Fly on the Wall with Dana Carvey and David Spade
State of Boring News, Epstein Files & Hotel Laundry Secrets
02 Mar 2026
Chapter 1: What humorous arguments do Dana and David have about each other?
they cut out the part where she goes am i talking to the turtle the consciousness of life and what beauty of love and spank me with a spoon you but anyway consciousness so we just come out as joe dirt and garth and take questions take questions as them Yeah, make the crowd happy. And, of course, my Bohemian Rhapsody. Whoops. Oh, boy.
How did we get to this? Sorry.
Wayne's World. Oh, my God.
How did I forget? Whoops. Sorry. I apologize. Oh, my mommy.
Don't be nervous. We have ads to read, but don't be a motor mouth. We've got ads to read later. You know what, Dane? I was asking some people. I go, if you had one word to describe Dana Carvey, and they were like, motor mouth.
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Chapter 2: What fitness tips do they share for staying active?
I stole your burn and used it against you. One word to describe me probably is what or why. One word to describe you is confusing. Yeah, one word to describe you is silver entrails by the neck. That's kind of long.
Is that me?
No, that's because the light hits it. Look, I comb my hair, but I pushed it. I love that we talk about hair and everyone just can't stand it, but I can't stand not doing it. Well, we could talk about my abs if they want. I mean, whatever they want. I mean, if we have to talk about, does anyone need some laundry done? Because we'll do them. Hey, I have a tip. I have a fitness tip for everybody.
Okay, please. When you go to the gym twice a week and then you just sit around in between, there is something to signaling your muscles. I'm just saying to people, if you can do two pushups every hour, just two. I'm like two total in the week. No, but then you get an hour rest, you do two more. It's a signal to your muscles if you want to go out there. My muscles are like this.
My muscles are jealous of your muscles.
Why can't you be buff like him?
I have no muscles. You know, I look like a bit of a pipsqueak, but I'm more of a fucking puss. How important is that? Just a quick question. Yeah. Because I was in this with someone.
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Chapter 3: How do Bill Gates and Deepak Chopra respond to the Epstein Files?
How much do women like not like really big muscles on a man? I think Heather's giving a thumbs down. I think what she's going to say, and I'm guessing. is too big of muscles are kind of pointless. And from all the data I've gotten, it's too much time at the gym is too egotistical. Like work on other parts of your life. Don't just be gym rat.
There's a word that my wife and I use that we're not fit, but we're fit-ish. No, you're both. I've seen Paul my whole life. She's always in great shape. Whoops. Listen, Paul is gorgeous. People need to know. And she's a sweetheart. You're a sweetheart. I like when people say beauty and the beast. I'm like, you can't say that. Beauty and the Beast. Am I the Beast or the Beauty?
No, you're the Beast, but you're not bad. But when I used to date anyone that was over a three, people would be like, what is it, dude?
How did he land that?
I'm like, I'm fun at parties. I'm fun. There's about a two-hour window at night when I'm fun. Usually at dinner and then fucking... Well, you're like me, which is kind of lucky. Hey, want to have dinner? What time?
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Chapter 4: What are the latest hot takes on dating strategies?
3.30? Yeah, they serve. You're the only one in the world that beats me to dinner.
I know. I don't get the idea.
If I want to get me a big cheese pizza at 10.05 and get in bed and pull the covers up at 10.22, I don't get it. Come on, count me out. I don't like to go to sleep. That's Miami, they go, we'll go to dinner at like 11, we'll start. I'm like, literally not one person has a job. They're just all doing bumps and taking Instagram pictures. Okay, I got a few hot takes. Getting right to my week.
All right, I got a few too, but I want to hear yours first. Mine are more boring, so I got to go first. Yours are usually better. Okay, I will say, because I was on the road, by the time I do this, I'll be going to Casinorama in Toronto and also Oceans.
Is that near Niagara Falls?
