Chapter 1: What unexpected event happened to Mark at the Oscars?
Good evening, gentle listeners or watchers, and welcome to Distractible. This illustrated episode, Wiggling Wade, greatest host of the generation, reinvents the wheels of commerce. Balderdash Bob has his house communally pebble-dashed, requests short stories, and treads in shit.
Masturbating Mark evades the red rug, draws snipers, tartypoos, dicks, and Zordon, then gets dusty with eight hot rings. From badger beards to range masters. Yes. It's time for Buy My Thing. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show.
Hey, everyone. Welcome back to another episode of Distractible. I am today's host because I'm bald and bald people have rights, too. I found out. Joined as always by my co-hosts who simulated to disagree with that, Mark and Bob. Hey, what's up? Hey, what's up? How's it going, my haired fellows? Feeling hairy. Oh, hair-tastic. Hair-credible. Hair-rific. Hair-rific?
I got my head shaved again, and I'm at the point now where there's so little color left when I get my head and beard shaved that it's like, please, please stay, stay little fella, don't go.
just gotta cut the gray so that it'll slowly erode from a goatee down to a mustache i'm just gonna have this tiny little bit of beer it looks so bad it's just an outline of your lips i've always thought this was the best facial hair call it my extra smoochers wouldn't be a good look i have a little bit of like A really terrible handlebar.
Anyway, if you've never seen the show before, then I don't know why you tuned into this specific episode, but this is the one you found. I'm not going to explain the rules today because I'm tired and I don't feel like it. We're going to jump into small talk. I have a whole bunch. Something happened this weekend. And it's so crazy because we're doing one a week.
So it's actually like this weekend was nuts. Actually, stuff happened. Yeah, that's fair. I guess actually when it comes out, it'll be last weekend. So Bob, do you want to go first before I hand over the... Yeah, Bob, do you want to... I feel like I have the opposite of what Mark is about to talk about. We set a record for the household in the last week. I don't know. Household records existed.
How many days have you ever gone with? How do I phrase this? where you had a dog or a baby throw up or poop inside the house. Our record is 10 in a row. Wow. I've got a cat. You didn't mention cats. Our record is specifically a cat. Cats can count. Cats can count.
yeah keeter's stopped using his potty pads again so we've had i don't know how many days in a row but a lot it's been a minefield coming to my office it's been in my anywhere there's carpet you never know anymore your feet will tell you for either one or two lovely that sort of undercuts the dramatic storytelling i was building up there but no please go ahead it's not a fun tale for me
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Chapter 2: What humorous stories do Bob and Mark share about their pets?
Bebe. Hodges? Yeah, yeah. Bebe. B-E. B-E. Hodges. I am so sorry. I love when Babe writes us some notes. Hey, Babe. Babe. Babe, Markiplier's at the Oscars. This headline is so funny. Milford Grad gets lost at the Oscars. Quote, the whole carpet's red. I just...
Ah, man. You know, I hope... Oh, so funny.
God. God.
Yep. It just really makes me seem like a bumbling fool at the Oscars. So to defend myself, I'm actually doing a first for the small talk portion. I am going to be the listeners are going to get mad the earliest they've ever been in an episode because I'm drawing things on the screen because I need to to properly illustrate how this all went down. Are we getting a map of the Oscars?
Yep, you're getting a map of the Oscar. Behold.
Wow.
Paint. All right. So it's nothing right now, but hold on. I'm ready. Editors are going to love this one because I'm going to make them look at stuff later too. Yeah, it's all good. Okay. So first off, you have Hollywood Boulevard, right? So you got, you know, it's, it's Holly. I don't know why I'm writing this out. Hollywood.
No, you're good.
Hollywood. I don't see enough sex shops to believe you. Okay, here we go. X, X, X, X. Hollywood style, you know what I mean? They got the extra X. God dang. Wow. The quadruple X. And then across the street, you know, they only got three and a half X's and they're real mad about it. The triple X slash. So, and then there's this one guy that actually, this guy actually exists and he was real mad.
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Chapter 3: How does the writing competition with AI work?
We're walking in. And then there's a series of gates here, right? So it's gates to check your badges, to make sure. No red carpet yet. No, it's red. This is all red.
All red. Okay, this is all red. The red starts all red. Got it.
Yep, it's red. So it's all red carpet, right? Everything's red. Like you're filming Iron Lung all over again. Exactly. 100%. You're with it. You got it. Man, you're the greatest host of our generation. Babe. That's the name of the person who wrote that article. She's not here. No, she's not here. She's not here. Yeah. Anyway, funnel back down. Squeeze, you know?
So we squeeze in here, and then the actual red carpet is right over here. Actual... I'm having a stroke.
That says actual.
