Bert Kreischer | Club Random with Bill Maher
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Why do Bert and Bill talk about quitting smoking and drinking?
My wife is like obsessed with you. Oh, I know. She calls me all the oh wait, that's the wrong way to start a relationship. Uh no. I first of all Um I'm so thrilled to have you at a bar because I know you know your way around at a bar. I man, I I You already have a drink.
Yeah, I just poured it. I'm I'm waiting to sip it for you. I was gonna I have this, you know.
You don't drink much, right? You know, sadly I do not.
That's but that's the right But you
know, it's uh that's yeah, absolutely. It's strictly a function of like you just can't have everything in life and you can't be sixty six and drink a lot. Six you not look sixty six. Well that's thank you. That's part of the reason. You just can't.
Yeah.
And so, you know and you know, I smoked for twenty years, that was stupid. When I stopped cigarettes? Yeah. When I stopped doing that, I was like, everything that I thought I needed it for, I didn't need it for. Now it's not the same with liquor exactly, because t cigarettes do nothing for you. They don't make you high. It's not a high drug, it's a stupid addiction 'cause it at least liquor does something for you. Yeah, I used to chew tobacco. That's that was so stupid. That was so stupid. That was the funnest. That was the funnest. Yeah. Yeah.
I miss it so much. Really? I miss smoking. I smoke too. I miss it. The idea of like having something to look forward to, like a treat, where you go, Ooh, I can have a cigarette. Why would that be a treat to chew tobacco? I don't get Oh my God. Well I grew up in the South, so that's the uh like you ever you ever been on the road when like back when you do the road road and you'd get done radio and you get in the elevator to go to your room and you go, Oh, I haven't jacked off yet today. You'd be like, Oh, I got I got a treat coming my way. Okay. I
d to need to be doing radio to to be availing myself of this treat. I I just I was uh there was a comic, I think his name was Chris Rush. Something like that. He was I had one album we listened to as kids. think it was him, might have been somebody else. And he had this bit about uh, you know, if you people who say when you masturbate you kill, you know, so many sperms. And I was like I I was the Eichman of my block. I remember and and I I feel like if if there is a hell for killing sperm I mean, I jerked off like I mean, twenties, tens. Does it e does it ever taper off? Yes. But way later than I thought. Really. I mean Way later than I thought. And certainly not completely.
Yeah. But
yes. Oh,
absolutely. Oh, high there was I thought I'd be done by now. Like when I was a kid I was like, It'll be out of my system when I'm turning fifty, right? There was decades when I
Couldn't sleep before I Game. Yeah.
What’s the story behind Bert’s “masturbation” jokes?
Usually jerking off, sometimes sex sometimes both. Uh couldn't get out of bed. Certainly in my twenties, l uh uh I I seem to remember always waking up, jerking off, going back to sleep. This is the life of a comedian. Yeah. And then waking up for good. But like, oh I'm up, I could jerk off. Ah, then now I'm back to sleep. Jerking off makes me sleep. So that was at least you know And then of course I'd you know, we up late sometimes you had to get up early for some reason, so you take a nap or you gotta jerk off before that. I mean, you know, it adds up. Uh
any any one jerk off moment stand out to you?
Well, you know, Walter I've got a couple where I like gave up. This is Edward O'Murrow. And we're here talking with uh no uh any jerkish.
Do you ever remember like do you ever do ever get do you ever get caught? No. Caught Like walked in on no. David Teljug, my mom walked in on me, I was like, Help, my hand and dick are fighting. My other hand's distracting the ball my balls the way
I like. There was a c another comedian Was this? The mists of time. This this may have been Ed Bluestone if it no, no, I th it was like it was Bob Shaw. I don't know. It could have been Al Jolston. I don't remember this. But this is a great joke. He said I used to jerk off into a a tissue, right? And then fall asleep and the tissue would stick to the end of my dick. And when I woke up I'd have a heart on, it looked like my dick was surrendering.
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Chapters
8 chapters
1
Why do Bert and Bill talk about quitting smoking and drinking?
0:01–2:43
2
What’s the story behind Bert’s “masturbation” jokes?
2:43–27:59
3
How did Bert finally find the ending to his Russian‑mafia bit?
27:59–37:11
4
Why are Bad Santa and other movies a big topic in this episode?
37:11–43:21
5
Why did Bert quit drinking and how did it affect his marriage?
43:21–48:24
6
What do Bert and Bill say about mixing alcohol with weed and the party lifestyle?
48:24–58:11
7
How do they transition from personal habits to a discussion about politics, civics, and the historicity of Jesus?
58:11–1:07:31
8
Why does Bert claim he can run a marathon after a night of partying and what does that reveal about his outlook?
1:07:31–1:23:15