Relax, I've Got Your Keys
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What is Bill Nye’s opening monologue about and why does he describe himself as a ‘paranoid doorman’?
Good morning, good afternoon or good evening. This is Bill Nye and this is Ill-Advised by Bill Nye. Welcome everybody and I hope you're in one piece or in some kind of shape, which is as much as we can hope for. This is a podcast for people who don't get out much and when they do, they wish they hadn't. If you are someone who panics every time the phone rings, you're in the right place. My credentials are that I got nearly everything wrong most of the time. As a young man. I made a bit of a meal of being young. To say that youth is wasted on the young never was a truer word spoken in terms of me when I was young. I couldn't get my head around it. It was daily torture. And I used to wake up in the morning and think, please, please don't let me be paranoid today.
Sometimes I would have to go, if I was in a bar or something with friends and the paranoia kicked in and there was no knowing when it would happen. Then I would go into the men's room and I'd go into the cubicle and I would shake my head violently, I mean really seriously violently, and jump up and down in order to shake the paranoia out of my head and then go back in the bar and hope that it had worked. It worked about half of the time. And I would say, you know, get out of my head, you know, just to try and stop it. Because once it started, the game was up. You might as well go home and hide under the bedclothes. And there were so many paranoid-making things around, like girls, for a start. So those are my credentials.
So if you need help with anything, obviously I'm your man.
Hi Bill, my name's Lou and I'm from North West London. I have a bit of a dilemma I'm hoping you could help me out with. So I've got a cat, but I don't have a cat flap because I rent. What's happened is I've turned into a doorman for my cat. My question is, should I put in a cat flap against my landlord's wishes? What do you reckon?
Lou, you've got to have a cat flap. You can't be the doorman to your cat because apart from anything, you're not always going to be there when your cat needs a doorman. And that could get ugly. So sod the landlord with all due respect, but quietly get one put in. And is he really going to give you a hard time about a cat flap? And if he wants to give you a really hard time about a cat flap, let me know, Lou. And we will tweet his ass all over the internet. And we will make him suffer in new and unimaginable ways. Sorry, I'll calm down. But we could help, maybe. I shouldn't get into this. Otherwise, I'm going to have everyone in the world saying, could you help me out? My landlord says, you know. But I think a cat flap is a universal requirement.
You've got a cat. You need a cat flap. The cat needs a cat flap. The cat needs to be free to wander. That's what cats do. Cats have to have an in and out. They've got to. You can't wait on some human being to be your exit strategy. That's where I stand. I got quite heated then.
Hi Bill, this is Johannes from Berlin. I think wristwatches are the only acceptable form of jewelry a man should really ever wear, with the possible exception of a wedding ring maybe. I was wondering, do you agree with this notion and do you own any watches yourself? And if so, how do you choose which watch to wear in the morning? Cheers and all the best!
Johannes, thank you for the question. Yeah, interesting. I agree with you. I don't – I mean when I say all these things about how I don't want to stand too near to a man who's wearing shoes, trousers and no socks – It's for real. I don't really want to be around until he's properly dressed. But I don't – I will always defend his right to do that. So I'm not telling other people what to wear or what to do, just to be clear on that. I mean I have an opinion about it in terms of myself personally. Other people, well, what can you do about other people? But the wristwatch thing, yeah, wristwatches are, for me, the only acceptable jewelry, really, because it's like with, you know, I have quipped, don't you hate people that quote their own quips, in the past that I've never had a tattoo because I've never thought that my body was worthy of decoration.
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