It does, sure, yeah. Actual... Actual... It was written in this weird font. I couldn't read it. This is where the problem started, right? I was like, oh man. So our journey is now funneling down into here. And there were some nice people working that recognized me and said, hi, that was a lovely get in here. So we break up into three lanes going into the official red carpet.
This is how it's all laid out. Photo. Photo.
Photo.
Poto people. You know, depoto people. Poto people.
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Chapter 4: What unique experiences did Mark have during his Oscars journey?
You know, why not? Yeah, they want to get me to the front. Only YouTube's doing the treat me treatment. You know, I'm really. Anyway, there's another person. Another person is very happy to see me. It's the first person just in a mustache.
around hello and then they're like this way they're pointing oh my god i would not follow that finger jesus christ they must have been real happy to see with a pointer like that so it's this way so at this point we're just like and she's telling us like hey don't worry there's like a photo you'll go to the stairs you can take photos there and up at the top there's a photographer with next to oscar statues which we did get that picture and it looks very good
Go this way, right here to this other person who's right here. Still happy to see me, you know? Go that way. Oh, no. Oh, the pointer finger length was a dead giveaway, Mark. This guy was muscular, by the way. I don't know why that stands out to me, but he's got muscles, right? I just appreciate that they're all bald. I think that it looks like an okay symbol, right? It's okay.
Go this way, right? There was another box here where there were people here, and they were taking pictures and observing, and I thought it was like a secondary photo of people.
mini poto people this is how we missed walking the red carpet legitimately hi hi hi this way and we just by the whole thing and and it literally all of this joins back up right around the corner like right here it funnels all back down uh there's a slight turn here and then it goes up the stairs to lead to the theater where you go in there to the oscars so we were escorted
that way so is this one of those things where they like had like traditional superstar celebs walk outside and because like or people that were nominated outside or we thought that but no all of the all the celebrities they just go
i guess through this door all those fucking losers just go on the normal red carpet yeah so yeah all of the the celebrities all the nominees they went this way and we went There weren't many people walking this way. I was going to say, who all went this way? It's like exclusively Mark. They're like, hmm. I'm not saying anything.
There's no conspiracies here, but this is just... Were these people that were taking good care of you, were they like, oh boy, hey Mark, we're going to take you a real special way, pal.
Be our movie, will ya?
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Chapter 5: What funny moments occurred during the red carpet experience?
I think it's like max capacity is... Actually, I don't even know what it is. Capacity... Isn't the Dolby like a couple thousand at most? It's like a 1,500, 1,800 seater, isn't it? 3,400. So, yeah. We're in the mezzanine. We're the first level above the ground floor. All the celebrities are up in the front, like bottom seats. The good seats. But we had good seats, too.
The majority of the people there are industry people, like producers, directors, the people that work in the post and the production side of it. The crews of those that were nominated, they just put the celebrities up in front. So I was up there. I was actually sat next to Fede and his wife.
I hope I'm pronouncing his name correctly, because ever since I learned his name, I've kind of just whenever I've seen, oh, Fede, how are you? Hey, champ. Hey, man. I have totally misheard someone's name before and then tried to mumble it to get away with it. I've been there where you're like, Christine, Christine. Hey, Chrissy.
Chapter 6: How did the hosts creatively pitch their products in the game?
How are you? Hey, Crayola. Good to see you. Oh, God. I hope you guys never run into Babe from the Cincinnati Acquire. Probably Bebe. It probably is Bebe. Listen, Babe. Well, I mean, you know, I don't think we were mentioned at all. So Bob and I are probably safe. Yeah. That was, the way you look and the way you just, it was like Keanu Reeves was in the room with me again.
I don't know what I have that's giving very Keanu today. I don't even have my long hair anymore. Something with the shirt, man. I don't know. That feels very, very Mr. Reeves. It's an Iron Lung t-shirt. Oh. Well, less so whenever I see the bottom. I guess it was just the really high neck top, maybe? I don't know. That's a cool shirt. Thanks. No one else can ever get it. Can we have one? No. Okay.
It never got made. This is a prototype of an old design that didn't make the cut. So you're wearing garbage. Yes, I'm wearing literal garbage. That's pretty cool. That sounds trendy. Speaking of trendy, no one gets a segue point because none of this is like anything that I'm doing. But I do have a game. So what we're going to do is we're going to do a game and I just call it Buy My Thing.
We can change the name later, of course. But right now, that's the prototype. I don't know if it'll be distributed.
Chapter 7: What insights did the hosts share about their personal lives?
You guys might not be able to wear it, but as of right now, that's the prototype I'm working on. One of you is going to get a prompt, and it's going to be a thing that you're trying to sell to me. You want me to buy your thing.
The next person will spin the wheel, and they're going to try to get me to buy their thing instead, and they get to respond to the first person's sales pitch, you know, whatever, rebut it. And then whoever the first person was will get one more chance to rebut that rebuttal, and then I'll make a choice as to whose thing I'm buying, and that's that round.
