Chapter 1: Where's Joe and what is happening at the football match?
Hello, mate. Hi. Hi, how are you? I'm all right. I'm going to do this for a while. I'm looking right down at you. Little episode of Where's Joe now? Yeah. You're saying nothing to me, which is weird. No, no. Don't I? I feel uncomfortable. Yeah, well, that's most episodes. Right, okay. Okay. You see the tiny bit in the corner there, look. Yeah, I hate half knowing. I don't know what is going on.
Okay, yeah, so this might have been slightly ruined. So I'll just show you. So I'll just show you. Well, hang on a minute. I've got this. What's this? Oh, yeah, well, that's part two. So I've sent you something in the post.
so um okay I never know don't we I haven't really set this up have we so yeah so I'm somewhere it's uh it's um what's the time it's quarter past eight in the morning and should I just show you where I am hang on a minute can you do some setup because anyone listening and me I just want to do it, to be honest with you. So where's Joe now? I really like it.
I think someone might have ruined it slightly, which we talked about in the first step, because you were told that we were sponsoring a football team or something. Yeah. Basically, you turn up or I turn up in different areas without... Oh, yeah, that bit. Oh, that bit's set up, yeah. Yeah. So you don't know where I am. No, I don't know where you are.
And I'm pointing the camera straight up at the sky. Yeah, all I can see are the clouds and I can see sort of an overhang of some building, which I'm sort of guessing what it is, but I don't know where you are. I don't know what it is. All right, so... Yeah, I was going to show you. Okay. Ready? Hang on a minute. Before you do this, how am I going to feel when I see it, do you think?
Just like, not like, just be like, oh, bloody hell, how did you get in there? Okay. Ready? Yeah. I'm in the Brighton Stadium. Look at that. Oh, my word. Yeah, I'm now walking into the middle of the pitch. I'm walking towards the centre circle of the Brighton pitch. Look at that. I'm going to go keep going round. Look at that. There's a picture over there with the bags. What am I feeling?
Just intense jealousy. Look at that. I'm now walking. I'm going to go right to the centre spot of the Brighton Football Club stadium. I'm now about eight foot away from the centre spot. Now, I am absolutely in the middle of the Brighton football ground. Look at that. Look at that. I don't know what... I don't know what... Wow. What's going on? Why are you there? What is going on? Right, okay.
Part two. I'm going to get Petra. Where's Petra? Petra's gone off now. I need to tell her. What's it like? What's it like in the middle of the... Do you know what? When you walk... See here? There's a tunnel over there, right? I came out and I literally went, hello there. I literally went... Because it's so...
mad right it's so mad to be like it's just so big and sort of imposing and you go imagine walking out to this every week as a footballer and just going oh my god I'm playing in front of like 30,000 people but when I go to a game with my friend Simon that's where we sit up there right yeah and I can't get my head round that I'm just sitting there looking and it feels really close yeah like if you're a football fan you can see a football player you can see everyone's flipping faces yeah
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Chapter 2: What is Joe's experience at the Brighton Stadium like?
Here we go. Look at that. Oh, my God. Now open your present. Okay. Look at that, boy. Shit. Oh, my God. I'm so proud of us. We're sponsoring our five-a-side team shirts. And so is the Caxton pub in Brighton. Us and the Caxton pub. Right. Joe is wearing a football top with Chattapixico. Oh, my God. Well, open your prezzy. Open your prezzy, boy. Oh, yeah. Look, look.
Can I show you one thing as well? Look. Can you see on the back? No. Oh, you've got your name on it? Yeah. I've gone for number 10, like Glenn Uddle. Oh, my word. So you got one as well. I hate that I looked at the size and I hate you made that decision. I hate that you and Petra must have said what size you think he is. Go lower so he'll make him feel better about himself.