Casino-rama, Toronto, Toronto's worked on three movies, and Toronto's the most requested city, but the Canada tax thing, it does nothing to do with the people, Canada's great audience. Nothing to do with the people, just the government, the government.
They really put that, it's like the reason why we don't shoot movies in America, they always go, it's tax here, if we go there, different, when you do stand-up, it's tax. Anyway, I get taxed twice, so, but I'm still going because I wanna go see the Toronto people. It's a little on the outskirts. Toronto people are nice.
My experience being in Toronto, but I would say that Canada just chased me for 15 years. I did a movie there Trapped in Paradise with Nicolas Cage and John Lovitz. Christmas classic, maybe. But then they would call me at home. Hey, you owe some Texas, right? Same thing with New York. You owe some Texas. You owe some Texas. What's that, a boot? You're not paying them? Same thing with New York.
New York would call me at home after I moved out of New York and harass me. So finally, in my passive-aggressive way, it's like this New York IRS, and we understand we've got news clippings here, and it seems like they saw me on Letterman. Seems like you live in New York. And I just started going, well, how do I know you are you? Yeah, you're AI.
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Chapter 5: How can you wash your underwear using a hotel coffee maker?
You're just a voice on the phone. How do I know? And they were like, no one ever said that. Well, what do you mean? Once they realize you got a few beans in your genes, they come looking for it. When I was in Toronto. Yeah, you got a few squashes in your moshes.
I mean, just because it rhymes. You can't associate Levi's with beans.
I stole that from my brother, Andy. He says that it's so funny. Heather, turn that one down. I realize I squint on this eye like Tom Cruise. I don't know why. I don't want to be like that. He kind of has one eye that's always kind of closed. Have you noticed that? Pull it up, Jamie. No, that's a joke. In your dreams, Jamie. But what about this, Dana?
Barbarians is a place we used to go eat because Rob Lowe, he tells a joke where Farley would cut it like a two by two inch piece of steak.
That's right.
And then he'd peel the butter pat back and put that on one piece of steak and then eat the whole thing, every bite. Fantastic. And then he goes, it needs a hat. And then you can't argue with that. But then Rachel McAdams was talking about, I think The Notebook was filmed up there. And she's like, we used to go to this place called Barbarians. I was like, oh my God. Oh my God.
I have talked about that. We have so much to talk about. And I used the butter, the pat butter and the little thing as a hat. I will tell you, I went to The Notebook. Premiere. Oh, I told you that's a premiere horror in the past. I didn't. I went to see James Garner at the party after just to say, you know, good job, like I saw it. Jimmy Garner, the James Garner?
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Chapter 6: What is the controversy surrounding the hotel laundry advice?
Yeah, he's my boy. Damn. I was doing a show with him. Oh, I love that guy. He was a great guy. What a stud. They're redoing Rockford Files, and I'm like, I don't know. With who? I know it's really hard. No, he was amazing. And it's with me, and I'm still critical. Hey, you got a lot of trending for your Burgess Meredith impression. And I realized the key was to say, instead of murder, say moida.
He always goes, he's going to hoit your poiment and rock this time. Poiment it, and you guys have to... That guy was a brilliant movie star. He did of mice and men. And then his career mic drop though was, uh, whatever the character's name was. I like, Oh, what do you pay the penguin? Oh my God, yes, you're right. He played the ping one on the Batman series in 1968.
Thanks for tuning in, boomers. Yeah, Rocky didn't have a good team about him because his team was Burgess Meredith saying, he's going to hate you, boy, minute. And then his wife going, you can't win. I'm like, God damn, I need a better crew. They cut the scene where he kind of confesses to his girlfriend in the couch. He goes, hey, my strategy is to take about 55 punches to my face, right?
And I'll be so beat up, he'll get tired, he'll get punched out. Because no one ever got hit in their face more than Rocky, and Rocky won. And he's like, it's red! They cut out the part where she goes, am I talking to the turtle? Am I talking to Butkus? Well, that's where I got the idea for the turtle guy. Oh, yeah. Because of Butkus. Okay, here's a quick story.
