Football Ramble

The Goodison Chainsaw Massacre

02 Sep 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Everything looked so good for Everton but like all good horror films, it all went wrong in the end. Today, Marcus, Luke, Jim and Pete show a degree of...

Mailbag: What’s the toughest job in world football?

31 Aug 2024

Contributed by Lukas

With the transfer window shut Marcus, Jim and Andy dream up some transfers from football history they wish they could’ve forced through. Jim’s pac...

The Preview Show: Who ate all the sausages?

30 Aug 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Today, Pete and Andy have a Freaky Friday body swap, which means Pete tells Marcus and Jim about some Turkish transfer news and Andy tells us about a ...

Ramble Uncut: Gym Campbell

29 Aug 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Today, we're bringing you a special teaser of what you can expect every week on the Football Ramble Patreon.For just $5 a month, you'll get an extende...

An ice bucket of Carabao

28 Aug 2024

Contributed by Lukas

What a time to be alive, it’s the Carabao Cup second round! Like all of last night’s fixtures, Marcus, Jim and Luke start today’s show by contin...

Farewell, Sven

27 Aug 2024

Contributed by Lukas

We kick off today’s raving Ramble with the most important question to emerge from the opening rounds of the Premier League: is Lars Sivertsen’s Da...

I’d rather be in Wolverhampton

26 Aug 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Who predicted Chelsea vs Wolves would be the barn barner of the weekend? Marcus, Andy, Vish and Pete revel in what turned out to be a very enjoyable t...

Mailbag: How do we control rising ticket prices?

24 Aug 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Only one of the 17 surviving Premier League clubs from last season hasn’t increased their ticket prices – and some of those clubs have hiked price...

The Preview Show: Cirque du Manchester

23 Aug 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Roll up, roll up, the Man United Circus is coming to town! Grab your trapeze and juggling balls, Marcus, Luke and Andy are here to preview the weekend...

Sorry lads, it’s too close to North Korea

22 Aug 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Marcus, Luke and Pete check in with the transfer merry-go-round as players are flung off it left and right. Various Crystal Palace defenders head for ...

Strikers are lava

21 Aug 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Lars is on the pod! Lars is on the pod! Just like João Félix at Chelsea Lars Sivertsen has returned and he joins Marcus and Pete on today’s Ramble...

Ramble Reacts: Don’t stop the party

19 Aug 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Jamie Vardy, oh how we have missed you! On this edition of Ramble Reacts, Marcus and Luke gush over an absolutely vintage display from Vardy, featurin...

Big Daddy Premier League

19 Aug 2024

Contributed by Lukas

It’s the first weekend and we’ve already had a referee apology, a broken VAR monitor and a dubious headbutt. Oh, how we've missed you, Big Daddy P...

Mailbag: Will we see a truly competitive Premier League this season?

17 Aug 2024

Contributed by Lukas

The new season's underway, so it's time to tackle some more questions about our dear old Barclays!Marcus, Luke and Vish wonder if the abundance of est...

The Preview Show: Guys, can anyone help Erik?

16 Aug 2024

Contributed by Lukas

The Barclays is BACK! Pete, Vish and Luke welcome the return of our favourite ostentatious marketing exercise by deciding who will celebrate a goal th...

Our 2024/25 Premier League predictions!

15 Aug 2024

Contributed by Lukas

That’s right, we’re mixing it up this year. Instead of only revealing our embarrassing predictions at the end of the Premier League like usual, we...

Come home, Garth

14 Aug 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Today is the final episode of the Football Ramble. Sadly, Zlatan Ibrahimovic has overhead kicked us into court.Pete, Luke and Vish provide your midwee...

A taste of Football Ramble LIVE!

13 Aug 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Wondering what our live show at the London Palladium in September will be like? Well, here’s a sneak preview of what to expect! Back in 2019, we too...

A proper Portsmouth weekend

12 Aug 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Managers dodging handshakes, penalties getting skied over bars, blokes wearing shirts with very specific messages for pedos, and Pete making inappropr...

Mailbag: Who are the most impactful signings in football history?

10 Aug 2024

Contributed by Lukas

The transfer window has been prettyyyy quiet – which has got one listener thinking: when was the last time a good old marquee signing really transfo...

