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Chapter 1: Why does Patton Oswalt feel relieved about being Conan O'Brien's friend?
Hi, my name is Patton Oswalt, and I feel relieved about being Conan O'Brien's friend. Relieved? Relieved. You thought you were just barely hanging on with me? Hanging on by my fingertips? I know you got way bigger people you're hanging out with. Yes, I do. When everyone grabs the chocolate chip cookies, you learn to like the oatmeal. You learn to like the oatmeal cookies. Yes, sir.
Fall is here, hear the yell Back to school, ring the bell Brand new shoes, walkin' loose Climb the fence, books and pens I can tell that we are gonna be friends Yes, I can tell that we are gonna be friends
Hey there, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. I'm Conan O'Brien.
Chapter 2: What are the challenges of modern-day press tours?
Big surprise. Joined by Sonam Obsession.
Hello.
Matt Gorley. Hi. And very exciting show today. And I'm excited because this is a follow-up. You know, every now and then something comes up in a podcast and maybe it piques the listener's interest and then we get to follow up with new information that changes the whole story. Do you know what I'm talking about here, Matt?
I do, yeah.
Why don't you take the ball?
Well, in an episode not long ago, we were talking about the epic time that Eduardo called Conan a little bitch.
Yeah. Yeah, well, I don't know if it's epic time.
It was epic.
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Chapter 3: How does Patton Oswalt find comfort in feeling overwhelmed?
Maybe the darkest hour.
One for the ages.
In the history of our nation. Monumental.
Clutched my pearls.
Hero of mine.
And actually, we were all reveling in it.
Yes, and just to make it clear, we were talking on a certain subject, and then Eduardo out of nowhere just called me a little bitch. Out of nowhere.
It wasn't out of nowhere. I know, out of nowhere.
Well, I think we're going to litigate this again because I'm talking about the time we were talking about that.
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Chapter 4: What humorous stories does Conan share about past guests?
I kind of stopped us all.
I don't think I would ever, I don't think I could ever call you a bitch again. It just feels like. And then you said you still have a little bit of professional fear. And I, I, I think I do.
And it was so funny because you have kicked my ass to the curb in so many different ways.
I've called you a dick. Sure. I've called you an asshole.
Well, I am those things. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
I don't know why bitch feels like it's a little too hard.
Harsh.
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Chapter 5: How has the landscape of late-night television changed?
No, but to you, it it stopped you a little bit. And you were surprised that Eduardo said it. Yeah. And you thought I couldn't go that far.
Yes.
OK, well, some information has come in over the transom. And Matt, you were the keeper of this information. Care to tell us about it?
Well, as soon as we left that segment, Sam Curry, who handles all the wonderful social media, put a clip in all of our faces. Let's just roll the clip.
We can talk shit, right?
The dreaded Sonam of Session, who's terrific at cornhole. Yeah, I'm terrific.
Come on, you little bitch. Fucking can't throw, you little bitch. What wasted height. God, this is embarrassing for you. Loser. You can't fucking talk to me.
I'm not worried about this at all.
I can't get better at this. If we did a competition where we built wooden airplanes, you'd win. Dork. Someone's getting hurt because of you. She's losing! I don't think I've ever seen you throw anything.
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Chapter 6: What insights does Patton offer about the pressures of performing?
That was one of those. It was one of those summer s'mores. So you were drinking alcohol.
Yes, I was.
I don't even remember. But you probably made the cocktail. I did, I think. Yeah, I had some liquid courage.
What was in there, do you think?
Yeah, so you... The chocolate one? Well, no, I don't know. Okay, I guess my point is, your defense is that you were drinking.
Yeah.
And we all know that in vino veritas, truth comes out of drinking. So all that reveals is that you really do think I'm a little bitch. You are a little bitch.
Here's what I know. I know I get competitive and I know we were competing and I'm even more competitive when I'm competing against you.
Yes. And you'd been drinking.
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Chapter 7: How does Patton's experience with his children influence his comedy?
Yeah. I once had a rum flavored lozenge and woke up in the library.
You're looking at two little bitches here.
Yeah, I'm a little bitch. And by the way, that's the big that's the big reveal from my doctor is, yes, it came back.
No, I mean, when I used to go out and I would, you know, I would drink pretty heavily.
And then I remember. Sure.
Don't don't add commentary. OK.
Oh, sorry. I thought this was a podcast with my fucking name on it. I don't need your audio additions.
I do. And I think I would. It's not that I blacked out. It's that I was loopy doopy.
You went into a fugue state.
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Chapter 8: What themes emerge in Patton's latest special, Tea & Scotch?
This is back in the day. It's all changed seismically since then. Yes. So the next thing I know- Seismically is a good way to put it.
Yes.
I am talking to a young woman's interviewing us while Rose and I are finger painting. Yes. And then that would be over and they'd say, get rid of the finger paints, get rid of the finger paints. And then they'd bring in a little blonde Austrian boy named Guter.
And he, his bit is you both have to put on Flemish armor while Guter throws ping pongs at you, ping pong balls, and they have little questions and you have to catch them and then answer the questions you catch. And 900 billion views. And you do these, and it's one thing for me to do it because people are used to me being humiliated all the time.
But Dame Judi Dench has to be lowered into a giant toilet filled with hot caramel, and then the person asks her questions about her career. And it's called, you know, Schicksalhausen.
Yes, exactly. We're promoting the movie The Queen, and what better way to do it than on Royal Flush? Yeah, yeah. That's where we... But okay, here's what's even weirder, though. You're in a movie called If I Had Legs, I'd Kick You, which is a very, like, kind of, it has funny parts to it, but it's a drama. It's a very dark drama, and you're doing finger painting. Yes.
So that's like having Willem Dafoe and Charlie Sheen, like, doing, playing Gnip-Gnop, going, go see Platoon. It's a really dark movie about, oh, you got through, Willem.
The loss of America's innocence. Man's in humanity to me. Got it! My hippo beat your hippo.
I guess I was hungrier, Willem.
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