, doesn't he? Yeah, he eats really well when he runs. And the Oscar I read said, he'd just done a park run, he said, I did it in 20, he said it's shit time. 20? Yeah, he said his best time's 17.
What?
Yeah. What, Ronnie O'Sullivan does it in 17 minutes? Yeah, he ran it in 20, he said it's shit time. No, it's not. That's incredible. So 17, like on a park run like in Brighton, he'd come about 10th. Was he? Yeah. Honestly, 17, if you did 17, it'd be about 10th out of about four. I was looking at him yesterday going, you're nearly 15, you're very fit.
Like I didn't take, you know, I wasn't sort of soaking him in. I didn't know he was that fit. It's a turnaround snooker, isn't it? From the 80s and 90s. Yeah. So Mark Allen was 6'0 and heavier. He said he retrained his brain to basically go, I'm not going to eat. Which you saw yesterday, he sort of got into that. Yeah, like a hot water every day. Yeah, at the end of every frame.
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Chapter 5: What is the course like at the Sheffield Park Run?
What do you mean, not eat, join, play and snooker? I think just generally, just having a down portion size. I love the idea of him in a big box of Maltesers. Yeah, just snapping them throughout the game. Yeah, you could easily, couldn't you? Jimmy White said something really funny. He said, because Dave was like, oh, how close are you?
You know, the crowd, because it's sort of famously close to the thing. And he goes, sometimes you'll be sort of taken apart and you can hear someone go, oh, I'll have a, no, not a strawberry one, I'll have a lemon one. I'm talking about what sweets they want.
of that over the next few weeks jimmy white yeah i know what time are you going um oh uh quarter past eight um so yeah so heart run you will and then at the end you say yeah you just because you i very doubt you'll be in the i'm not going to wear a vest like with a number on it oh i thought it was like that oh register I thought you had to. Well, no. Oh, right.
No, you turn up like this, you run, and at the end, you just get given a barcode thing, and you scan that and your thing, and then it'll send you your time, that's it. My time. But you will, because you're like me, probably like me, you'll get a bit addicted. Do you know what? I just want to finish it without stopping. Yeah, that'd be good. But even if you don't, it doesn't matter.
But if you do beat me, this pod's not going out. I'm not going to beat you. In fact, you could probably... What do you reckon you're doing? I hope to bet 25 today. Which, when you put it in the context of Ronnie O'Sullivan, sounds fucking turd. Yeah, and the fact you've been doing it for years is shit. Do you know what? Nine years. Nine years. What, from no running to... Really?
Yeah, I hadn't done any running. Aren't your legs buggered? My knees look buggered. Quite the opposite, they're looking... What did Patricia say to me the other day? Because I've done a little run, she went, they're looking less like string.
Which I literally was like, oh, thanks, love. They don't get a
Oh, threads. She calls them my threads.
Right. They're looking less like threads.
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Chapter 6: How does David cope with the tough course during the run?
Oh, yeah. Fucking horrible. Yeah. No offence if you got one. But your legs are horrible. Yeah, it's like a river. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, really horrible. Yeah, I mean, I think every time it happened, I spoke about it with other people after this.
When I used to play 11-a-side, I just remember something. The team I played for, we were probably 17.
We used to sing, we'd been to Button Moon, but we got changed.
Oh, why's that?
Don't know. Bit weird. God, I used to sing to... Do you know this? What? Been to Bottom Moon? To put him to sleep. Been to Bottom Moon. You've been to Forest Row to see... What was it? Joe. You? Me? Because he knew you from FaceTime. I was your son? No. You never told me that. Yeah. I wonder he couldn't sleep. Who's Joe? Yeah. We've been to... Well, only because I rhymed with Forest Row.
I don't know what it was. Well, don't take this away from me. It might not have been that. Yeah, great, amazing. When you were in the song I sang to him, he was like, what? No, I mean, you might not have been. Anyway. Yeah. So you're wearing that? No, I'm not wearing this. So I started thinking, is this right? You're flexing your legs, aren't you? This is the truth.
I started thinking, is this material too heavy when I'm three and a half kilos? Do I need it? Because I bought my lighter shorts.
No man had ever... But I didn't want to wear my lighter shorts.
I thought you'd go, I'd chill out.
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Chapter 7: What are the reactions of Joe and David after completing the run?
I'm still trying. There's probably a level where they get to where they go, it's not embarrassing now because I have to try because it's sort of my job. But before that, yeah, it's day in and day out. Yeah. Fucking hell. The first part of the part run is 24 minutes. The first part? Oh, right. That's how long my, that's how long the run is. Yeah.
When I see, I think I said to you, when I see joggers going around, I might drive to shots and go, come back. They're over there now. Yeah. I don't know. I genuinely, on my life, think about going for a run and I'd go, fuck. Do you? It's just half an hour. It's just half an hour. But, right, I'm, okay, so say if I get to 3K, I'm like this. I don't know what you're doing with your hands still.
I don't know. How many miles would you have to get to before you're... Yeah, sometimes that, yeah. What? Yeah, definitely. Because you never get... Because... Oh, God, I fucking hate talking like an expert, because I'm not. But because then you get a bit fitter, you go a little bit faster. So you always get tired out.
Okay, so if you were just running normally, you could do 5K without even thinking. I guess so, yeah, if like slow enough, yeah. Right, well that's what I'm doing. At no point do I feel comfortable.
Right.
I'm just so sorry. So I said to Naomi, you're quick, you're much quicker than me. Did you throw your arms in the air like that? Yeah, yeah. She said, yeah, but you know, you're carrying more. You've got great legs. You're carrying more! Something like that. I know. It wasn't going to hit.
But it's different because it's like you're carrying six sacks of potatoes. What? Imagine me running with all that extra. What? Stop, stop.
Oh, God. Right, shall we get the other one? Shall I stop that? Yeah, yeah. So we're in the cab on the way over, which was a debacle because there's no cabs because everyone's going to the FA Cup game.
I'll tell you a few things.
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Chapter 8: What lessons do Joe and David learn from their Park Run experience?
So if we were going to the Brighton one now, do you just run round and round the park? No, the Brighton one, there's five in Brighton. The one on the front is, this is the hill I ran up the other day. Show off?
Yeah.
Oh, sorry. No, I'm not showing off. I told you, Petra, how hilly it was. I don't think you'd go, oh, it is hilly. You ran all the way up here? Yeah. Oh, I see. I'd stop. No way. Look at that. You ran all the way up to the top? Yeah. Up this hill? Yeah. This is Fairfield Road or something. You are fit. Enjoy the city road at the top here.
Did you? Yeah. um there's no way i could have said that where you wouldn't have said don't say it like that that's amazing you did all that thank you you are fit well i was puffing panting yeah i can't say anything without you going hell
Did you run down it? No, I went left. I did a look. Searching for more hills.
Pushing myself ever further. Pushing the human endeavour. Could this really be done?
I can't believe you did that. That must be... I went a bit light-headed at the top. And then I remember thinking, this is too far to walk on. These hills are ridiculous. I know. Lovely houses around here.
What was it round here?
That's what this is going to be. It's just hills everywhere. This is the hilliest park run in the UK, isn't it? Not one of them. I read they've got jumps as well. The water ditch thing is a bit grim.
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