Transcript generated automatically by AI and may contain errors.
Chapter 1: What is discussed at the start of this section?
Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out ShopSquad.TV for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.TV.
And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.
Hey, this is Rampant coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchcliffe!
Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Make some fucking noise for Brian Redband. What's up? And how about one more time for the best damn band in all the land, ladies and gentlemen. Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, Nachos Belgrande, the great Matt Muehling on the electric guitar, John Dees, the leader of the band on the keys.
And believe it or not, live in the flesh, this is D-Madness, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, my God. This episode's brought to you by ExpressVPN, Shopify, and PrizePix. This episode is un-fucking-believable. Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? How many of you consider yourselves big fans of Kill Tony?
Well, you're in for a special treat. Every week I book this mamma-jamma as good as I possibly can. This is a three-panel night. Three fucking panelists. You guys are in for such a special treat as I introduce... Elaine, Sam Talent, and Mike Feeney. Oh my God. Sam Talent, Mike Feeney, and Elaine! Elaine is here, ladies and gentlemen.
She looks awfully familiar, looks like a Hall of Famer, a guest of the year, reigning, defending, but she's a sweet lady.
Comedy Mothership, how we doing? Make some fucking noise if you feel good about this show. I can't hear you! Make some fucking noise!
Let me just say this real quick. Tony, good to see you. You still look hungry. Redbin, you look like you drowned two weeks ago. I'm staying at a La Quinta Inn just down the street. My friend Tony Caruso got me a hookup on the room, but let me say this about the hotel. There's blood on the sheets, there's cum on the floor, and say it with me, no breakfast! Hit me, Mike. Let's get it going.
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Chapter 2: Who are the featured guests in this episode?
I really liked Steve Irwin, I'm not gonna lie, when I grow up. I did. No, my mom let me stay home when the stingray got him and I watched the funeral service. I cried for two days. It was tough. Crikey. That is some Canadian bullshit if I've ever heard it. My hero was Steve Irwin. Yeah. Yeah, how come it wasn't Rick Moranis? I don't know. Joey Moss was pretty sick, too, growing up watching him.
Who the fuck is that? Joey Moss was the equipment manager for the Edmonton Oilers.
He was Wayne Gretzky's, like, girlfriend at the time. Well, like, brother, sorry. And then he became the equipment manager, but then he was a staple in the Edmonton scene, and he's just a good positive person.
Oh, it's so funny how little your culture touches our heart, Shane. That guy's probably on a fucking stamp up there.
And I'm like, oh, what did he do? He fucking banged Wayne Gretzky. No, I don't know. And then you got like Terry Fox and shit. Wait, the Terry Fox? Terry Fox, yeah. You have no idea who that is. Well, you guys are asking me about Canada. You guys don't even know, but it's whatever. Oh, we don't even know. We don't even know. This is what you've been waiting for the whole time.
Tony's just been lighting me up being like, one day I will really get you.
And this is it. When he says that, is he talking through a trach scar?
He's smoking a cigarette. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You watch that. You're going to have one of those one day. I have a lot of friends with tracheotomies. You do? Most of my friends, well, most of my friends are dead or have AIDS, but most of them that are alive have tracheotomies because they smoke a lot. I love to smoke. I see you smoke. Let's spark one up, bitch.
All right, we're going to, Elaine. Let's get Danny out of here. Danny, good job. Way to get the show started, Danny Martinello. I'll light one up right after this bucket pool gets called. Danny did 60 seconds, but now we're to the bucket. This is where shit gets crazy. We don't know these people. Very rarely have we ever seen them before.
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Chapter 3: What are the unique aspects of the Kill Tony format?
Yes. I had a few jobs before that. I'm a college dropout. I dropped out to take care of my dad.
Okay. When did your dad pass away?
Last year. And what was he doing with his life up until that point? So he made all of his money as a real estate owner. He had his own business bailing people out of the 2008 tax crisis, the housing crisis. Yeah. So that's how he made all of his money by the loans from the bank and then Got it. Cover it. Amazing.
ALS, an unbelievably terrible disease. The late, great Michael Lehrer had it. One of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. One of the funniest people and one of my old best friends. It's terrible to watch people go.
Is that Lou Gehrig's?
Yes, sir. Did he get a tit-fuck Elaine because of that?
He would have. Yeah, the best way. Charity. My joke was real. His dick did still work for... Surprisingly long time. They do work.