Know we're just getting into the game But the last one we did was my dice breakers game where the premise was equally convoluted and I feel like while I was explaining it mark was kind of just like No, no, I got it Bob this guy can't even follow a red carpet man, I It's like, okay, it's like Wheel of Fortune plus Jeopardy in the middle of it. I'll explain to you what I got from that.
And you tell me how close I was. I'm sure you're dead on. You're going to spin a wheel. Yes. Right? And in there are things. And we need to sell that thing. to the opponent? You! You, Wade! And then it's gonna spin again, and the other guy's gonna rebut to the thing that I... They want me to buy their thing instead. Oh! I see. I see. Okay. So if I spin it, let's say it lands on broom.
Mark's trying to sell me a broom, and then Bob spins and gets pizza. He wants me to buy a pizza instead of the broom. I can only buy one thing. Oh, that's an easy one. But then Mark gets one more chance after Bob gets me to try to buy the pizza and be like, no, no, no, listen, you still want the broom. And then I'll decide and we'll go again.
I don't know how good this particular wheel is if I can like remove things after they land on it. I also don't even know how to spin the wheel. So we're going to we're going to figure this out together. Sounds really well planned. No, whoa, whoa, whoa. As per usual from me, it's about as well planned as it ever is. I think it's great. I think it's going to be great. Thanks, man.
I think it sounds really fun. I don't like the way you put it. I'm just saying, I think it sounds great. I'm going to have a great time. This is going to be super fun. I think it's really fun. I don't know if I like that tone at all. The tone doesn't mean anything. Listen to the words. All that matters is the words I'm saying. I don't like the words.
If the listeners have anything to go by, it doesn't matter what our faces say. It doesn't matter what our lips say. It's only the words. I guess tone does come into play for their ears. No, no, listeners can't hear Toad. You see Toad. You see Toad. I have synestonia. Bob your heads, mark your tails. Whoever wins goes first.
heads bob you need to go first on the first prompt all right do you guys want me to spin twice in a row so you both know what you're doing or let me just spin first pitch and spinning it nah keep going we got it that feels like an advantage for the second person i think you spin and then we have to just jump into it all right done All right, first, hey, that actually spun it, cool.
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Chapter 8: What were the final thoughts and reflections on the episode?
That's your pink, fleshy foot. Perfect. And you know what? Walking around your own house in your own pink feet is delightful. Unless you have a cat that leaves... little presents for you on the carpet. I don't know how big Keter's shits are, but we're gonna say this is one specially coagulated shit. And you didn't even step on it, you stepped into it. Your whole toes are now embedded in shit.
Don't you wish you had some magical product to protect you from toes wiggling in that fresh steamy cat shit? Yeah, I really do. Don't you just wish someone had something that could defend you from this scenario happening over and over and over again? Because Keters, as I know, because my dog is very old, Keters is just gonna shit wherever he wants. And he wants to do it a lot.
And he wants to do it everywhere. Well, that's why I'm here to tell you about shoes. I have exactly what you need. It does not matter what you step on, asterisk, as long as you're wearing shoes, it cannot harm you. It cannot make your toes have shit between them. It cannot make you wonder if you have shit underneath your toenails for the rest of your life.
You'll be safe forever from the shit wherever Keters needs to go. He's good. He's covered. You want to take care of your pets. Do you love Keters? Oh, yeah. Then buy some shoes. You don't have to answer because I know you do. It means you need shoes. It means you're going to buy shoes. It means you're going to buy my shoes because I'm selling them right here, right now, and you need them.
That's it. That's my pitch. By the way, if you don't buy shoes, you hate Keters. It's a hell of a pitch. What a hell of a pitch. Too bad he doesn't make the rules, man. I'm ready. All right, Mark, you get to rebut. You're trying to sell me. Uh-huh. Instead of shoes, I need to get... Beans! All right. By the way, some of these props may not be equal to the others. Beans! Me and the boys at 3 a.m.
looking for some beans. Hey, don't sell it for me. Oh, yeah, sorry. Wait, I'm doing your job. Yeah, yeah. All right. Well, anyway, since we're here, you know, I might as well... I want you to look at this man. This hungry, hungry man yearning for success, yearning for his prodigal son, his favorite YouTuber to ever amount to anything, amount to a whole hill of beans, right?
That has nothing to do with the rest of what I'm selling, but that's pretty good, right? I made that up. Fantastic. Not bad. Anyway, this man starving. Imagine this, again... The thing with the dust. What the fuck is it called? Vacuum? No, with the time and the depression. The Dust Bowl? The Great Depression? The Dust Bowl?
Yeah. The Dust Bowl. The thing with the dust.
The vacuum or the Dust Bowl?
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