Transcript generated automatically by AI and may contain errors.
Chapter 1: What is discussed at the start of this section?
Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts.
Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out ShopSquad.TV for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.TV. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.
Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchcock!
Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? is the best damn band in all the land. Make some noise for them, huh? You are at the number one live podcast in the world. Kill Tony brought to you this week by Blue Chew Prize Picks and Talkspace. What an amazing episode we have lined up for y'all. This is the hardest ticket to get in town, South by Southwest week.
So congratulations to you guys. This sold out in seconds. So for the few of you lucky enough to be here at this show, congratulations to you. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made this all possible. You said this place was steps from the water. We just haven't found the steps yet. How much did we save? Enough.
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A dog reacting to the word, what?
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Chapter 2: How does the show celebrate its live audience?
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Um, you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? This is an exciting one. It's unbelievable. You know, sometimes you have people from New York, LA, this, that. This one's special because this is one of the best comedians in the world right now and one of the greatest fighters of all time.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present two of the baddest motherfuckers on planet Earth, Ari Matty and Dustin Poirier. Oh! the great Dustin Poirier. Ari Matty on fucking panel tonight, everybody. Here we go! Oh, my God. We're going to have so much fun. Ari Matty's been on tour. Go check him out. He's on the biggest tour of his life at arimatty.com. How's it going, buddy?
Yes, I was in Florida, so you can see by the way I dress now, things are different. I'm selling cocaine. It's cut in half with baby powder, but that's another thing.
I love it. I just snort the baby powder. Yeah. I say, leave the cocaine out of it. I want a Goo Goo Gaga. Dustin motherfucking Poirier, ladies and gentlemen. The fighting pride of Louisiana. Future UFC Hall of Famer. And somehow you are on panel tonight. And I didn't expect to be, so I'm a little, like, It's good, it's good. It's going to be great. I'm planning to be a spectator, but we're here.
If anybody roasts you or makes fun of you or anything, just beat the shit out of them. You can do it on this show. We give you full permission. If it fucks up our ads or anything, we'll blur it. But people will know that you're winning, for sure.
You know, I did MMA, too. I went 0-3. You can go on Sherdog.com. You can check it out. Yeah, 0 and 3.
If I tried stand-up comedy, I'd be 0 and 10.
I don't know about that.
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Chapter 3: What makes this episode special during South by Southwest?
I was really good at the gym, but when the lights hit you, I'm a bitch.
And I see the opposite side of that. I see guys great in the gym. When the lights hit you, they suck. I see guys suck in the gym. When the lights hit them, they're world champions.
Damn. Yeah, I could be a world champion, I guess.
Well, I promise you that's going to happen on this show tonight. There are going to be people that think they are the best in the world and their name is going to get called and the lights are going to hit them. They're going to realize that millions of people around the world are watching them and the pressure is going to get to them.
And some people are going to be terrible open micers and somehow we're going to fall in love with them, perhaps. But then again, maybe none of that happens. Anything can happen. If I pull their name out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know, their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten.
That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which rudely interrupts them. And then I conduct an interview, live, completely improvised, and anything can happen. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? I'm going to pull a name out of the bucket.
And while we go wrangle this human from the dilapidated bar next door, I have a golden ticket winner who is back. And I mean, this kid's a freak. He was on the first Netflix episode taping here. And he's a monster. This guy's built for comedy. We will see what he's got for us tonight. This is a brand new minute from golden ticket winner Pat O'Neill, everybody. Hey! I'm on Tinder now.
Grindr was too easy. I needed a challenge. I don't settle for that easy shit. Found my ex on that other app. Google Maps. Got you, bitch. Fucking try and run from me. Dummy. I cheated on her like she was a math test. With a Chinese boy. But, you know, that's college for you. went on a date with an older gal recently, told me she was going through menopause.
I was like, oh, well, your mouth still gets wet, right? Fucking, we can make this work. Let's not get all hasty. A lot of the women I've dated have been single moms after I'm through with them. And... Well, cause and effect. Other night in bed, this black girl told me to eat her ass. I was like, I thought I already was. What's this thing then? So much going on down here. This is all so new to me.
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Chapter 4: Who are the featured guests in this episode?
What the fuck? I don't know why that would be your first go-to. Do you have interesting paint colors at your apartment? You're right back to your normal level of questions, I see. Do you have normal paint colors in your apartment? Are there any plants? There's no fucking way this guy's got a plant.
Everything is dead in that apartment.
I got a candle recently. I felt fancy about that. Is it a scented candle? Yeah. What is the scent of that candle? It's like fucking vanilla or something. Wow, look at you, Mr. Romance. Yeah, yeah. Just one candle. Yeah, I'm working my way up. What's the candle sitting on? Is it like a dining room table, a side table? Yeah, a table. What kind of table? I'm curious.
Is it a children's school desk or something like that? No, that'd be dope. See, you're into weird shit. It's a four-legged wooden table. Okay. What are its dimensions? Give me a ballpark here. Three by... Ten by... Six... We talking feet or inches here? This is a massive table. It's quite the regal table in such a... Six feet. You're right, I have no idea.
