Chapter 1: What humorous experiences does Bill share about wearing shorts to the theater?
Good morning, good afternoon, or good evening, depending on where you are on the planet. This is Ill-Advised by Bill Nye, and I am Bill Nye, and I'm here to answer your questions without actually making things worse. And it's a great day in London town. Spring has finally arrived, and it's a great day to give up smoking.
It's a refuge here for the clumsy and the awkward, and if you're socially adept and enjoy healthy relationships, there's nothing for you here. If you enjoy dinner parties and are good in bed, there's nothing for you here. If you wear shorts to the theater, there is nothing for you here. If you do wear shorts to the theater, at least don't sit in the front row, particularly if I'm in the show.
I was once in a show with Anthony Hopkins playing his Australian sidekick to his South African tycoon who was relaxing in his fabulous home in Weybridge in a kimono practicing a fictional martial art called tuyinka, which involved a six-foot bamboo cane, which he would swing violently around and bring it down sharply. mouthing impenetrable Japanese grunts.
And there was a young man in the Olivier Theatre at the National Theatre in London who not only wore shorts to the theatre, but he had the terrible idea of crossing his ankles on the stage. He was in the front row, so he just sat there and put his feet up on the stage in front of Anthony Hopkins, who's carrying a six-foot bamboo cane.
And he crossed his ankles on the stage so he could relax like he was watching TV. And I saw Anthony spot him and I feared for the boy. And Anthony screamed in some kind of Japanese and brought the bamboo cane down so violently within an inch of this kid's head that the boy's legs retreated into his torso. He got his legs off that stage as quick as he's ever done anything in his life so far.
And he was absolutely terrified. And the silence was, you know, deep. No one was breathing in the thousand seater. And my next line, I was in theatrical heaven. I was in bliss because my next line was, people are beginning to worry about you, boss. And I knew that I had the answer to this whole problem. But I waited because I knew that life was never going to be this good again.
And as soon as I spoke, it would go off like a bomb, but then it would be over. So I hung on to it for just longer than I ought to have done. And then I said the line and the whole place erupted. Not because I'm particularly brilliant, just because it was the perfect line. And we had to wait for some time before we could resume the acting, the story.
So, yeah, don't cross your ankles on the front of the stage, particularly if you're wearing, you know, manosphere shorts. Thank you for all of your questions. Let's hear some.
Hello, Bill. It's Peter from Rhode Island, and I just listened to your advice about traveling on an airplane. Because you travel so light and you travel a lot, what is your take on bed sheets where you are sleeping not in your own home? Is just any cotton okay? Do you have a prohibition against any polyester? Do you have a care about it? Either way.
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Chapter 2: What advice does Bill give about choosing bed sheets while traveling?
I have been called Willie by people close to me, and it is a term of endearment, and I really like it. And also, when I talk to myself, yeah, okay, yeah, I admit it, I talk to myself on a regular basis. Particularly when I'm trying to encourage myself, if I get unnerved or scared, I always refer to myself as Willie. Okay, that is categorically too much information.
No one needs to know that fact, but now you do. I know you want to turn back time, but it's too late. And now it's time again for our feature, a highly popular feature, I'm With The Band, where listeners send in the name of their teenage band and the lyrics to their signature song. And this week there's a contribution from Scott Brown. in Dundee, Scotland. And he says, hello there.
My submission for I'm With The Band, I used to play in a rock band called Writers I've Known. The name was taken from a line in J.D. Salinger's Franny and Zooey, which I read not long after the band formed. The phrase was capitalized in the sentence for emphasis, and I knew immediately that I had to insist to my bandmates that we use it.
It was often misheard by promoters and venues back when gigs were arranged over the phone, as we were listed under names such as Waiters I've Known. and Razor's Unknown. Lyrics of one of our signature songs, Scott says, I can't recall the entire song, or rather my brain refuses to, but I came up with this line from a song called Cartwheels of Enthusiasm.
And the line is, your internal clock just melted like a Salvador Dali cliche at an art student party. Good God almighty, Scott. How did you fit that in? This was repeated several times over an extended build-up of palm-muted guitar chords. Wow, that sounds good. We eventually abandoned singing altogether and became an instrumental rock band instead, much to everyone's relief.
Well, that's very, very, very funny and very good, Scott. It reminds me of, I read once that Bob Dylan and Sam Shepard, the playwright, sat down to write songs together. And Sam Shepard would write out lines. And some of them were very, very long. They were collaborating on a particular line. And Sam Shepard said, well, that's too long. And Bob Dylan said, don't worry, I'll get it in.
Which is kind of thrilling because he could get anything in effortlessly. This episode's playlist is called It's Okay, I Caught Up on Emails. And the first track is from Self-Esteem, and it's called cheerfully Logic, Bitch. And it's a very affecting lament, really, full of irony and grief, with a beautiful musical setting. And it's called
And then we've got a song from Beck, which is called Blue Randy. which starts with the lines, I was driving home in a Dodge Stratus to the contaminated side of town, which is not a bad way to start a song. The next song is from Guy Clark, who was a great country songwriter. And this is my favorite song of his. And it's called My Favorite Picture of You.
And it contains the lines, My favorite picture of you is the one where you're staring straight into the lens. Just a Polaroid shot someone took on the spot. No beginning, no end. It's just a moment in time you can't have back. You never left, but your bags were packed. And the next song is by Craig Finn, and this is called Galveston.
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