The Community Chest

09 Aug 2024

Contributed by Lukas

The world’s biggest super friendly – aka the Community Shield – is here and Kevin De Bruyne has grown a man bun to celebrate the occasion. Marcu...

On The Continent: The new Antoine Griezmann?

08 Aug 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Have you been wondering how on earth Atlético Madrid can afford Julián Álvarez? Then you're in the right place. Today on our sister show On The Con...

Speller and Emile Smith Rowe

07 Aug 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Julián Álvarez looks set to leave Man City for 81.5 million big ones! He’ll be gutted to leave Man City without winning the Carabao though.Marcus ...

The Barm vs Bap Derby

05 Aug 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Olympic football has reached the semi-final stages! But never mind that, have you been watching the swimming and the shooting?Today, Pete, Jim, Andy a...

Football Ramble Mailbag Best of 23/24

03 Aug 2024

Contributed by Lukas

We’ve answered more than 100 of your questions since kicking off the Mailbag last season. Today, we’re sharing some of our favourites! From the mo...

Zlatan “Jason Tindall” Ibrahimović

02 Aug 2024

Contributed by Lukas

The Premier League season is fast approaching and Luke, Jim, Vish and Andy have worked out how Arsenal can finally get to Man City and win the league…...

Introducing: Ramble Uncut

01 Aug 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Today, we're bringing you a special teaser of what you can expect every week on the Football Ramble Patreon.For just $5 a month, you'll get an extende...

Brucey Shot the Sheriff

31 Jul 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Bad news, everyone: the Amazon seller who sold Pete a durian for us to try today had to cancel the order due to “supply chain issues.” More news a...

I’m bringing a durian

29 Jul 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Need some good old-fashioned espionage sorting out, but don’t have access to a drone or a two-way mirror? Pete Donaldson is now available for hire!H...

Football Ramble’s Best of 23/24: Part 4

26 Jul 2024

Contributed by Lukas

The finale is here! And Pete brings perhaps the best episode of the lot for you today. We pick things up at the start of April, where barns were burni...

Football Ramble’s Best of 23/24: Part 3

25 Jul 2024

Contributed by Lukas

In case anyone is unsure, Sean Connery is in fact no longer with us. Are you paying attention Vish?Pete’s back with another collection of the best m...

Football Ramble’s Best of 23/24: Part 2

24 Jul 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Your Chief Keystone Cop Pete Donaldson is back with more of our favourite moments from the season that was. Today, we’ve got Manchester United’s C...

Football Ramble’s Best of 23/24: Part 1

23 Jul 2024

Contributed by Lukas

The new club season is almost upon us! But before kick-off, we’re reliving our favourite moments from 2023/24.Today, Pete takes ...

A dildo to the heart

22 Jul 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Before you listen to this episode, we want to set one thing straight: despite Pete’s accusations, Marcus does not smoke crack cocaine. All right? Al...

Football Ramble’s Best of the Euros: Part 2

19 Jul 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Now it’s time for the painful bit. Join us for Part 2 of our Euro 2024 farewell, with all of our favourite moments from the Round of 16 and beyond! ...

Football Ramble’s Best of the Euros: Part 1

18 Jul 2024

Contributed by Lukas

The groups stages were arguably the highlight of Euro 2024 - well, maybe not for England and Scotland. But we were blessed with some exciting football...

Mailbag: What is Gareth Southgate’s legacy?

17 Jul 2024

Contributed by Lukas

After four tournaments, two finals, a collection of excellent waistcoats and one flare up the arse, Gareth Southgate’s time as England manager is ov...

Revealing our Euro 2024 predictions!

16 Jul 2024

Contributed by Lukas

How do you get over England losing a Euros final? Relive all your misplaced optimism before the tournament, of course! Marcus, Luke, Andy and Jim...

So close and yet so far

15 Jul 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Spain are the champions of Europe... and England have fallen at the last hurdle once more. Marcus, Luke, Andy and Jim pick up the pieces after another...

It all comes down to this

14 Jul 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Tonight’s the night, it’s the Euro 2024 final. Excited? Nervous? However you’re feeling, come join the warm embrace of Marcus and Luke as we col...

