Chapter 1: What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
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Intelligence data, second half 2025. All rights reserved.
Good evening, gentle listeners or watchers, and welcome to Distractible. this episode. Wastrel Wade aches for the antiquated, nibbles his digits, and asks for assistance. Bifurcating Bob returns from the House of Mouse, identifies crimes, administers assassination deterrents, lobotomies, and engorged genu.
Mucusy Mark the Mic Master snars caffeine, offers dental deletion, and Brazilian bald cures. From sarcastic Satanism to traffic trebuchets, Yes, it's time for I'm a Doctor. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show. Hello, everyone. Welcome back to another episode of Distractible. I'm today's host, Wade, because I won whatever we did last time, apparently.
Joining me as always is one of my co-hosts, Mark and Bob. That's me. I'm one of those. I'm the other one. You'll never figure out which is which. We sound the same. Exactly the same. Exactly the same. What a great bit.
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Chapter 2: How does the show introduce the concept of distractions?
Come on, man. What the hell? What the hell? Sorry, that's not sarcastic. I meant it genuinely. It's going to be one of those episodes. We haven't even told you your episode idea was stupid and then decided not to engage with it yet. Wait till we're mean first. Oh, man. Wait till you guys find out how weird today's episode is. It's weird seven weird.
Well, let's skip weird six, I guess.
Six is a bad number. Fuck weird six. Yeah, yeah. I've always thought. Come on, guys. what you're you're a seven guy i am seven is your number yeah but six is like satan and stuff you know hail satan that's what we say right here we say that all the time two out of three of us love that it's my favorite vocal warm-up well get on the call and just go hail satan And there it is. All right, go.
We got Mark in a voice clip saying it to it. Feel better. All that was just set up just to get Mark's clip. I really needed that one.
Sorry if I'm snotting. I just getting over a pretty bad sickness. So I apologize if I'm sniffling through the episode.
You got a mossy lung. If you've never joined before, it's a show where one of us hosts has to compete for points. Whoever has the most at the end wins and goes next episode. As per usual, we smart... We smart... We smart with start... Oh, editors, cut that out. Try again, buddy. Make my lips look right. We start with smart talk. No! Yes! Smart! Why smart talk?
I don't know if I'm up to smart talk today. Oh, God, yeah. Feeling pretty dumb. Per usual, we start with small talk. Nailed it. First try. Anything new in your lives, please talk so I don't have to. I got plenty. I got plenty. New microphone.
Every era of my channel is defined by my microphone. Which is this? I think it's something something 8,000.
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Chapter 3: What unique inventions are proposed to solve everyday problems?
I miss PG-42, Mark. I gotta be honest. Oh, you remember even the name of the... Dude, I still use the PG-42 that you got me. It's fucking great.
It's a great microphone. It was a great microphone. Way big step up, and then they discontinued it for some reason.
I can't imagine why. That's a fantastic microphone.
Anyway, this one is concerning because it sounds good. I think I like it, but it's got a heat sink in the back. You can't really tell... So this is a heat sink. A heat sink? And I've never known my past microphones to have a heating problem. Like, they've never felt warm or anything.
This feels hot. Why is it hot? I don't know. Maybe it's meant for lewd content so it knows that things might get a little spicy. Halfway through this episode, just like... But it sounds great, guys. I feel like I gotta keep using it. Uh, I'm clearly not in the bowling alley house anymore. So that's good. That's good. James had a hell of a time in Disney.
He very much enjoyed Disney, but that much traveling has been, was hard on him. And, uh, is it funny that I feel kind of guilty? Cause I feel like he had a really fun day in Disney and we also did universal and he rode the Yoshi ride and he really liked that in the super Mario and the rest of the trip. He had fun. There was a pool at the house. So we say that very cool. He loves pool.
But now like we're home now and he's just like, Oh, I hate everything. Where's Disney? And we're like, no, it's regular life again, buddy. Like we're this we're back at the house we live in. This is everyday life. Remember, I feel kind of bad because I feel like we we stayed in a house down in Orlando and he was like, all right, this is life. Now we go to Disney twice a week.
I swim in the pool every other day of the week. All my grandparents are always around. We eat naughty food. We watch as much TV as we want and we swim in the pool and go to Disney. All right. And then we come back home and it's like, you guys fucking suck. Why would you show me that life? Sorry, man. I don't know. I thought you'd have fun. It's my bad, I guess. Is that why we're all so tired?
Even as adults, we come back from vacation. We're like, oh, why did you show me that life? Why are we back to this? Not Mark. Mark's better than us. But the rest of us. I've known sadness. I've known despair. You like hard work, though. Yeah, that's true. I do. I'm not, like, making the masochist joke. You actually just really like... I mean, the movie was a lot. And it was a long time.
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Chapter 4: How do the hosts compare their inventions?
