Chapter 1: What achievement does Dana celebrate for David in this episode?
So I do my set, crush, kill, other people's words, levitate the room.
I heard it, I saw it, it trended. Bill Burr texted me.
Look at me. Well, the thing about me that's interesting.
Looks cool.
Well, the thing about me that's neat. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Hi, did you guys see my S-Fire interview yet?
Guess what? And by the way... It's the fact of the matter, don't you know you gotta go.
No joke, a joke, joke. I've been to Magic Mountain. Let me tell you something. Off the record, more mountain than magic, and it's not even close.
All right, before we get started on this very special episode, seriously, we do have some breaking news on a gentleman who claims to know where Jeffrey Epstein is at this time. And it's kind of shocking, and we're going to get to it in a second.
That sounds pretty serious.
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Chapter 2: What breaking news story is discussed about Jeffrey Epstein?
So I want my hair to represent. If it's super combed, it feels like it doesn't represent what's going on inside my brain.
Oh, I get it. Yeah, I agree with you. I like people that have their hair a little messy.
Plus, when I was 10 years old, I'd see the Beatles during the hard days, night, or whatever, and they always had deconstructed hair. They never had severe parts. And look at my hair. So those are the two things I got.
Sometimes they had those bangs at the beginning that were pretty...
That was kind of revolutionary in a way to do the bowl cut, the bangs forward. I know it's so weird, right?
I know, but now I do it all the time. You've got your look down. No, I like my hair today because we did it yesterday. I did an interview for Esquire. When is that coming out, Heather? I don't know. I don't know what you're going to learn. You learned most of it here.
Are you making a move? I mean, I hear.
Am I making money moves?
Well, are you just making a move in the ladder of show business? Are you making moves?
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Chapter 3: What humorous impressions does the special guest perform?
Are you shaking the tree? I mean, what's this Esquire magazine profile?
It was actually good. This is the editor of Esquire. He sat down. He knew he read my book. He saw the last special and he's like, let's get into it. But it got a little deeper than normal.
Well, what would be the byline? What's going to be the thing? David Spade, what is it going to be, you think?
I mean, I'm sort of an open book anyway. We know all my dumb stories. So he did dig into the dad a little bit. What I've learned. Oh, the whole thing is called What I've Learned. So I don't know. I didn't know that ahead of time because I didn't tell anything.
Oh, that's kind of, yeah, a little more profound or something.
Yeah.
Yeah.
He did ask me what would I have.
tell your young what's the first line of my obituary i don't like death stuff like that but i uh well merv griffins was the greatest the talk show host from the 70s i won't be right back that's on his tombstone i know that because he always says we'll be right back exactly yeah he asked me what i would tell my twerpy self oh go back in time Sounds kind of interesting.
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Chapter 4: What are the worst stadium names mentioned in the episode?
It just follows you and they don't realize at the time, don't be saying everything on your mind at all times. Don't be filming it. Don't be...
Just keep a little mystery about yourself.
Yes, it's good to have a little, not everyone needs to know every god dang thing about you.
God dang it. Yeah, dab nabbit, I agree.
I hate to sound, I hate to use those words.
I hate to sound like a TV cowboy from 1958. God dang it.
God dang it, come on now, Duke.
Dagnabbit is a good one.
Dagnabbit. Yeah, that's Bugs Bunny, I think.
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Chapter 5: What nightmare carnival rides are discussed?
Oh, oh, oh, no.
Oh, stop the riff is here. What? Look at me. Well, the thing about me that's interesting.
Looks cool.
Well, the thing about me that's neat, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Well, the fact is black and white. Now, did they buy you the clothes or were those your own clothes that happened to be?
It was my clothes. It looks like a T-neck. It is not.
Oh, it's not a mock T-neck, obviously. But what's the real color of that sweater?
Blue, of course.
Oh.
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Chapter 6: What are the dangers associated with live streaming?
I'm here now. And I go, oh.
I've got to get out of here. What are you talking about? An encore?
I know. I made my own encore.
Oh, my goodness. Why are we standing? Please.
I know. It wasn't really an encore but I had to keep going. So then I went to leave and I walked around and I have to cut through the side of the crowd and this pudgy fat guy had his table stuck out too far. Isn't that redundant?
There's a type of fat guy.
Okay.
this sort of overweight fact yeah I gotcha and so I'm walking straight down to the exit it's along the edge but you don't want to steal from the show you know so I go down and his he's like this whoa and he's got his table these little square tables and it's pitch black you know the comedy store black tables black room you can't say I know it's weird and I'm hustling through and I crack in full sprint my knee into a table
and that wasn't the biggest pain it spun me around and snapped my neck and everyone goes whoa like it was so painful was that hard and i was the audience oh my god my neck and then i was like couldn't care less about my legs because they're tough as but the neck was like oh fragile glass i'd like to see you hit and then do a full 360. on the comedy store floor and then the guy was like hey buddy
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Chapter 7: How do Dana and David feel about the impact of technology on personal privacy?
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Yeah, you guys should actually, everybody here, check out Wayfair. Go to their site because I've been looking around, and it's really good stuff. I know I sound like I'm doing a different pitch, but it's not that expensive, but it's really cool. I'm looking at sort of a chaise lounge or a little couch.
Bedding and bath basics, bedding, mattresses, and for you, David, towels, because I know you have one of those like you have in a public restroom, an air dryer, you don't have towels.
Also, I put my hair in a towel like this and I walk around the house like I'm in a 60s movie like Doris Day.
I did that in Opportunity Knox.
Everything was in Opportunity Knox.
Everything was in. So, yeah, you can get stuff for your kids' room, you know, get them on track this year.
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Chapter 8: What funny stories do Dana and David share about their experiences?
Oh, here he's coming in sort of a back way.
This guy knows something about Epstein? Yeah. Oh, boy. Okay.
Hello. Hello, everybody. I'm so glad to be on your show. well uh hi what um so you you claim to know something about where jeffrey epstein was does anyone does he look like jeffrey epstein no he looks a little bit like it feels like it's jeffrey epstein with a mustache or something ridiculous Jeffrey Epstein does not have a mustache last I checked, idiot. You fucking moron.
Oh, that's a little harsh. I'm the host.
Come on. Hey, come on. What is your name? What is your name?
Yeah, what's your name?
Steve. Steve. So why should we listen to you? Why would you have any idea where Jeffrey Epstein is? Uh, I don't know. You have any money on you? Oh, boy.
You want money? Well, I thought he had so much for you.
I want some money. Wait a minute. Who is this? David Spade. Yeah. I heard about the Esquire cover. You look great.
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