Put a Peperami in the Paella... Our Euro 2024 final preview

13 Jul 2024

Contributed by Lukas

How can England beat Spain in the Euro 2024 final? Will it be because Bukayo Saka can do a better job of cutting in on his left foot than Lamine Yamal...

The story so far

12 Jul 2024

Contributed by Lukas

How did Spain and England make it to the final? Will Gareth Southgate sub on Pete Donaldson? And will Pete wet himself?Two days out from the final of ...

When something is good, it’s never gone

11 Jul 2024

Contributed by Lukas

EEEEAAASAAAAY!!!ENGLAND DID IT! Successive bloody Euros finals. And they did it with what we’re now completely, unbiasedly calling the best strikers...

Lamine “MacGyver” Yamal

10 Jul 2024

Contributed by Lukas

It’s happened, everybody: a player younger than the Football Ramble has scored in a major tournament semi-final. Today, Marcus, Luke, Jim and Andy a...

France get ready for the Spanish!

09 Jul 2024

Contributed by Lukas

 The supercomputer has chimed in on the Euros semi-finals and Luke and John Cross are NOT happy.Marcus, Luke and Andy preview Spain vs France ton...

Is Tom Heaton the key?

08 Jul 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Marcus, Luke, Jim and Positive Pete draw breath as England prepare for their semi-final in a few days’ time. Should Harry Kane spark up a big ol’ ...

Pengland

07 Jul 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Ladies and gentlemen, England are in the semi-finals of Euro 2024! Today, Marcus, Andy and Vish are here to let out an almighty easaaay and explain wh...

Ronaldone

06 Jul 2024

Contributed by Lukas

What do you get when two cowardly coaches fight for a spot in the semis of the Euros? Portugal vs France and 120 minutes of Cristiano Ronaldo thinking...

Introducing: P1 with Matt and Tommy

05 Jul 2024

Contributed by Lukas

England vs Switzerland isn’t the only big English sporting event happening this weekend: it’s also the British Formula 1 Grand Prix!P1 with Matt a...

The Kevin Keegan Effect

04 Jul 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Why can’t Kevin Keegan fly out to Germany to watch the Euros? I don’t know Kev, you tell us…Marcus, Pete and Jim preview the last 8, where it’...

It's all coming up Brassell

03 Jul 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Austria vs Turkey…. how were there only three goals? Marcus, Luke and Andy are here to celebrate Brassell’s brave boys making it through to the qu...

Portugal thrash Slovenia… on pens

02 Jul 2024

Contributed by Lukas

And it was enough to bring tears to (some people’s) eyes. Pete, Andy and Jim relive a dramatic night for Portugal which saw them escape calamity and...

On The Continent: What really went wrong for Italy?

02 Jul 2024

Contributed by Lukas

This is a brilliant segment from our sister show – On The Continent – that we thought you had to hear. This week, Andy and Dotun were joined by Ni...

Hey Jude, don’t be afraid

01 Jul 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Marcus, Luke and Jim get their heart rates down long enough to recap a truly absurd game of football, as England scrape past Slovakia more by luck tha...

It’s correct but I don’t like it

30 Jun 2024

Contributed by Lukas

The Euros knockout stages are here! Marcus, Pete, Vish and Jim praise Germany’s band of brash brothers as they muscled past Denmark thanks to some V...

Mailbag: What’s changed watching England?

29 Jun 2024

Contributed by Lukas

We’ve had Sven, Capello, McClaren and Hodgson come before him - so how will we remember Gareth Southgate? Marcus, Luke and Andy wonder why the Engli...

Our Euros knockouts preview!

28 Jun 2024

Contributed by Lukas

It’s business time. And up yours, England are still in the mix. Marcus, Luke and Jim are joined by Andy – fresh back from Germany – to preview t...

Georgia do the Portuguese!

27 Jun 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Goodbye to the group stages! And it finished with a magnificent day for Georgia, a terrible day for António Silva, and a reminder for Pete Donaldson ...

Top of the group, bottom of the barrel

26 Jun 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Somehow, England have finished top of their group. And somehow, they’re in the best side of the draw. The plan worked!Marcus, Luke, Vish and Pete re...

Sit down, drink venom and relax

25 Jun 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Italy left it very late to secure 2nd place in their group against Croatia last night. Today, Marcus, Jim, Pete and Vish are here to dissect the key t...