I have to work 14-hour days for the next week. I have to do it.
I have not known what to do with myself. The past few weeks have been so strange. I've started watching an anime. That's how bored I am. Man, normal people don't do that. That's weird. I know, right? I mean, I just think about it. I haven't watched an anime in many, many years. I mean, I think the last one I even watched was probably... Is this a hint?
Are you scoping out the competition for your next project? Working on my animation skills right now, man. I'm going to show that anime industry who's boss. The next Toriyama is Markiplier? He is dead, so I could be him. Oh.
I apologize. I apologize. Yeah, but also I was sick this weekend, so this is going to sound like the most middle-aged, middle-of-the-road, like 40-year-old stand-up comedian joke bit.
in the world but here i go i i usually i was sick over the weekend so i didn't have any caffeine or anything i was just kind of on the couch you know just like draining in that i was like oh this is a great opportunity you might notice like i've got like my caffeine free soda here i did because it's really hard to get in ohio and i'm kind of jealous but
So I was like, oh, this will be the perfect day to start back.
I've already gone through the headaches and whatnot because I didn't even notice it. I was sick. So I take Chica out to the park in the morning. So I was like, I'm going to stop by McDonald's. I'll grab a decaf coffee and I'm It'll be great. So I order decaf. It says decaf on the menu. I think you know where this is going. I normally never finish my coffees.
I usually just take like a third of it, and that's all I'll drink, especially if it's like a giant one from a drive-thru or something. I'm out walking to you. I'm like, ah, you know, this is decaf.
I'll drink the whole damn thing. So we're walking. I'm like, oh, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug. Yay. Oh, what a fun day.
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Chapter 5: What humorous anecdotes are shared about personal experiences?
Might as well. In for a penny. In for the other penny. Yeah, what does that saying mean? I guess it's English. But a penny isn't English. A penny is American, but a pound isn't English. You know, like... No, a penny's still in English. Is it? I thought they had pence. Are those called pennies?
It sounds like it could be another term for penny, and if it was a pen, so the penny, and maybe, I don't know. I guess in for a penny, in for a dollar sounds kind of stupid, so I'm not opposed to it. And they phased out the penny anyway. In for a nickel, in for a dollar. In for a checkbook. Those are hip now, right? Checkbooks? Why are you saying it like that? Checkbooks. Checkbooks.
You're like adding some syllables in there. Multiple checkbooks. Checkabookas. I don't know. It's just fun to say checkbook like that. I don't know. Anyway, it wouldn't surprise me if those were popular again, just because everyone's like, oh, I want the analog media. I want records and checkbooks. I know that I'm older because I prefer checks to all of the other like money apps you can have.
Everyone's like, oh, just send it via like whatever. I'm like, can I just mail you a check? Doesn't that sketch you out? Every time I've ever put a check of any sort in the mail, I'm like, well, I'm either giving someone this money or it's going to get where I hope it does. I guess we'll find out when the check cashes or whatever. Isn't it weird? I feel that way more so about technology.
It's like, yep, here's all my banking info transferred along this digital highway. I am sketched out because it's like you need the exact username or you need their correct phone number or something. But as long as you're like, all right, I've checked five times. This is your phone number. I know the money went to you because it went to the only phone number in the world that is yours.
That is this one. Even if I give a check directly to a person, if that's not the person who's the money is supposed to go to, it's like this. They work for the company or something. What if they take it? It's just a check. I don't even have proof that I did that.
What if someone hops on like their their digital speedster and they're on the digital highway and they hijack the digital package I'm sending digitally? I see what you're saying. I mean, that all is stuff that happens. Yeah. What if that scene from Fast and Furious where they hijack the semi truck full of five thousand dollars worth of VCRs in their thirty thousand dollars worth of cars happens?
But online, I see what you're saying. Yes, like Inception and Fast and the Furious had a baby. Yep, yep. In the internet line. Sure, sure. I don't know. I understand it's probably nonsensical, but I still am like, checks are so much safer than this online app. Who is Mr. Venmo anyway? For some reason, I think mailing money is a crime. I don't think a check is. I think mailing cash is.
Is mailing cash a crime? It's not a crime in itself, but it could be because when you're putting things through the mail system, mail fraud is always a possibility, right? That is a crime. And if you're sending money through the mail, it could be fraud. Could be fraudy. Am I frauding if I put money in the mail? If you don't mean it.
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Chapter 6: How do the hosts react to their inventions' effectiveness?
If the wheels have had anything to say about it lately, we have no idea what the hell is about to happen. And we even have that today. Oh, shit. That's right. Did you remember to write down?
Let's not worry about that.
Add. Okay. I was supposed to add a point in free parking today. Yes. Yes. Otherwise, no, I didn't remember anything else. The one man show had some adjustments. Oh, that's right. We added 10% and then there. Oh man. My notepad that had it is gone. It was a 10 and then just the normal two, I think. Right. So 12%. Yeah. Yeah. So it was at six. So it's going to be at 18 now. Damn. That's a jump.
