Chapter 1: What is Denis Leary's relationship with Conan O'Brien?
Hi, my name is Dennis Leary. And I feel like I could give a fuck about being Conan O'Brien's friend, because I'm already his fucking cousin. It's true. It's true.
You know, first of all, we were just acquired by PBS, so... I'm going to reduce... You're going to reduce the fuckage? Yeah.
Fall is here, hear the yell Back to school, ring the bell Brand new shoes, walkin' loose Climb the fence, books and pens I can tell that we are gonna be friends I can tell that we are gonna be friends. Hey there!
Welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, joined as always by Sonam Obsession.
Yeah, hi.
Matt Gorley. Hi. And I'm gonna let people have a little peek behind the scenes of how we work here. I noticed something recently, which is we always have the interview start with the guest saying, and then blank.
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Chapter 2: How did Denis Leary and Conan O'Brien discover their family connection?
Mm-hmm. And I feel blank about being Conan O'Brien's friend. And we give them a physical piece of paper. And that's the way we've been doing it now for, is it five years? Six years? Almost eight. It's over seven years. Seven and a half. Oh, my God. Speeding towards the grave. All right. Anyway, walking hurriedly towards the grave. Okay.
And what I noticed is that guests, not every guest, but maybe one in three... they get fidgety.
Chapter 3: What healthy lifestyle choices does Denis Leary discuss?
And so there's this piece of paper in front of them and they would do this a lot with their paper and slide it around. And it would distract me. I think sometimes you would hear it, Eduardo. Yes, every now and then. And I just started to notice there must be a better way. And so finally,
For the first time recently, we started, I suggested, isn't there a better way where there's no physical piece of paper? So we started putting it up on a screen over there on the wall so there's nothing in front of them and they can't fidget. We try it out for the first time recently and we're doing it.
The guest says, hello, my name is blank and I feel blank about being Conan O'Brien's friend and we're off to the races. Everything's great. And then I start to hear... And I'm like, what the hell? And I look over and you, Matt Gourley, the podcast maestro, the producer, you were like, you were shuffling your paper and you kept crinkling it and uncrinkling it.
And I kept looking at you and you were looking at me. You weren't picking up on my signal. And then I had to point at you during the interview at your paper and you made this oops face.
Yeah. What were you doing? In my defense, it was in the Kevin Nealon episode. Yeah. And you guys were just insane.
Yeah, that's true.
So I think I was just like disassociating, you know? Because it was uncomfortable. No, it wasn't uncomfortable. I just normally don't do that kind of thing, but I was rolling the corner of my paper.
Oh my God, it was so loud. I apologize, yeah. Well, no, listen, apology not accepted.
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Chapter 4: What was the Emerson Comedy Workshop and how did it start?
Oh, then apology rescinded. Oh. How do I get that apology back? Because now I'm reconsidering and I would like the apology.
You have to really show me that you want it. Where is it stored, the apology? At my apology safety deposit box.
Okay, I've got to get in there. That's my new heist movie with my friends. Me and my friends got to get into that vault and get that apology back. Oh, my God. The worst heist movie ever. The worst for an apology. Yeah, I did it. We got it. It's all of us in some villa in France that we can't afford because we got no money. And we're all toasting each other as I unbox the apology.
Wait, and you open it and there's nothing in there.
You just hear, I apologize. It comes out and it disappears into the air.
I apologize.
Into the ether? Yeah. So anticlimactic. And then someone comes in and says, get out of my villa.
Oh.
You don't pay anything.
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Chapter 5: How does Denis Leary describe his experiences growing up in Worcester?
An Italian can own a villa in France. And in this movie, because I can't afford the really good French villa, I go to the Italian villa in France. Asshole, Eduardo.
So the Italian villas are subpar is what you're saying.
No, this one just happens to be. I would never generalize. But this guy really doesn't have his shit together. Except he's on it with the billing.
Anyway.
Yeah. So I think I have to start taking paper away from you because I'm going to have other interviews.
It happened one time in hundreds, three, almost 400 interviews.
But it happened the first time that we had removed. That was the best part. It was the first time I had removed paper from the guest to try and stop this problem. When I hear crinkle, crinkle, crinkle, crinkle, crinkle, crinkle. And I'm like, who's ordering crinkle cut fries? And I look over and there's my girl.
You're not above this. You're often doodling on your paper.
Doodling is different. That is an artist expressing himself. Oh, no. You owe me an apology. Oh, like you know about noises that come up in the... Oh, yeah, you do listen to the podcast. Do I make a lot of ding, ding, ding noises? No, what you do is this. Yeah. Yeah. That's me.
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Chapter 6: What insights does Denis Leary share about the Boston comedy scene?
Well, I'm very, I have a high moral standard. But the audience wouldn't know that. And a lot of times I'm like, I cut them all out. That's me disapproving of the morality of the people around me. I'm tisking them. So I should leave those in? No, you should take them out, but you should put them in a box and put them in a safety deposit box. I've got one of those.
Movie ends with me and my gang at an Italian villa in Switzerland. No, an Italian villa in Ireland. And we open up the box and all these come out. And then a guy comes in and says, are you in the bay or your bill? Now get out or I throw this pile of potatoes at you. Oh. Ireland.
Because it's Ireland.
I tied it all together. God, he's good. Who's talking? Conan. About who? Himself. Anyway, no more paper for you. No more paper for me. And I'll try not to do...
yeah, why do you guys even need paper? When do I do that?
When do you do it? No, but when?
You do it usually as you're about to begin a thought.
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Chapter 7: How does Denis Leary's family influence his comedy career?
So you go like, another thing you always say coming into a response to a guess is, you know, it's interesting that, or it's very funny that, and then you'll go, and then say something.
Yeah. Yeah. It's very erotic when I think about it.
It's erotic?
Do you think that's a turn on for women? Not at all. Really? Define erotic.
Yeah. What do you mean? Yeah.
When I was single, when I was single, I used to go, Oh yeah, this is really good. Oh my God.
It sounds like you're trying to... Girls love it when guys make creepy noises at them. Like that really works for a lot of girls.
Sounds like you're summoning a horse.
And that's me. I'm in the bathroom. They're in the bedroom. I'm just talking to the mirror. I don't know what's happening in this scenario.
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Chapter 8: What can we expect from Denis Leary's television series 'Going Dutch'?
When you were my assistant, you never had any paper. I used to ask you to write things down and you wouldn't do it.
Yeah, but look who's not making noise. This guy...
Will you admit that you rarely had paper when you were my assistant?
You know why I didn't have paper? Because I was using an iPad with the writing stylus because I was trying to save paper.
You were drawing dicks and butts.
You were drawing dicks and butts with your stylus. But I was also taking certain notes. It wasn't all just... It wasn't all dicks and butts.
I remember the time I went over your notes. I looked over your shoulder and you were drawing butts.
Okay.
I...
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