Don't go extra, extra large. Don't focus on the negatives, David. Focus on the fact that Chatterwick's a spot to the five-a-side team. Do you know what? I want to frame it. Yeah, me too. This is the one and only time I'm wearing this. Yeah, I don't want to ruin this. Also, do you know what's really annoying? Two days ago, I read that Taskmaster are sponsoring Chess MFC. And I was like, oh...
I was like, oh. We haven't nicked it. I've been planning this for months. What do you think? What do you think of the whole surprise? How much of it was ruined by the chap the other day? Do you reckon? Or was it, I'm hoping, was still fun? Oh, I had no idea you were going to be there. I didn't have a clue. I thought it was going to be, like I said, the Hassocks. Right. I didn't have a clue.
I can't get over them in the stadiums. Everyone's warming up now. This is starting to feel real. I'm not sure I actually want to play because everyone looks like they're taking... I was hoping it... Look, can I just show you that everyone's warming up? Look at that. It's lovely. Oh, the shot. You're still on the... Yeah. It's good, isn't it? Shall I go up into the stacks? Do you know what?
I just love that you're in the middle of... Do you know what's quite... It's made me go, oh, they have five-side tournaments on there. I feel like no one should be allowed in there. Yeah, I know what you mean. Yeah, especially us. Yeah, exactly. Anything I touch is now soiled. I'm going into the stack. Look at that. Look at this.
What?
I love that ground as well. Whenever I drive by, I just see this really cool, yeah. I'm going up into the stands. Going up into the stands. Oh my God. Okay. Yeah, go up to where you, can you go up to where you normally sit? I can't because it's in the second tier, but. Right, right. So everything looks really close then on the pitch. No, I just realised second, yeah, I know, look.
Oh, they can see your face. Yeah. Yeah. Do you know what? Next season, when my mate's moving to about here, because we've done it a few times, this is where I'll be sitting next season. Here, about here where I'll go, my mate. Let's see. He's obviously a season ticket holder. Yeah, yeah. And he gets, he can just get, like, because he goes to a few people when someone drops out.
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Chapter 3: How does Joe feel about playing in a tournament?
Because if I play it too casual, you'll go, oh, look, he's deliberately going, I'll play it casual. And if I, I don't know how I can play it without you. Play it normal. No, you want me playing it normal, where you'll go, oh, look, I know what he's doing there. It's nothing, and there's no way I can think of a way of doing this where you don't go,
I was playing a snooker game on Twitch last week and someone just came on to try and went, oh, look at you concentrating on your game. Yeah, well, it's kind of what I'm worried about. I'm worried about you thinking, oh, he thinks he's Flash or something. And I'm just, it's really got in my head. Oh my God, I'm going to be Martin Keoghan to be a pundit. I think you're Lee Dixon.
Whoever, I'm going to be a pundit for 90 minutes. I think we start at nine. I don't know if I'm selected for the first game. We have substitutes. Oh my God, that man just did a fucking bit of skill that's worried me. Sorry, if Petra films this, we'll have it on video and I can watch it on another pod app. Oh no, she was going to live it. So she was going to do it like this. Oh, my God, really?
Well, that was the plan, yeah. Oh, my God. I've got another idea. You're absolutely popping this morning. We give this video file to, like, Jermaine Janus and he comes on the pod. And analyzes your... Analyzes that I've only got one foot. Oh, yeah. What's Petra filming it on her camera? No, do it like this. She's literally going to do it like this on my phone.
Okay, this has got to be thought about. I don't think it does. I already feel like... Oh, you should have worn a head cam. It would be great when I tried it. Oh, no, that's all right. No, no, sorry, I was just being nosy. Thanks, mate. Oh, you should have worn one. You should have worn one on a stick pointing back at you. That won't get in the way of me going, will it?
I was thinking of having it on my chest like that. Imagine running around like that. Yeah. Oh, she's going to live stream it. Yeah. Yeah, that's the idea. I thought it was reaffirmed. Jesus Christ. So what do you win and who are you playing? So the tournament is like, I think there's a little, there's a semi and a final.
