Transcript generated automatically by AI and may contain errors.
Chapter 1: What is discussed at the start of this section?
Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out ShopSquad.TV for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.TV.
And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Tickets are on sale for all my upcoming stand-up dates. Detroit, Atlantic City, Niagara Falls, Mount Pleasant, Michigan, West Valley City, aka Salt Lake City, Utah, Reno, Nevada, Anaheim, California, and Las Vegas, Nevada. Tickets are on sale now for my stand-up comedy featuring some of your favorite characters from the show, especially me.
All tickets are at TonyHinchcliffe.com right now.
Hey, this is Rabbit coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony!
Let's go! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives?
Huh?
Thanks so much for Brian Red Band, ladies and gentlemen. And indeed, one more time for the best damn band in the land. That's the Kill Tony Band, everybody. Brought to you by Vaya and Blue Chew. That is indeed Grooveline Horns, Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, and Carlos Sosa, Nachos Belgrande. That is Big Mike, Michael Gonzalez on the drums.
They came here all the way from the Gulf of America to be here, that fucking side of the stage. How exciting. Officially changed on Google just an hour ago, everyone. I'm here to proudly announce that that bay is now the Gulf of America. That's Bant Muehling on the electric guitar, John Dees on the keys, and Dee Madness on the bass guitar.
How about one more time for the real Marcus King that was just up here, huh? One of the best musicians in the world here in the live music capital of the world, the live comedy capital of the world. And we will be right back. Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. You guys ready to start tonight's show?
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Chapter 2: What upcoming events does Tony Hinchcliffe mention?
All right. Sometimes there's three. Sometimes there's two. A night like this, it's a one-guest show. And the reason why is because this guy is truly one of the frontrunners already for 2025 Guest of the Year. He is one of the funniest human beings on planet Earth. His brand-new... Debut one-hour special is out right now.
It's called Hey America, and you can find it on Matt and Shane's secret podcast YouTube. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for one of the funniest human beings in the world, James McCann, everyone. Here he is. Fresh up of being the guest in an arena on New Year's Eve here at the H-E-B Center.
Are we going to address that during the commercial break that was the most insane and rowdy back and forward? Why would we address that? Because it was during a commercial break, James. You could have said anything just now and it would have been better than, can we ignore it?
Let me tell you, it's worth coming to the show and not watching it online because there was a full weird situation in the commercial break. It's a sold-out show every week, but yes, that's a good lesson. Found out you loved antiquing. Wow, that's true. You think you can just bury that you love antiquing and we're not all going to want to talk about it? We all love antiquing.
When you're a millionaire, you're going to be into antiquing too, James. It's fun to buy old baller-ass shit in the middle of Texas.
Let me tell you. You wouldn't know yet.
Tiny with all the gay rumors floating around was quick to kibosh his love of antiquity. I'm out. I'm out. It's no longer a rumor. I'm out. You would be such a good Antiques Roadshow host as well. I want to. It's worth nothing! Get him out! Antique road show with Tony Hinge. Antique road show. That's it. He owns like eight thrones. All right, James. It's three. It's three thrones.
Hey, America, out now on YouTube. Comedy special. Yeah. So that he can buy a fucking throne. You futon in a coffee table having son of a bitch. This guy watches TV on a fucking MacBook. We have the cheapest projector from Walmart so the children don't get addicted. It's a good... It's a good policy. James is one of the greatest guests in the show's history. He is present.
He is fucking hilarious. And he knows how it works. 200 people, literally 200 exactly people signed up for tonight's bucket. There are 200 motherfucking pieces of paper in here. I'm going to let the shocked Asian girl in the front row pick first. That one right there. And I take the piece of paper, I pass it along, and they go and wrangle the person.
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Chapter 3: What are the highlights of James McCann's comedy career?
I did it. I did it.
I read this on Twitter. This was a white nationalist talking point that I didn't like, but I saw it. But apparently white guys have the strongest grip strength and black guys on average have very low grip strength. I read this. And apparently one of the theories was this is why people don't do handshakes. It's all slapping and fist bumping to not expose.
But every black guy in the green room is crushing this. That's not true at all. What do you mean you're black, Martin? I'm just saying, I have this other grip to a black person. And you both do crip walk sometimes. Hey, hey, hey, hey. What is this, the halftime show? Look at this fucking guy. This is crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cool, okay. Martin, how has life been going for you?
