Transcript generated automatically by AI and may contain errors.
Chapter 1: What is discussed at the start of this section?
Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv.
And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.
Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe!
Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? yeah make some noise for brian red band ladies and gentlemen oh my god and how about one more time for the best damn band in all the land raul fernando castillo carlos sosa nachos belgrande huevos rancheros and the great Michael Gonzalez on the drums, ladies and gentlemen. They call him Big Mike.
Some people are saying that he grows inches every week. Matt Muehling on the electric guitar, John Dees on the keys, and live in the flesh, let him hear you, the one and only Dee Madness, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, my God. This episode is brought to you by Talkspace, Open Phone, and Takovas. We have a bunch of other amazing sponsors as well. Here's a little bit more from them right now.
Are you guys really ready to start tonight's show? I'm telling you, it's about to go down every single week. And we're really doing it, Red Band. Oh, I forgot to mention, this is the first episode that we've ever taped. 12 years and two months of doing this show nonstop. Never missed a Monday release.
This is the first time in our history, right now, and it might only last one week, in which we are actually the number one podcast in the world. So, very exciting. A wild, wild accomplishment. Don't tell the guy that owns the club. But this week, we are the number one podcast. Oopsie, Daisy. Sorry, boss. We're all best friends. It's all very exciting.
Speaking of best friends, I booked two on tonight's show. An absolute legendary episode ahead of us. Ladies and gentlemen, two of the best to ever be on this show. You're here. You're lucky. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for our guests. The return of Duncan Trussell and Ian Fidance. Yeah. Ian Fidance. Yeah. Duncan Trussell. Oh, yeah. It's going down. It is going down. We have fun.
Every Monday, you guys have done this show before. Very exciting. Here we are, absolutely thriving in showbiz, unlike Stephen Colbert, who no longer is employed. Jimmy Kimmel is next. They will all fall in line and bend the knee to me, the new young king. And my guests are Ian Fightance and Duncan Trussell this week. Duncan was my first ever favorite comedian in the world live 18 years ago.
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Chapter 2: How does the show celebrate its milestones?
No, homophobic grandma with a penis. Oh, yeah. I love that. Yeah, my grandma, she has a site. I'll give you her website. Great.
It's a porn website for you to jerk off to.
What? Dude, I already jerked off to your grandma. Under the table. I am hard as a rock, though. It's rare comedians can mix eroticism with such great jokes.
What the fuck is real? Yeah, I don't know. I don't understand. I'm a little confused. Just to make sure your grandma doesn't have a dick, right? No, she doesn't have a dick. It's a joke. I'm sorry, guys. Did you guys ever fight? No, we didn't fight too much. Did she bake at all? Was anything real, Heath? No. Did you even like cookies? Well, I loved her cookies. I loved her cookies, Ian.
I loved her cookies. That wasn't the thing. She did make me feel guilty for eating the cookies, and that's where the art came from, you know? I love it. I love it. Heath, let's talk about real life for a second. You're a little bit of a rock star around these parts, right? You work at the Mothership like five nights a week at least, and you're always around. You're doing shows all around town.
Everybody knows Heath Cordes, the little legend. Yeah, it's fun on 6th Street. It makes me feel pretty cool. Yeah, speaking of which, I was given a little bit of information that you might not know that I know. Oh, no. Yeah, I was shown video. I believe it was Saturday night. Breaking news. Breaking news.
I was shown a little video on Saturday night, and someone said to me, one of the managers here goes, ooh, you know about your boy? Uh-oh. And I go, no, and which boy? And they go, Little Heath. The boy. The boy. The true boy. The one true youngling. And they showed me video of them carrying you and throwing you in the backseat of an Uber. Because what happened there, Heath?
Tell us exactly what went down. I got pretty drunk. I got pretty drunk, and I thought I went home. I remember the Waymo trip, and I thought that I went directly home, but apparently I went to Mitzi's in between, and I got carried out of Mitzi's by a security guy, and I pissed myself in the Waymo. Wow. Wow. That's Waymo that we needed to know. Wow.
How do you know that you pissed yourself in the way, Mal? Because my pants were very wet the next morning. The next morning they were still wet.
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Chapter 3: What challenges did Little Hobo face after his last appearance?
I can't do whiskey. Of course. Yeah, I just do Jell-O shots. Okay, no, seriously. What do you really drink? Like, that night that you pissed yourself in a Waymo, what did you really drink? Yeah, like, lemon drops and gay shit. Like, Jell-O shots. Really? I don't think I'm gay, but, like, I drink gay. That's okay. That's okay. Nothing wrong with that.
Wow.
Amazing, Heath. Well, I mean, I love it, you know? Me and all my friends, we all grew up at the comedy store. You know, it was our college experience, and it's fun to get to watch you go through it. Look at you, hitting a vape pen up here. Like, you can't, like, I'm not about to send you off. He's just got to show off. Oh, yeah, I'm a real, I'm a real boy. Just a vaping boy.