I think there's a little round robin thing and then there's like a semi and a final and the whole thing finishes at half 12. God, no matter how relaxed you all are about it, you're going to be so up for it when the game starts. Well, I've got a slight feeling of, which I had with the 11-a-side charity game, was what I felt on a Sunday morning.
where you sort of know it doesn't mean anything, but I'm sort of nervous in case. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know why. I don't know what's there to be nervous about. No, it will mean something as soon as you start. And then you'll be talking about the next team you've got to play and how they get on. Yeah, and someone will start noticing who their strongest player is.
Oh, no, what if you become the team that just get absolutely... Oh, have I told you about when I played...
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Chapter 4: What challenges does Joe face during the match?
You've moved on, Joe. Hello, mate. Hello, Dave. Just doing an impression of my dad. Oh, dear. I want people to think I'm a bit cheesy. You want people to feel like you're relatable. Yeah, exactly. Just a run-of-the-mill pizza. Yeah. Oh, Manson McTaggart. Manson McTaggart. Oh, yeah? What about him? Well, they're just estate agents in Sussex. I wrote a song about Manson McTaggart. Sure.
What do you mean, what about them? They're estate agents. I thought they were, what do you call it, a tool hire? No, no, estate agents. Manson McTaggart. God, they're getting a bloody plug now. Hello there, you alright? How you doing? Here we go, love it. Pardon? Oh good, yeah, yeah, looking forward to it. Good chat, good chat. Terrible chat. Good chat.
Look at that, that's the, not so glamorous now. They've taken them down so people like me don't sit on them. Are these the dugouts? Yeah. Well, they've taken what? What? They've taken the actual... Well, they've covered them, so look. Where's the shelter though? It's already under shelter, isn't it? Oh, so they've got no... No, the shelter of the thing comes right out.
So where does the manager stand? Where would Ten Hag stand? This is the box. This is the manager's box here. You know where they can come out. So this is where Pep would stand. This is where Pep would stand. That's Pep's view. Wow. I'm going to walk all the way around. Do you want to see the goals we're going to be playing? Yeah. Yeah, I'd like to see how tall, how high they are compared to you.
Oh, yeah. No, well, look, head height. Oh, there they are. Sorry, there they are. Okay. Are the other goals up, the main goals? Yeah. Yes, have a look at those. Oh, gosh. I don't know. I'm going to walk all the way around. Another touch of the ball. Here we go. Crazy. Here we go. That was a real tough one as well. When's your first match? I think they're about nine o'clock or something.
Should I stand where the keyboard's standing? God, it's quite near people, though. I must admit, even you doing it, I don't think I could do this. No. Well, my skin's crawling. I'm definitely not going where the goal is, because they're people. Right, so... Oh, right. How does that crossbar feel high to you? Just as a touch on tiptoe. Really?
Can you stand in the middle as if you're about to take a penalty? I am. I mean, face a penalty. Oh my God, you're surrounded by men. Oh my God. Let's get out of here. Let's get out of here. I'm going to go to the safety of the corner. Yeah. Do you know what? Do you know what's really annoying me? I can't find Petra. She's my... You know, you go... Yeah. I can see her. I feel a bit safer.
Yeah, I do feel like I'm now your little blanket. Yeah, my comfy blanket. Wow, fucking look at the thickness of the corner flags. Look at that. See? Can't see it. Can you see that? Hold on. Look. Look at that. Wow, cool. Wow. Super little bit of pubs, eh? Right, I've nearly walked all the way around. Now where? I'm just going back down to the corner where it must, to another corner.
Look, I want to show you the groups of lads. There's a group of lads here. What? They just look all in the right gear. They're all in the gear. Oh, there'll be some good players there tonight. Yeah. Know it. And do you know what? It's never the ones you expect. Yeah. It's always someone who's a bit decent in his youth. Yeah. Oh, my God, I can't wait to watch you play.