Michael is banging his nurse down to the finish line.
Is wild.
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Chapter 4: How do personal stories influence the comedy?
And oh, this is fascinating, because I'm from Montana, drove out east. Actually, I was... Slow it down.
You're doing good, Dex.
You're doing good.
You're doing good. You don't want to slow it down too much here.
You're doing just fine. There was a, seriously, a 400-pound, when I was losing, the church was like, oh, go help that lady. And so I did for two years. You helped a 400-pound lady. She was a hoarder, Marine, hell yeah, or hoorah. Uh-huh. Shout out. She wanted her cousin to move in with her, so we got it ready. And then I flew out to Baltimore and lost my mind. I was three days homeless out there.
And then the guy in Helena is like, don't call the cops. Because I finally, I tore up my credit card and then went to the hospital. Oh, yeah, I remember Carrot Top, even though I didn't use his number. But yeah, I called my dad and he came and rescued me. That's crazy. How does Carrot Top fit into this? Because I was using 1-800-CALL-ATT and I was like, Carrot Top.
And he's like, nah, that's not his number.
Ah, you made a collect call. Yeah. The name that you used was Carrot Top.
Yeah, that's the fastest I've ever told that story. That's good. No, you're doing good. How many times a week would you say you use fentanyl? Ooh, I was, oh, I shouldn't say this.
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Chapter 5: What personal experience does Frankie share about his relationship?
And we were together for four more years until she read the 15 years of my text messages and photos, and that was that.
All right. Frankie Magoo, ladies and gentlemen, with one of the most, what has to be one of the most, one of the most, one of the most, How do I... What do I say? What would I call this? One of the most silent receptions of the night. Your first comedian with absolute zero mental illness. And you guys wonder how the golden ticket winners get the golden tickets.
I mean, this is what happens when you were raised with two parents.
Chapter 6: What are the comedic observations made about Frankie Magoo?
Am I correct? They were in your life the whole time? Still together?
Chapter 7: What challenges does Frankie face as a new stand-up comedian?
Yes. Yes, I can tell. No trauma whatsoever. No, they hate one another. No childhood trauma at all. This is my first time at stand-up. It's adorable. Okay, then you're okay.
For sure. My original Instagram name was Cracker Barrel Kid 55.
Wow. Amazing. So you've been watching this show for a long time.
Day one.
Day one.
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Chapter 8: What significant event does Frankie recount involving his neighbor?
I love it. Well, you should have done a joke, Frankie. Yeah. But I love it. You decided to go with the true story. You took a chance. Pauly Shore and Good Gracious. Yeah, you're in it. What you got going on back there? It's amazing.
What are you saying? You got lost in Pauly Shore's eyes and that's why you bombed? That's a fact.
Whoa. Frankie, this is the first time we've had, oh, D Madness is back. Yeah, D Madness. Hey, D. So, Frankie, let's talk about it. It's your first time doing stand-up. Why did you not practice at an open mic or something like that?
I've tried a few open mics around, but they've just been general, you know, 8 to 15, 20 people crowds. And I moved to Austin four or five months ago.
Did you do stand-up? No. Oh. No, I moved for work. Okay, what do you do for a living? Affordable housing, finance, development. So I... Yeah, yeah. Wow, okay. All right, guys. I never said that I was good at comedy. It's okay. I love these people. We love you, Frankie. It's okay. It's all right. Everybody's got to start somewhere, right? That's right.
Tell us something interesting about your life that we might find funny. You have an unbelievably, ridiculously powerful hairline. You have no childhood trauma. Your parents are together. My parents. There's nothing funny about you so far. But we're trying to find it. This is the part where I try to dig deep into your soul and figure out what might be funny about you. So help me to understand.
What do you think might be something? You've watched a lot of the show. You've seen almost every episode. You know how this part works. Give us some vulnerability or something. Because your hair is about to eat your eyebrows. Your life is so perfect. You need this so not at all that... That there's just nothing happening. There was two comedians up here.
Between the two of them, they had 15 personalities. And you have zero. And yet you stand there, just like they did, holding the same mic that they did. Help me find out what might be inside of there. What do you got? Anything? I bet you just have a huge cock and everything, don't you? You got two laptops, a Costco card, and when you come, you say, good gracious, don't you? Exactly.
I couldn't have said it better myself, Elaine. You fucking sexy bitch. You earned yourself a titty grab. That's right.
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