Transcript generated automatically by AI and may contain errors.
Chapter 1: What is discussed at the start of this section?
Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.TV and now on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. Everything Golden Pony, including his tour dates, at TonyHinchcliffe.com.
If you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some Death Squad merch, go to DeathSquad.tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony Hitchcock!
Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Make some noise for Brian Red Band, ladies and gentlemen. Hello! We've been doing this a long time. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, huh? On horns, Carlos Sosa, Raul Vallejo, and Fernando Castillo. Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Matthew, the mortician, mewling on the electric guitar. John D's on the keys.
And this right here is the beautiful, bold D Madness live in the flesh on the bass guitar. This episode of Kill Tony is brought to you by ZipX and ExpressVPN. A lot of fun in store for you. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.
The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.
Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode? You guys can do better. Are you guys ready for a great fucking night or what? Every single episode, I have two of the funniest people in the world on this show this week. No different. This is both of these guests' first time on the panel, which is very, very exciting. You get to look in the crystal ball of the future of stand-up comedy.
These guys are part of the Philly Shane Gillis Super Crew. Ladies and gentlemen, some of the newest residents to Austin, Texas, the new comedy capital of the world. I present to you two of your new guests.
favorite comedians if you don't know them already make some fucking noise for sean gardini and tommy pope everybody here we go gardini welcome sit over there tommy over here get over here tommy hell yeah make some more noise for our guests tonight Oh, yeah, baby. Sean Gardini is on tour. Cleveland, Buffalo, Baltimore, Tampa coming up. SeanGardini.com for tickets. That's S-H-A-W-N.
Sean, look at you, you adorable, funny man. How are you? I'm here, baby. I'm happy. You are here. We're going to have a lot of fun tonight. We're going to watch some wacky comedians. How about a hand for Tommy Pope is here. Has the podcast Stuff Island with Chris O'Connor. Another very, very funny man. Uh, how you guys doing? You excited to be here?
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Chapter 2: What are the key themes introduced by Tommy Pope and Shawn Gardini?
You do it every time. Well, thanks a lot. Thanks for letting everyone know that I've done that joke before, Martin. That's always great for comedy, you piece of shit. It's so good. It's worth doing multiple times. You're a Nazi. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Put those hands back in those fucking pockets. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, Mike Tyson, look out. Holy shit. Martin fucking fantastic.
Everyone loves your style. I can't believe it. I can't believe that I cost you a second date with a crazy girl. There was no other red flags? No, she was nice. I don't know. She was nice. I didn't have any issues. Was she normal and able-bodied?
Yes.
Or were you guys both out there just doing the fucking wobbles? A normal person. Just fucking spilling coffee all over the fucking joint. It was cold coffee. The coffee was cold. Cold coffee? I'm guessing it was shaken. But I don't know, she was cool out there. I didn't see any issues. Why would you want out? But, yeah, she's all issues about me. She doesn't want to be associated with anything.
Kill Tony, wow. And I was like, I wasn't fucking there. I wasn't fucking there. Yeah, I wasn't at, like, I wasn't. Yeah, so, I don't know. Oh, jeez. Oh, man. Well, she's probably not going out with anybody. She probably shaved her head and swore off sex for the next few years anyway, so no matter what, you'd still be fucking rubbing that shit in your pocket right there.
It's my phone. Oh, it's your phone.
Okay, all right. I thought it was your fat cock for a second. What kind of dick do you have, Martin? What are we working with here? I've always wondered. Is it also a vibrator? Well, it's... I guess. If it's on me, I guess. No, I think it's a regular penis. I believe it's, you know, normal.
Circumcised.
Oh, you are circumcised. I don't remember that, but they did it, so. Hell yeah. Go get that doctor, that guy. Absolutely. Very, very, one of the hardest circumcisions to do, I'd imagine. Fuck, stay fucking still. Can people hold down the arms and the legs and the hips and the fucking shoulders? Nurses, I need more nurses. This fucking baby's wobbly, wobbly, wop. Wobbly, okay. I love it.
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Chapter 3: How do the guests engage with the audience?
That bitch loves a hard R. Okay. I got kinky parents. You guys have kinky parents? Don't answer that. You see, here's the thing about kinky parents. You shouldn't know that they're kinky. When I was 18 years old, my mom came out to me as bisexual, followed by the phrase, I'm gonna be in a relationship with your father and his girlfriend.
Yeah, my parents are Mexican and their third is white, so when they're all together, I call them tres leches. Guys, thank you, that's my time.
Jamisha Albo has returned. Hi, Jamisha. Tony Hinchcliffe, Mr. President. How are you? Thank you. Indeed. So you were adopted? Is that what I'm getting? I was adopted.