I was on the road, San Antonio, great crowd, bat in the theater. So I'm backstage with Bobby and Patrick and the fucking... I go, I'm about to go on. I go, is that a bird in here?
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Chapter 7: How do societal views on body image come into play in dating?
They go, I think there's a bird in here. It lands, it's a full bat. A vampire bat. So I says to the people, I says to them, I says to them, I says, first of all, I go, it's gonna fly out during the show and I gotta talk. I don't wanna say anything. I don't wanna take anything away from my precious act.
But I get out there and within seconds, bat follows me, Heather, and comes swooping on the crowd. And I said, guys, is that a bat? And they all go, yes. They all yell. And then they laugh and I go, so you know about bats in here and you're not scared? Because I just got a rabies shot coincidentally this afternoon. And they said, yeah, they didn't care at all.
And I go, we were going to say we should cancel the show. They're like, nobody cares about the bat. Oh, we used to have them. We'd have them in Montana. What town was this in again? San Antonio. Oh, yeah. About dusk, right as early evening, just a thousand bats would go and circle around the lake. Oh, they do that in Austin too, I've heard.
Yeah.
There's a cave, but I don't love them. Bats are not cute. If you see them up close, hanging upside down. Yeah. I'm doing it. Okay, here's another. That's a good noise, actually. I don't even know what bats sound like. I've never heard them make too much noise. They do make noise. Kind of gross looking. They're rats with wings, so two things in a line. Oh, so I'm going through TSA.
I ate at the Whataburger, I think in Dallas, on the way to, God, Whataburger really nails it. If you're white trash, it's fucking. Oh, is that a nationwide chain? I think it's mostly Arizona, Texas.
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Chapter 8: What are the implications of the recent State of the Union address?
You know what?
I think I had one. I was driving to Phoenix for some gig and I think I had one outskirts and it was incredible. I'll co-sign it. It's not a sponsor. We're just saying this. It'll be a sponsor next week. I remember when I was with you and you picked your nose and you go, what a booger. I remember when you saw me pick my nose and said, aren't you going to share? I learned how to share in school.
Give me some of that bug. One time you said, I think I'm hot shit on a silver platter and I said, no, you're cold boogers on a paper plate. Do you rehearse this stuff with Heather before you go? Heather goes, fourth grade. That's what I used to rifle off in fourth grade. I'd say second grade. She's being generous. Yeah, that is generous. Oh, here's my line in Dallas.
I say, I see a lot of hot girls out there from Big D. And then they applaud and I go, and a couple rough ones from Mesquite. Well, anything this is funny, probably got a big laugh. It sounds mean, but it was. You probably got a big, big laugh.
Mm-hmm.
Okay, here's the last thing I'll say about the tour. I go to TSA, and we hire a greeter, because I've never been to this airport, and they kind of whisk you through. There was no whisking. Everything took longer. And then we get to the TSA line. I go, this is pretty long. She goes, I don't know. Isn't it supposed to be shorter? She literally knows not one thing.
And then we get up to the buckets, and she goes, do I got to take off my shoes? I'm like, We hired you for information. I said, I don't think so. I was nice. I go, it's TSA. So we get up there and they always pull one of my bags out and they rifle through it. and you have to wait. Honestly, it was probably 15 minutes, we're like . And do they find it, what you're trying to smuggle on?
I go, I know what it is. It's always like some food thing I bring that looks like, but they told us how to do it. By the way, can we just get rid of TSA? It's fine. You know what I mean? We're fine now. The rigmarole we go through to just, listen, if a few planes fall out, no, I'm kidding. If people voted, they said, what are the chances? Anyway, I get there and she goes, this yours?
Just like I used to talk about my act. Full knife, Heather. Full knife. And I'm like, holy shit. What?
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