home alone wondering about belonging
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How does returning to Ireland change my accent and persona?
How are you? How's it going? There's a strange thing that happens to me whenever I come back to Ireland. My accent changes. It reverts to how it normally is when I'm here. It's a little bit like I just adopt a new persona or some of the kind of the trappings of the old persona just reemerge. Um, and it's not necessarily to do with who I'm with or what I'm doing. It's just the simple fact of being almost like a sense that often it's more important where you are and who you are. And with that in mind, in this episode, episode, in this session, in this chat, I want to talk about that. I want to talk about who you are, where you are. Dear, lovely listeners, friends, people who I meet along the road, people who drop in on my DMs, all of yous.
This is Healing from Irishness, and in this episode, I'm going to talk about a subject that I keep returning to, safety and belonging, and what might come next.
Music
Hello, how's it going? I'm at home, down in Kildare. Through an act of the gods, or maybe just missteps in communication, I've landed home to see my family, and they're not here. They've gone on holidays down to Cork. And so I arrive back to an empty house with a key under the mat.
and then proceeded to go to the fridge and make myself a lunch with leftovers and whatever else I could find. And as far as homecomings go, I didn't mind. There was something even pleasant about being here and being alone. And there was something even peaceful about it. I felt somehow that I could just move with with very little tension you know that i could just be in these spaces in these spaces that have strong memories for me sit in the furniture and completely relax into the sofa. Maybe one of the first times I've really relaxed into the sofa because I knew I wouldn't be interrupted. I knew that I was completely alone. And for me, the feeling of being alone is also the feeling of being safe. For me, coming together with others and
even friends, even people, partners, even people who I know very closely, there's always a kind of a touch, a touch of danger there. And this is complex trauma. Well, complex trauma is when you've grown up with a lot of repetitive psychological fears, right? And what happens is that your relationship to trust and your relationship to safety is, is damaged. Now I'm not saying that it's permanently damaged, but it's damaged and needs to be repaired. And that repair takes years, decades, maybe even there's a constant daily repair. And so arriving home to an empty house felt beautiful in many ways. Not that my family are dangerous, but that when you have old beliefs around safety in your body. Those beliefs, they ripple on and they can still be active in places of safety.
You know, it's the memory of dangers past that still float out into our present, that still guide our future. I think a lot of Irish people, we experience these sort of complex fears, this complex, disorganized sense of safety. And it manifests, it shows up for me. Like if my partner gets excited with something, it can just be excitement. You know, she gets excited at something. She's got good news or something happens on television. We don't have a television. We have a laptop that we don't even have like a Stanford. It's a laptop that comes to bed with us sometimes until the fans start to whir. And then we have to take it off the bed and go to bed and sleep. But this excitement will come out in her and I'll feel a shock inside my body.
And the shock is a feeling of fear. Super interesting. I was in... It's in Palma, where I live, the other night. And there was a protest march, a protest about tourists, you know, the locals in Palma. There's a situation where there's really just, there's an over-touristification in the island, and in the summer months, there's something like 15 million people arrive there. You know, this is an island with less than a million population.
Why does being alone at my family home feel both peaceful and revealing?
small place where huge amount of the population just just work the land and are farmers and then in the summer months and the summer has been expanding and extending for years now so it begins jesus it begins in easter and doesn't end until halloween and there's just this deluge of people and it's too much you feel it energetically you just feel like oh this crowding this sense of crowding you know i remember when i used to live in dublin and they'd be say like
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