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Chapter 5: How does Joe's team perform against the opposition?
And then tweet it. Or not, you don't have to. Yeah, no, please do. Just hashtag Chatterpizza. I love that little restaurant. It's a great little restaurant. Lovely. Good value. Good, wholesome food. Lovely atmosphere. Huge as well. It's huge. Oh, bloody hell. Right, I probably should go and chat to the... I won't go to... Yeah, we'll leave this running. No, fucking, I can't answer.
Oh, right, I'm going to... I want to hear all the chat. No, because your guard don't recognise you. LAUGHTER Who is that, though?
LAUGHTER
mixing worlds yeah exactly yeah the joe plays five a side is very different to the joe on the pod is it i can't imagine it no no there'll be a lot of chat about yami and and then like no but i'm serious actually because uh yeah no i should probably take it easy and then be itching to come on are you one of the best players In your team? No, don't make me answer that.
No, I think Adam's our best player. Okay, say you've got seven players. Where do you come? Number one's the best. You're the third best player in the team. Fourth, maybe. Third or fourth. Okay, well, let me ask them if they think you are.
No.
There's Alex. Joe said you're the third best. I'll ask Alex. Yeah. There's Alex. There's David. All right, David. All right, Alex. Shall I take this out? Shall I take this thing out so you can speak to him? No. Yeah. Is it still working, David? How are you? I can't hear you. I can't hear me. I don't know where this is going. All right, David. How are you? I'm good. How are you?
I'm fucking terrified. They look really good. Well, Joe said you're a bit tasty. He's very complimentary, but apparently some of these, they look young and fit. Have you got a Chatter Mix top on? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you all right with that? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, it's all right. I didn't know you played.
Yeah, I used to play quite a long time ago, but then just my ankle strapped up and my knee strapped up. So, yeah, we'll see how long we last. What level did you play? Sunday League only. Right, right. But even that was kind of tough. If you had to rate your team from like the... Where does Joe come? Oh, Joe? As in best to worst? Yeah. I don't know. I think he's one of the better ones.
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Chapter 6: What is the atmosphere like during the tournament?
Hi. Hello, how exciting. I don't really know what I'm doing. I'm trying to show you them. Are they playing? Yeah, yeah, here you go. They just don't stop. I do know what I'm doing. Do you mean in life? No, you don't really know what you're doing.
Anyway. Right, so I try and show you the pitch. They're just out there. Can you see them? Are they playing? Yeah.
Oh, my God. Okay. Where's Jo? I don't know. Can you see them in the green top? I can see them, yeah. Yeah.
You can commentate if you like.
Okay. Where's Joe? Is he on the other side of the pitch? Who's he walking by? I don't know.
Is that Joe there?
Is that Joe?
Maybe. Hang on. Let me turn around about the picture. Yeah, you can see him. Number 10. Oh, right.
Is there any way of zooming in a bit? I don't know how to. I can't get, I'm not allowed on the pitch, I'll get told off. No.
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Chapter 7: How does Joe react to being filmed while playing?
Yeah.
It'll be nice to get Joe's reaction to the game.
Oh, yeah, yeah. I'll try to do that.
Do you know how long the game is?
20 minutes.
Oh, right. And it must be nearly... He's got the ball now. He's on the left-hand side. Oh, he's taken... He has got a little touch on him. Okay. He'll be very happy with what he just did then. I can't wait to get his immediate feedback. Oh, is he coming off? He's coming off. Oh, yes. Oh, here we go. So Joe's been subbed. How's he feel about that? Why are you off? Subbed myself off. Why?
We're getting busted. No, it's 2-0. Oh, they're all over us. Oh. Oh, man. Oh. I'm... How are you feeling? Shattered. Can you see anything? Yeah, honestly, there's about three or four little nuggets that we will be dissecting. Oh, no, bad things? No, too positive, too negative. Oh, too positive, too negative, shit. I came away going, you're very comfortable on the ball. Oh, really?