Can't wait 15 more seconds for that hot hit of vape.
Sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
But we love you, Heath. It's so fun to watch you grow physically and mentally here at the Mothership. We love you, you young buck. You're on your way to wild success. Can I champion one thing on the show real quick? Please. Sure, Heath. I had a threesome! Whoa, okay! Hold your fucking horses. Now we got something to talk about. Now we got something to talk about. Yes, black power, absolutely.
Holy, whoa, whoa, Heath. Whoa, whoa, no, don't do that, Heath. God damn it, stop doing that, Heath. Don't do that, you little rabble rouser. Settle down. Settle down, you crazy bastard. Jesus Christ. Trying to get away from the whole Nazi thing. God damn it. Fascist Tony Hinchcliffe has 11-year-old Nazi training the Hitler youth over here.
He looks like the kind of genetic freak Hitler was trying to get rid of.
Damn. Let's talk about this threesome, or as many people are calling it already, a two-and-a-half-some. What happened? How did it go down? Let's talk about it, Heath. It was a very hot lady who had an OnlyFans account. Uh-huh. And I made out with her, like, a year ago. Uh-huh. And I wasn't supposed to do that because I was dating somebody at the time. Whoa.
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Chapter 4: What insights about stand-up comedy does the episode provide?
Thank you, Duncan. His threesome was just him and a baby Bjorn while two people fucked.
So, Heath, take us through it. How does it go down? You're at a strip club? Is that what you said? I met her at the strip club, yeah. And then we went to her place. And I don't remember a whole lot of it.
But I do remember that both of them did stuff to my penis. You were molested.
This is what a show this is, right? One second he's doing Nazi salutes, the next he's admitting to being molested. All to start the show. So you just, that's what you remember? That's what I remember, Tony. Do you remember anything else? Were your pants wet the next morning? Yeah, they were a little wet.
Yeah, they were a little wet. Did they film it?
You said it was OnlyFans. I sure hope they didn't film it. Oh my God. It's your OnlyFans. Nope. Nope. Nope. Any other details about it that you remember? Nah, I just remember feeling shame the next day. You felt shame?
Yeah, I felt shame.
Imagine how they felt. They're like, what the fuck did we do last night? They felt nothing. Just rare stripper guilt. The rare SG. All right. The show has begun under the unbelievable control of Heath Cordes, ladies and gentlemen. Great job. And now we go to the bucket. You guys know this is the part where things can get a little bit wacky because we're meeting people. Anything can happen.
A lot of these people's hearts are beating out of their fucking chest because minutes before they have no idea that they're going up. And all of a sudden now they're on the biggest comedy show in the world. This looks like a fake name, but I'm going to read it anyway. We're going to see what happens here. Ladies and gentlemen, your first bucket pool of the name goes by Tony Pepperoni. Oh, my God.
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Chapter 5: How do comedians handle anger during performances?
See, that's what I'm talking about. That's how you answer a question on Kill Tony, honestly.
Do you punch yourself when you're angry and stuff like that?
I throw things very hard sometimes, but I try not to do it anymore because, yeah, it scares people. That's true.
That is true.
Chapter 6: What happened during a recent show in Appleton?
So, Hans, what else is going on in life? Well, the shows in Appleton were great. There was a... Yeah. And you had to do, what, two hour-long sets?
Three, two Saturday, one Sunday to make up for the Friday. So I was just like four days away from home just without the teacher salary. Yeah. And, you know, there was a pregnant lady in the show, and she had a seizure during my set.
Wow.
Chapter 7: What is the significance of having a bulletproof vest?
A pregnant lady had a seizure during your set in Appleton, Wisconsin.
Yeah, she was fine. She couldn't handle her liquor. No, I'm just kidding.
That's the joke the husband made. Okay, giving credit where it's due.
But yeah, I was like, name the kid after me. But yeah, she was seasoned up. I guess that's something that women do when they're pregnant.
No it isn't!
I don't know, maybe she was a liberal. Was it at a specific joke? Was there something that, what it was?
Yeah, it was like, you know, the Chinese, a lot of people were racist to the Chinese during the pandemic, which as a Korean, I say, let them have it. They're the ones that decided to eat bats and pangolins.
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Chapter 8: How do comedians navigate their dating lives?
I was just eating dogs like a good Asian. That's right. Hans still got it. Wow. Everything else is good, Hans? What else is going on?
I have a bulletproof vest now.
What the fuck is going on with you, Hans?
He's the Virginia Tech Shooter 2.0.
I mean, yeah, it's a force multiplier. I have a battle belt.
What do you mean? Wait, what?
What's a force? What do you mean? Like, if you have a bulletproof vest, it multiplies how much force you can inflict on your enemies.
What?
What do you mean?
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