Chapter 1: What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
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Slaphead, cue ball, hairline malign, follicly challenged and bowling ball aligned. Yes! It's time for Best of Bored.
I miss your hair.
I don't actually. Okay. That's fair. I miss not having all the gray hair, but like, I wish I had shaved my head earlier in life. I wish I had just bitten the bullet and tried it because man, I like being bald. I will not. I'm not looking forward to, I'm very likely to bald at some point. I am not looking forward to it. I have a terrible head shape for that.
I have a very tall, very tall forehead, very flat sides of my head. I'm going to look like a goddamn Easter Island statue when I have to shave my head at some point here. Well, I seriously considered like doing like a wig of some kind, like trying to get a wig that looked like my old hair and like getting one of those because I didn't know what I would look like.
I think if you're actually worried about like that's a legit route to go is like try to get a wig made that looks like your hair the way it currently is and then not to worry about it. I don't know why it feels like there's almost like
get head surgery come on just change your head shape oh i thought you meant like i thought you meant like hair hair replace i was like there is follicle no no the problem wasn't the hair the problem was the head shape you gotta listen you gotta listen so what cut my skull off squish my brain into a new better head shape yeah just shave it all down squish it in there
Can you imagine if they had skull replacement surgery where they just like literally just took your eyes, put them into a new skull and all that? That'd be awful. They don't have to take your eyes out. They just cut it off right here and just let your eyes sit in the bottom half while they put the new top half on. Oh, what if you want a new bottom half too? What's that Tom Cruise movie?
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Chapter 2: What does it mean to be bald in today's society?
You go to a sketchy apartment and a guy sneezes in your open brain while he puts a new skull on top of you for you so you look different. The sneeze is good for you. Builds your immune system. There's so many antibiotics or something. It's fine. Lasers. Just calm down. Also, you shouldn't be awake for this. Go to sleep. What are you doing awake noticing my sneezes?
Well, I'm glad we got this into the I missed that. I think I do miss that head reconstruction. My hair, I don't miss. I'm glad you miss it. I don't miss it. That's good. That's good. I am choosing to lose all my hair.
Chapter 3: How do personal experiences shape perceptions of baldness?
I believe that having hair is against God. Huh? Huh? You get a bald point. All right. Never thought I'd get a bald point. Not until I went bald anyway. If you don't, if all your hair doesn't fall out in the next five seconds, I don't think that point should count.
Pfft.
editors no one ever will tell us apart now one time i posted a tweet and i was like hey hope you're all well and you know what the first response was bald that is not the only time that has happened to you and since then i have declared war on social media because i wasn't even bald back then uh well you talked about it you've been talking about that for a long time since way before you were yeah but back then it hurt my feelings
How are you not sure that your baldness wasn't caused by microplastics? Because I paid someone to shave it and I watched. What if your hair follicles are clogged by microplastics? What if you just need to wash better? What if you're not bald? What if you're just evolving? When did you say the start of the microplastics or our plastic age was, Bob?
I mean, the back half of the 20th century is kind of like the plastic. Plastics came about in the, like, 60s, 50s, 60s. Okay, well, I've got some old family photos from probably, like, before that, I don't remember, like, great-great-grandpa was also bald. Oh, sure, before that, yeah.
Well, I don't think he was young in, like... But he lived in the lead and uranium age, so maybe that's unrelated, but un-unrelated. That was lead hair loss. And actually, you know what? Microplastics causing baldness, I think, supports my side.
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Chapter 4: What are the humorous alternatives to hair loss?
So, yeah, you know what? It probably did. Oh, my God. Okay, so you're saying baldness is a bad thing. It is for some. Have you seen some people's head shapes? Not everyone is defolically gifted like me. I have like a crease and I have a big mole on the top of my head. I would look and it's dead center on my head. So it's not like a spot.
It would be like a little target on the top middle of my head. I would look not great with a shaved head. And I'm definitely afraid that that's the direction I'm headed because my mom's stepfather was a bald man. And that maybe that might be my future. You just grow it down here and it distracts people from what's going on up there. I can't. Do I get to grow a better beard if I go bald?
Does it migrate? Because I can't grow a beard for shit right now. I mean, mine started around that time, but maybe not everybody. I haven't shaved in like four or five days. You can't even really tell. No hair grows here at all. No, I grow like a terrible little shitty mustache. That's because of microplastics, maybe, probably. Probably.
It's almost definitely because... No, I mean... Ooh, that was an incredible chess move.
You just got Bob to admit that maybe microplastics might be bad. That's double points for Wade. Woo!
Microplastics would never harm me. It's probably Wade's fault that nothing grows on my face. Why is it Wade's fault? Because his head is setting a terrible example. Well, you're moving back to Ohio. You're going to be nearer to the source, the plague bearer of microplastics. Yeah, well, if I'm bald in a year, then we'll all know that it's Wade.
We know with the amount of processed food I eat, I'm probably 90% microplastic at this point. Yeah, that probably actually is probably true. My tits definitely ain't real anymore. They're pure plastic. Microplastic. I feel like that's points for microplastics right there. Yeah, that sounds like points for microplastics. Do you think they look good? Thanks, man.
You're going to credit those fabulous bazoinkers? I'm willing to give Bob those points. It means I look good.
As you are now is exactly what you were then is what we're discovering. No, no.
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Chapter 5: How do microplastics relate to hair loss?