Scotland are out!

24 Jun 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Jeezy peeps, man. Marcus, Vish and Luke are here to perform the Scottish post-mortem after they were knocked out in the same underwhelming fashion tha...

Portuguese Grant Holt

23 Jun 2024

Contributed by Lukas

England fans are being told that the players are struggling physically so they can’t play at the desired intensity. Did they watch 41-year-old Pepe ...

Mr Rat

22 Jun 2024

Contributed by Lukas

What happens when you put two English referees on one of the most exciting clashes of the group stages? A 0-0 draw. That’s what PGMOL do to ya.Marcu...

It might not be fine

21 Jun 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Need a comforting embrace from Marcus, Luke and Vish? Bring it in. Ignore all the nervous sweat.The lads discuss England’s messy draw with Denmark a...

A uranium rod up the arse

20 Jun 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Scotland are still in it! Despite the Power Cube scoring AGAIN in a major tournament, the Scots rallied and the Ramblers still believe they can do it....

The perfect game of football

19 Jun 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Turkey 3-1 Georgia. Otherwise known as: the perfect game of football. Today, Marcus, Luke and Vish are here to once again explain why you simply must ...

Short kings pod only

18 Jun 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Day Five and we have our first big upset of the tournament! Andy and Vish react to that, while Pete is of course wondering how this new microphone-in-...

It’s all a bit Sven’s England

17 Jun 2024

Contributed by Lukas

One word to describe England’s win over Serbia: eeeeeeeeaaazayyyyyyy! A few more words you could use: a conservative, cautionary reminder of England...

A kettle full of spaghetti

16 Jun 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Italy have history of going all the way with an unfancied side, could they do it again? Today Pete, Jim and Andy are here to answer some of the big qu...

A sad Scottish buffet

15 Jun 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Oh dear Scotland… and to think things started so well when a penis was seen before the tournament had even started. Today, Pete, Luke and Vish are h...

The Euro 2024 Preview Show: Big Mama UEFA

14 Jun 2024

Contributed by Lukas

The waiting is finally over everybody, the Euros are here!! Today, Marcus, Luke, Jim and Pete are here for a complete Euro 2024 preview.Positive Peter...

Lions Watch: We’ve made it!

13 Jun 2024

Contributed by Lukas

With one day to go until Euro 2024, we round up this series of Lions Watch with some final thoughts on what success looks like for England - and how t...

Peperami Pete

12 Jun 2024

Contributed by Lukas

It’s happened. It’s actually happened. Everybody stay calm… Erik ten Hag will stay at Man United! Has anyone seen Marcus’ aunt?Today, Marcus, ...

High School Managers

10 Jun 2024

Contributed by Lukas

England may have lost their final friendly before the Euros but don’t worry, Jude Bellingham’s back!! Today, Marcus, Jim, Andy and Vish take a mom...

Ramble Reacts: Don’t worry, it was just a friendly

07 Jun 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Anthony Gordon Bennett! England have lost their last friendly before Euro 2024. Don’t worry, Luke and Marcus are here to hold your&nb...

The Preview Show: Emi in Paris

07 Jun 2024

Contributed by Lukas

The moment has arrived, Gareth Southgate has picked his 26-man squad for Euro 2024! Today, Pete, Vish and Jim are here with some advice for all Englan...

Lions Watch: Listener Q&A special!

06 Jun 2024

Contributed by Lukas

We’ve been getting so many questions about Gareth’s Gang and their inevitable march to Euros glory over the last few weeks - so let’s answer a l...

Solid, Pardew, gas

05 Jun 2024

Contributed by Lukas

We’re in the midst of the summer perineum which can only mean two things, England gearing up for an international tournament and Alan Pardew being l...

Ramble Reacts: England’s outsiders make their case

03 Jun 2024

Contributed by Lukas

It’s a Lions Watch takeover on today’s Ramble Reacts, as Marcus and Luke discuss the opening act of England’s Hot Girl Summer. If ever you neede...

The Empire Strikes Back (again)

03 Jun 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Marcus, Luke and Vish pull the curtain down on the season, as the Baron Samedi of European football won their 15th Big One™. We celebrate some spect...

Mailbag: Will we miss this version of the Champions League?