Yeah, you're composed. Oh, I love that. We clip that, James. Loopity-loop. I came away going, you're very comfortable on the ball. Yeah, you're composed. I came away going, you're very comfortable on the ball. You did a nice little... You had the ball and their attacker was sort of coming at you and you just did a little turn inside. There's a lot of dropping your shoulders going on.
Good or bad? Oh, it's good. I don't know. I'm dizzy. I feel really ashamed as well. Why? I don't know. I think we're all wearing matching tops. It dawned on me halfway through. It's like, fucking hell. I'm nearly 50. What am I doing? Getting really stuck into a 23-year-old. I did say to Petra, I wonder what he's thinking now. How much is his mind on the game? Yeah, a little bit.
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Chapter 8: What are Joe's reflections on the match and his performance?
All right. I kept waiting for it to go. But I did... Yeah, no, it's fine. Well, not annoyingly, but I haven't even got that to blame. Yeah. I do feel like I'm not quite myself. I don't know why. I'm sort of... I'm in a sort of semi-self-preservation mode. I think I'm a bit embarrassed by everything. Why? I don't know.
It's only dawned on me that I'm playing Seven Aside on a Thursday morning and it feels a bit stupid. No, it's not stupid. I was watching going, oh, I'd like to play. I'd like to be part of that. Yeah, no, it is fun, but I don't know. There's something about me that's just slightly embarrassing. Have you had any crunch crunches? No. Their centre forward didn't give you a little.
I've had the opposite of crunch crunches. I've had a lot of people, right, odd bloke. He fell on the floor and I went, oh, you're right, mate. And someone else said, oh, no, you're right. He just didn't say anything. I felt like, oh, shut up. Well, not shut up, say something. Yeah. You know when you go, that's a friendly game. Yeah. It's just a smile, basically.
Anyway, I feel like I'm doing a post-interview chat and trying to not hold any, give anything away. Very media-trained heavy. Yeah, exactly. Well, actually, rather than, I'm just boring. I just feel deflated. No, it's not boring listening. No, it's not. Oh, I thought my phone's on low battery. It's not boring listening. Yeah, I feel flat. I feel flat. do you? Yeah, can't help it.
I feel the adrenaline's dropped. I feel like I've got another two of these to go and I'm like, really? Yeah, and they're going to get harder. Yeah, and also I've seen the stadium now and I've played a match on it. I'm sort of glad I'm not getting to the final. That's a bit of self-preservation as well. Yeah. Oh, dear. You're playing in one of the great stadiums in the country.
Yeah, I know, and I'm embarrassed. And you're so over it. Yeah, yeah. I think I'm almost sulking. Yeah. I've not been made to do this. This is taking a turn. I just thought you were going to say, cool, bloody hell, knackered. Well, I don't know. I've flatlined. Yeah. I think. I've just come down off the high. Oh God. Yeah. Yeah.
I'm sorry everyone if you're listening and you're hoping for a sort of semi-final and final update and an open-top bus and everything. No. Well, I really can't wait to look over the videos. Yeah, I think this is... I feel... Yeah, I'm going to need a while. Yeah, no, sure. Take as long as you want, buddy. Because I'll be there waiting. In the comfort of your home. Oh, dear. Doesn't matter.
Don't care. I just feel like a wazzock. A wazzock? A wazzock. Here comes Charlie Wazzock. I'm going to do a song called Charlie Wazzock. Yeah, I'll do backing on it. I think I deserve it. Amazing how... Not how I thought I'd feel after playing on... No, I don't... I don't know, what is it that you're just like... It's definitely a bit of age.
Is it a build-up because you've been arranging it for a while? Yeah, and also I think I was like, I don't like those moments where you go, oh, right, yeah, I'm a bit doddery.
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