I'm not entirely sure. I guess I should start putting sugar in my hair and not in my mouth. That'll treat both my diseases. You just gotta go to Turkey. I don't know what happens at the Turkey International Airport, but you step off that plane, 10 men jump out with dark cloaks and razors and...
you'll be it's not at a hospital it's just you go it's like one of those 10 minute hotel nap hotels at the airport but it's a hair transplant i have a hair person who shaves my head who swears by going to turkey for different things is this serious yeah yeah actually What is the benefit of having her shave your head? I have really thick hair in the back.
And there are times where I just flat out don't have time to do it because it actually takes a very long time to get my head as smooth as I'd like to get it. So days like before I'm about to travel because we're doing like a family photo in Minnesota. It's like didn't have a lot of time today. So rather than me spending two hours and like then Molly be like, you left the spot. You left the spot.
Damn it. I just go there and have them do it because it's quick. He's got a bald guru. She also apparently is just like has all kinds of her. Listen, I could talk about that lady for a while. She's so fast. She's the most fascinating person I've met. Is she from Turkey? Why? How does she have so many Turkey connections? No, I think she's from Russia, actually.
That's closer to Turkey than we are, probably. But yeah, she's got a love web and she loves to go into like what's going on in her love life when we talk. And it's always so fascinating. But that's neither here nor there. But she's big on like telling people to go to Turkey because when I came in and she thought I was 10 years older than I am.
She was like, have you thought about going to Turkey and having them do something? So you don't look so old. That's the thing. Yeah, I could. He's very blunt, very blunt. But I found something in the article about the mice. They were studying how sugars heal the wounds of mice when applied topically. So the mice had like lesions or wounds that like no longer had hair growing on them.
And they put this on there to help heal the wounds. And they were surprised whenever it was also growing fur back. No, yeah, sugar is good for wounds because it's hydroscopic. Sugar really sucks the juice, you know? So they haven't actually, as of the time of me reading this article, this doesn't mention them doing any human studies on it, but they were done it with mice.
They're like, wow, that's actually pretty effective. Molly sent me that and I was reading and I was like, that's kind of fascinating. Molly sending not very subtle hints. Hey, look at this new treatment breakthrough for baldness. Every now and then I wonder, I'm like, do you really like to be bald?
Yeah.
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Chapter 6: What recent studies suggest about hair regrowth?
Canned? Not E. Canned? C-A-N-D. You got it. Carp? Carp. Oh, you bald carp. You stupid bald carp. The three-person employment tribunal panel, the highest court in Scotland apparently, said the remark, quote, crossed a line. It dismissed an argument that the comment was not sexist because women can be bald too.
The judgment said there was a connection between the word bald and the protected characteristic of sex, noting that it is, quote, much more prevalent in men than women. Judge Jonathan Brain added, we find it inherently related to sex. So this has sounded like it's not a joke. It's not a joke at all. Why would you think it was a joke?
Because you said this has to be a joke when you started reading it. And I was thinking it. That's true. You did. No, no. I said it had to be fake. I couldn't believe it because I was aghast. I was aghast. Oh, I see.
I was like, I can't believe this is the world we live in. Aghast.
I can't tell you the number of times I've walked by like a Scottish construction site and just heard them like whistle and go, Bald! The bald calling. I'm glad it's coming to an end.
In a perfect American accent. Bald! Bald! Bald!
Hey laddie!
Bald!
It's disgusting. For some reason, because they're on a construction site, it's just like a New York accent in Scotland. It's like, oh, I can't even do it.
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Chapter 7: What are the implications of hair transplant trends?
We live in a world where I can take any picture I want or I can buy stock photography and get things printed. So the world, the world is your oyster. Got it. Mark. On the front, right? Uh-huh. It's not so bald. You open it up, packet of hair stapled inside. Like, you can have it as a keepsake. So it's like, and it can pop out at you too. Be like, here. It's on like a spring.
You open it and the hair is just like boing, boing. Exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then it's got a sound bite in there, but it's that guy from SpongeBob going, bite!
you don't even have to go bald in a midlife crisis you can just be bald the crisis is not because of the bald but that is I feel like a lot of people will like get hair transplants because they're having a midlife crisis and they're like I can't be bald I can't stay like this I don't think you have to do that I think some people look really good with a fully shaved head
yeah so I had a different idea so you remember like the old Captain America so you're having a midlife crisis sure so it doesn't have Captain America but it says so you're having a midlife crisis and it shows like I don't know a middle-aged guy maybe full head of hair but graying or bald
And then like, I don't know, like a strapping model in the front seat of like a Corvette convertible going down like a nice gold paved road. And then you open it up and the Corvettes crashed it on fire and there's bodies on the ground. It just says expectations versus reality. You're going to die.
No!
Is that a threat or? It's just those expectations versus reality. It just has, that gives a threatening aura to me. Yeah, don't go through it. Don't do it. Don't get the hair transplants or? Maybe. I see what you're going for. Little ominous, little threatening. You could kind of read that as opening. It's like, it's already over.
You know, you might as well accept that, you know, the inevitability of your demise. It could happen at any moment, you know. So why even try? That was really dark. Why is it so dark?
There's that guy that thinks that being brutally honest is the equivalent of being interesting, you know? We're like, I'm better than anyone because I always tell my friends like it is. Hey, you look like shit today, Bob. Hey, Wade, what the fuck happened to your hair? Whoa.
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