01 Jun 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Ahead of the Champions League’s impending changes, Marcus, Jim and Andy look back over some of their favourite moments from this era of the competit...

The Preview Show: Lunin Tunes

31 May 2024

Contributed by Lukas

We’re on the eve of the Champions League final! Marcus, Luke, Jim and Andy are getting in the mood by trying to work out what medicine Andriy Lunin ...

Lions Watch: Does Gareth Southgate use his substitutes enough?

30 May 2024

Contributed by Lukas

With just a couple of weeks until the Euros kicks off, we’re pretty sure about how Gaz’s Gang will line up in their opening game against Serbia - ...

Diet Pep

29 May 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Enzo Maresca looks set to be the new Chelsea manager as he is rumoured to have agreed a potential six-year contract with the club. Don’t you dare su...

De Brexit

27 May 2024

Contributed by Lukas

It's bank holiday Monday and Vish is in the studio, that can only mean one thing… Man United have won the FA Cup! He’s joined by Marcus, Jim and P...

Mailbag: Where have all the elite managers gone?

25 May 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Bayern want the Burnley manager, while Chelsea want the Ipswich, Brentford and Leicester managers. So, where did all the established ‘super coaches’...

The Preview Show: Manchester United can’t jump

24 May 2024

Contributed by Lukas

What will it take for Man United to beat Man City in this weekend’s FA Cup final? Computer hacking? Marcus, Vish, Jim and Pete genuinely have no ans...

Lions Watch: Who should make England's final squad?

23 May 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Gareth Southgate’s provisional squad is out! So, who would we drop for the final 26? Marcus and Luke discuss that on today’s Lions Watch.Plus, a l...

Come home José

22 May 2024

Contributed by Lukas

José Mourinho, Erik ten Hag and Frank Lampard... they’re just some of the names that Marcus, Luke, Jim and Andy want for the Chelsea job now Mauric...

The Jack’s Encyclopaedia title decider!

21 May 2024

Contributed by Lukas

It all comes down to this. This year's top three – Luke, Marcus and Vish – lock horns to become undisputed champion of Jack’s Encyclopaedia 2023...

Our 2023/24 Premier League predictions revealed

21 May 2024

Contributed by Lukas

It’s everyone’s favourite time of the year – the time where we get to show off exactly how much we (don’t) know about football. That...

The Premier League finale

20 May 2024

Contributed by Lukas

It’s not just about the Manchester City fourth successive title, it’s about the Phil Fodens that were made along the way.Marcus, Luke, Jim and Vis...

Mailbag: What is Jürgen Klopp’s Premier League legacy?

18 May 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Better to have loved and Klopped than never to have Klopped at all. On the weekend of his last game, Marcus, Luke and Andy assess Jurgen Klopp’s imp...

The Preview Show: Goblins and eggs

17 May 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Warning: no Premier League CEOs were egged in the making of this podcast.Marcus, Luke, Andy and Pete preview the final weekend of the Premier League s...

Lions Watch: No Shaw thing

16 May 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Who is England’s left back for the Euros? And more importantly: who is the team’s official psychic medium? Derren Brown, it’s time to step up.Ma...

Ramble Reacts: Man United and Newcastle embrace the chaos!

15 May 2024

Contributed by Lukas

And Erik ten Hag goes all Phil Brown in his sweaty three-piece! Pete and Andy are here to react to Man United’s victory over their also very, VERY t...

Pep’s magic pump

15 May 2024

Contributed by Lukas

We all know what happens when Man City reach the business end of the season: Pep activates his magic pump, slips Man City into 5th gear and the rest i...

Ramble Reacts: Liverpool come undone

13 May 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Tom Hanks, David Cameron, Michael Portillo, Alan Pardew, Prince William, Chris Eubank and David James all feature on this edition of Ramble Reacts! Yo...

The Final Countdown

13 May 2024

Contributed by Lukas

It’s all going down to the final day. Fulham’s kite training didn’t work after all. Marcus, Jim, Vish and Andy wave farewell to Burnley and...

Mailbag: Should a player's success be defined by trophies?

11 May 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Harry Kane has gone another season without winning a trophy. Today, Marcus tries to convince Luke and Jim that a trophyless career wouldn’t tarnish ...