Yeah. Only black person in my family. And so the end of that joke. So when I was 18, my mom came out to me as bi. And then she entered a relationship with my dad and the girl that he was cheating on her with. Yeah. That sounds about right.
That's not even that crazy. I'm used to much crazier shit with comedians. That's actually a pretty balanced breakfast of a childhood. Wait until 18. Normally when parents say bye at 18, they mean goodbye.
Goodbye. You're out.
Don't come back. See you later.
You had a little bit of infidelity growing up, right?
more than infidelity my entire thing my mom and dad cheated on their significant others for 11 years secretly while raising families they were fucking the shit out of each other and then 11 years into it my dad nutted inside of my mother and she got pregnant my dad assumed that she would have an abortion but she decided to have me her dream love child the youngest by 12 years
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Chapter 4: What humorous anecdotes are shared about personal experiences?
And I was like, yeah, all right. What does that mean? Raider rash, it's basically like chlamydia at Texas Tech. Yeah, so you got chlamydia. Yeah, they just said raider rash. It was STD, but then, like, dude, everyone gets chlamydia there. Wow. Dude, yeah, I was, like, I was studying finance, which is, like, kind of hard, but, dude, I couldn't even pass a test at the clinic.
Those were the hardest things.
You make me want to shave my mustache, dude.
That's amazing. That is amazing. Cole, when's the last time you got an STD? Uh, I don't know. If you don't get tested, you don't have one, so... It's been a while. I don't know. Probably since college, I think. Yeah. I got tested, like, a year ago. I'm good to go. Okay. All right. That's good, a year. You talk a lot about sex during your act. Do you have a lot of it?
Do you have a steady girlfriend? No, no. Dude, I feel like I can always come up with bits during sex. During sex? Yeah, or after. If I can't write, if I have writer's block, I'm like, let me just bang someone, and then I could probably get a joke out there. Have you thought about doing other things and writing jokes about it? No, no, just sex right now, just sex. Amazing. Yeah, riding that wave.
Amazing. Do you have any special maneuvers in the bedroom that you use on the ladies? The old cold castle, the old sand castle, the old fucking cold trickle? No, I'm just, I'm really good at, like, the pillow talk after. Like, sex, all right, but, like, I'll hold a mean conversation after. Really? Yeah. Is that true?
Yeah, like, I think, like, the sex is all right, but the pillow talk is like, all right, I'll hang out with that guy again. You know what, let's get Heidi up here. I wanna see what this guy's pillow talk is like. Let's do a little, the lovely Heidi. Always an intimidating force when looking directly in a man's eyes.
So you just fucked Heidi, which I'm guessing is literally- Now I have to get tested. Yeah. So you and Heidi just fucked. You guys are laying down. Let's get a little example of your amazing pillow talk. Heidi, thank you for having sex with me tonight.
You're very welcome. Your make-a-wish has come true. He won. He won. Keep it going.
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Chapter 5: How did Juanita's background shape her experiences?
Transitioned until I was like 30.
Okay. How old are you now? 36. 36. And you've been in Texas for how long? Since I was six. Right.
Chapter 6: What challenges does Juanita face in her job search?
Where were you before then? I was born in Mexico. Okay. Born in Mexico.
Chapter 7: What unique skills does Juanita bring to bartending?
And you're here. So you are a transplant.
She went to prison. That's accurate. Hold on. What? If she went to prison, she could have got it for free. That's true. Oh, shit. It's cheaper in Mexico, though.
Sorry, I don't want to get... Dude, I should have stolen more stuff.
Yeah.
So had a pussy. Juanita, what do you do for work?
Right now, I'm unemployed. Anybody got a job?
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Chapter 8: What personal stories does Edgar share about his past?
Oh, my goodness gracious.
Yeah, but I'm collecting unemployment. I worked for, like, a tech company doing translations, and then they had the same... Translations?
Are you serious?
Are you kidding me?
God damn it! Are you kidding me? Wow. So you were translating Spanish to English? Okay. Incredible. Are you looking for a job now? Yeah, like bartending or doing whatever. You know how to bartend? Yeah.
okay yeah what do you uh what do you what what's like one of your favorite drinks to make just like a classic actual martini so stirred not shaken gin dry lemon are there any special trans drinks that you make like a unsurely temple or a she makes a martini and pours into a Miller Lite bottle what I get my boyfriend to come and... You make a mean, used-to-be-a-man Hatton?
Next bar job, yeah, I'm gonna fucking do that.
Oh, yes.
Express yourself, martini.
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