Well, for today's episode, I think this harkens back to old distractible. This feels like an episode we would have done a long time ago. We might have talked about something similar to this. I guess I'll leave it up to you guys if you want to do it work together or against each other. But we need inventions that don't exist yet to solve some more of our everyday problems.
I got problems, and I need you boys to fix them up. Clearly. So do you guys want to work together, or do you guys want to work against each other and come up with better inventions? This is a capitalist venture. Definitely competitive. I concur. Okay, good. Aren't you guys not allowed to agree on this thing?
I curcun. I invented it. I don't like that.
A new way to agree. I don't know if I like curcun either. Come on. That's like a Star Trek villain. It's curcun. I'm going to quit saying that. I feel like. Yeah. Say it harder and see if it sounds better. No, I'm good. Stress the syllables more. Checkbook. Why are you saying it like that?
Problem I've had, and I've been a lot better about it lately, but it's still something I battle with, especially whenever I'm not paying attention. If I'm watching a movie or something, I'm completely zoned out. I will find myself nails in mouth chomping. I'm a nail biter, and I've always been a nail biter, and I've never been able to stop biting my nails.
So I guess we'll see who goes first here. Mark Heads, Bob Tails, because that's the order you're going to camera-wise for me. Bob, you will go first. Good. Fair. I need some invention to help me stop biting my nails. And there's already like a nasty tasting polish out. And obviously gloves already exist, but I'm not going to wear gloves around the house.
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Chapter 7: What philosophical questions arise during the discussion?
But basic Gungary service will cure you of what ails you if what ails you is biting your nails. I imagine instead of like a pop-up window, just occasionally whenever like the exact time hits, he'll just like interrupt his own sentence or whatever you're doing to be like, your subscription is about to expire. Would you like to renew? I don't like that.
I don't like the real life version of how that sounds, but sounds effective. I think it would be very effective. Okay. Gun Gary with upgrades and subscriptions. Uh, Mark, can you top Gun Gary? Hey kids.
Have you ever wanted to be a spy, to go out on missions, to get captured unexpectedly, and have to take the ultimate sacrifice for your country? Well, now you can, and also you'll stop biting your nails.
Hi, I'm Mark Blyer, inventor of Tooth Spy. Huh? Patent pending on the name. Pending means it's waiting judgment, right? Yes. Yeah, yeah. Sure. You know how when a spy is captured, they have a certain tooth in their mouth that is actually a secret cyanide capsule.
Well, I've developed a certain fake tooth that only responds to the keratin on your fingernail or keratin in general or carrots, weirdly enough. Don't know why. Don't eat carrots.
But when you have this, you will be so afraid of biting your nails because you don't know which tooth is the secret tooth. It's also like alligator dentists.
you know you know the game where you got to push the teeth down or else it comps down on you but instead of chomping down on you it's a bunch of cyanide explodes in your face I think that's how cyanide works. That's how this cyanide works that we found.
That's how it works in James Bond, so I assume that's how it works. Really melts faces. Why was there never a FNAF adaptation to Alligator Dentist? Yeah, they had an alligator. Monty Golf. Monty. Mont. They had Monty. I don't mean like an alligator in FNAF. I mean, why didn't they make the dentist game with a FNAF character? Why didn't they remake that one toy in FNAF?
Not even in the game, just an actual toy. You know, you're so right. That would fit. Anyway, sorry, I was just thinking capitalistically. You should probably pen to patent on that.
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Chapter 8: How does the episode conclude with reflections on the topics discussed?
Then start laughing again.
Wait, so is what you saw a parody of this Christian remake of the Saw movie? So all I saw was the thumbnail, like his video was recommended on YouTube. It popped up and it said Saul and there's an arrow pointing to reconcile it. So this Christian knockoffs of Saul is God awful. And I just had the thought, do you want to pray a game? And that's that's it. That's it. That's the end of the story.
Didn't watch the video. Didn't see the movie. Don't know who this guy is. Don't know anything. But man, that thought I had made me laugh for a long time because it's still really funny to me.
Not funny enough to help you me win. I see.
Maybe. Did you make me think of it? Yeah, wasn't it the buy one, kill one? Oh, you know what? Yeah. Okay, here we go. I got it figured out.
I understand. This is why I hedged my bets on the small talk.
Gonna burst into more small talk later in the episode. Get some more small talk points. You said he was holding out. We'll see how it goes. Mark, you're first on this one. I need you to help me, man. It turns out I'm bald. What? No.
No.
And I need a way of feeling better about being bald, whether it's fixing the baldness or whatever other solution you might have, killing everyone on the planet with hair, whatever you think of. I need killing everyone on the planet.
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