Relationships 2.0: Why Did You Do That?
episodePreviously titled “Relationships 2.0: Why Did You Do That? + Your Questions Answered: Fred Luskin on Grudges” — renamed by the publisher on Aug 3, 2026
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This is Hidden Brain. I'm Shankar Vedantam. All parents have moments when their kids test their patience. Lian Yang is no exception.
I often yell at my kids for things that they did by accident, like spilling a smoothie or leaving a cap off of a permanent marker and, you know, making black permanent stains all over the sofa.
When this happens and the couch is covered in black splotches or there's smoothie on the floor, the perpetrators inevitably offer this defense.
It was an accident.
It's not my fault. I didn't mean to do it. I shouldn't say this, but I tell them it doesn't matter that you didn't mean to do it. What matters is that you won't do it again.
Leanne's reaction, while understandable, is deeply ironic. She's a psychologist who studies how we read other people's intentions.
We need to think about other people's minds in order to figure out who our friends are, who to avoid, whom to punish, whether to punish. And we need to read people's intentions in any ordinary interaction, like having a conversation and figuring out what to say and how to respond.
As we go through life, we are constantly making sense of people's actions by interpreting their intentions. Our ability to read what is happening in other people's minds is like an invisible compass guiding us through life. But sometimes it leads us astray. We misread other people's intentions, especially when we're angry or hurt. In the last few weeks, in our Relationships 2.0 series, we've looked at the importance of human connection and how we can become better negotiators. If you missed those episodes, do check them out. This week on Hidden Brain, how our powers of observation allow us to navigate our social worlds until they don't. We are constantly trying to read other people's minds.
When we interact with friends, relatives, and coworkers, we ask ourselves, what is going on in this other person's head? What does she want? What are his intentions? Our ability to read other minds involves an extraordinary feat of cognition. Yet, it mostly unfolds in our heads without us being aware of it. Minus this skill, the simplest of interactions would be mired in confusion and misunderstanding. Lian Yang is a psychologist and neuroscientist at Boston College. She has spent years studying this mental ability and the profound effects it has on our lives. Lian Yang, welcome to Hidden Brain.
Thanks so much. It's good to be here, Shankar.
I want to start with a very simple example that shows how important it is for us to read what's happening in the minds of other people. In the 1993 movie Mrs. Doubtfire, starring Robin Williams, the characters Daniel and Miranda have split up, and Daniel comes up with this unconventional way to win Miranda back. He returns to the house in disguise as Mrs. Doubtfire, an elderly widow who seeks the role of nanny and housekeeper. Now, he quickly wins the trust of the family. Very soon, Miranda is asking Mrs. Doubtfire for life advice, including whether to go on a date with a man she's just met.
Mrs. Doubtfire, may I ask you a question? Oh, certainly. How long after Mr. Doubtfire passed away, Winston, did you feel any desire? Never. Never? Never again. Never again? Once the father of your children is out of the picture... The only solution is total and lifelong celibacy. Celibacy? Yes.
So, Lian, if we lack the capacity to read what was happening inside the minds of Daniel and Miranda, how would that change how we understood this scene?
Well, I think we wouldn't be able to appreciate the humor and the irony in that scene where Daniel is essentially, he knows what is going on with his wife and he is trying to get his wife to not date this other man. And of course, we know that the wife doesn't know Daniel's true identity as Daniel. She thinks that He is this housekeeper and we know that she doesn't know. And so there's this very sort of layered understanding that we need to have as the audience to find the scene funny. Yeah. We can't find it funny without realizing that she doesn't know what he knows and who he is.
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