What else is going on? It's good. I've been traveling around a lot, doing shows and whatnot, and pretty busy always. Always going somewhere.
Yeah.
Yep. As you can tell by the sound of his voice, he's also now in charge of the health of the United States of America. It's working out. Yeah. Guys who sound like this are doing well. That's true. That is true. That is the voice of a winner. Martin, you got tonight's show started. You are a fucking legend. Everybody loves you. He's absolutely killing it. Thank you, guys.
the one and only martin phillips and now it begins to the bucket we go we're gonna meet someone all together at once and uh that's the show you know we find we found martin out of the bucket we found william out of the bucket oh my goodness it's a lovely heidi ladies and gentlemen unbelievable such such beauty that james just missed his mouth with his beer it had nothing to do with yes it did
You just poured a beer on your own chest, you creepazoid. Shut up, Tony. Shut up. It didn't happen. What a pervert you are. My God. I treat all women with dignity and respect. Let's move on, please. Jesus Christ almighty. What's the name? You're spilling beer because his grip is so weak. Ladies and gentlemen, your first bucket full of the night. A brand new minute.
We're going to meet them all together. Make some noise for Kojak Kareemz, everybody. Kojak Kareemz. Here comes Kojak.
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Chapter 4: What personal stories does James share during the episode?
We play video games together. Oh. Wow, yeah. You guys put the gay in games. Wow. So you guys just play video games and fuck. That's right. Sounds awesome, actually. Yeah, it's amazing. It's amazing. It's Red Band. Red Band is figuring out his new lifestyle. Get a discount at the steak place also? I mean... This is the life. Come check me out. I'll take care of you. Hell yeah.
He just, he exclusively eats. At the restaurant. At the restaurant. Come to the restaurant. I'll take care of you. Okay. All right. James. It's business and pleasure at that restaurant by the sounds of things. Goodness me.
You suck one dick on accident and they call you gay.
Tell me about it. You did seem over-eager to hear about how a gay relationship could work. Well, it is exciting. Like I said, there's never a gay relationship. The lesbians manage to do it every single time. Lesbians are straight into a relationship. Gay guys, very, very rarely. Where would you meet them at? Back home in Philly.
We're both from Philly.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But where in Philly? Like, what were you guys doing?
Let's see here.
Is it off a website or something?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Instagram. You saw me on Instagram. It hit me up.
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Chapter 5: How much rent are you paying a month?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, you're nailing it. Right. So how do you make money to pay your rent? I've done enough shows. I mean, before I moved into the place, I saved a bunch of money. How much exactly did you save? This is turning into a financial problem. I know, yeah.
Chapter 6: How do you make money to pay your rent?
Holy fuck. How much did you save exactly? People are going to find this unbelievably fascinating. There's a lot of people out there wondering, hey, should I start? How much should I save? I live at my parents' house. What should I do? Well, I definitely advise not to do stand-up comedy.
Chapter 7: What do you eat to survive?
Well, I bet you would want nobody else to start stand-up comedy. Yes. I bet that would help your market share. Then I get to pay rent. Yeah. Okay. How much did you save? Like $2,000. $2,000. Absolutely. Yes. D-Madness cracking up. D-Madness literally verbally laughing out loud. The guy's blind and is like, don't do stand-up comedy. Yes, 100%. Okay, you stated the very obvious there.
How much, wait, no, I'm curious. How much money do you make doing stand-up comedy, Tom? Okay, all right. Is it $3,000 a month? Okay. No?
Chapter 8: How does one even get into cake decorating?
Okay. What do you mean? Yes. It's only $3,000 a month? Yes. Oh, my God. How much is your rent? Okay. Yes, somehow it's... All right. I don't have rent anymore, Shiva. Oh, I forgot. Yeah, you own. I understand that. Okay. But I do have payments that I have to make. D-Madness is literally losing his mind right now.
Actually, you've lost a lot of weight.
Shiva, over here. Sorry, sorry, sir. Stick with me. Sorry. So, how do you survive? Tell the truth. No, that's honestly it. What do you eat? I mooch off of... What did you eat today?
I had a fucking orange and a bunch of grapes, actually.
I just drove from Dallas. I was doing a show there. Drove here. All that you ate today was an orange and a bunch of grapes.
Yeah.
That's it. Are you sure?
I woke up at like 3 p.m.
Why did you wake up at 3?
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