Ten foot by six foot with nothing on the wall. The apartment is ten foot square foot. He lives in an interrogation room, ladies and gentlemen. We're finding out a lot about Pat O'Neill. You're so far from it. Have a seat. He just lights one candle in the middle of this giant table. What are you, a king? I just fucking write jokes and stare at a monitor. I get it. It shows, brother.
Like I said, you are an absolute fucking hilarious motherfucker. It's incredible. I'm going to throw Dustin under the bus here. What do you think about this guy? Whatever you say, there's no wrong answer. I don't know, man. Thinking of this guy coming home to an empty, clean wall apartment, it's kind of freaky, man. I agree. See? He is scarier than you, somehow.
Yeah.
Somehow he is scarier. Somehow he's way scarier than you. Then he said, watch a movie like the Dahmer. You're going to just watch a movie. For sure. What's your kink? Ooh, good question. You have a thing. Missionary. Wow. You stare into your eyes. Yeah. Missionary on a giant empty table with one candle. Pat, you're the fucking man, dude.
Thank you, Tony.
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Chapter 5: What unexpected event happened during a sales meeting?
His daughter's my age. And I'm about to close like a 60K deal. And he's like, I'll buy it if I can see it. And I was like, what? And he was like, I'll buy it if I can see it. And then the guy groped me.
Chapter 6: How did the conversation shift to experiences with solar panels?
Fucking grabbed my dick.
60K sale though.
Yeah. Hey, anything for the clothes. Anything for the fucking clothes, dude. That's just a grope. It's just a grope, yeah. That's warm-up, dude. Yeah, dude, I fucking... That's jujitsu. What were you selling? Solar panels. And did you close that deal? No, I ran out of the house. I fucking froze. What a pussy. Oh, Jesus Christ.
These days you can't even grab dude's cock. They just run out like, oh, fucking pussies.
Wow.
As soon as you ran out, he must have been like, haha, fag.
Yeah. Started up his diesel engine that he runs everything off of in the back. My move would be, I'm already hard by the time you grope me.
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Chapter 7: What humorous experiences are shared about past jobs?
Who's scared now? I'm ready. I'm ready, dude. How much money did you make selling solar panels door-to-door commission? I worked for them for like four months. I probably made like three grand.
Wow.
Fucking awful. Yeah. It's awful. All I got was my fucking honked dick. Right. What's the sales pitch for a solar panel? Oh, God. You care about the environment? No. Okay.
Neither do I. Okay, yes, I do, I do, I do. I love it, I love it, I love, I love. You love the environment? I love it.
You like the sun? I love the sun. You want to make money from the sun? Hell yeah. Honk. There you go. Give us some more jobs, Chase. Give us some more of your wacky jobs.
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Chapter 8: What unique hobbies does Flash mention?
I worked at Home Depot. I worked in the garden department, a.k.a. the milf department. Whew. Yeah, tell us about that. I need a hose. Yeah, I bet you didn't mind getting groped there, huh? No, dude, I was looking for it in the back. I was like, come here, you want to water this plant? I was forklift certified, and this was in Boulder, Colorado.
There was a dispo right behind it, so on my lunch break, I'd go get high as fuck and just drive the forklift around. I had friends. That's all those videos, you know, when a forklift just takes down the whole warehouse. It's this guy. Yeah. I had friends that worked with me. And, like, you need two people. Like, you've been in Home Depot. You know, the guy with the forklift.
They got flags and shit. I'd bring my buddy over, and we'd just pull shit down and put it back up with no purpose. Yeah. He's like, I'm on the forklift. You're not going to tell me I'm not doing my job. Anything you need, Dave. What city was this in where there's white guys working at Home Depot again? Boulder, Colorado. Boulder, Colorado. One of the safest, ranked the best city to live in.
It's like true or something. It is. I'm lucky I came from Boulder to here. Okay. Give us another job. Another job. Oh, man. I was a recruiter. It's your favorite sound in the world. I was a recruiter. I sold people. Not like that. All right. Okay, I guess we ran out of funny jobs. Oh, I was a caddy. I was a caddy for a little bit. That was very unique.
You were pretty caddy towards the guy that groped you. Could have had solar panels. I'm kidding. All right, Matty, what's cooking over there? What do you think about this guy? What did you say before he grabbed your cock? I think I said something like, you want to do this? I was probably giving him the wrong idea. I was like, are we doing this or not, man? Oh, we're doing it.
Maybe I got the story confused. You said he had a daughter that was your age. Was she there when he did that? No, he was like a married man with daughters. So he was like a closeted gay guy. And they were like in the house and he's like talking shit about how much he hated his wife. And then he was just like, let's see it. Wow. Incredible.
Chase, what's another fun fact about your life that we would find very interesting? Before I got into stand-up, I did like a year of acting and self-tapes, and then I found comedy through acting. I like this way more. Yeah. Well, you're good, man. You did a good job tonight. Great job. Here's a big joke book. Thank you. Boom. Chase Sandin, ladies and gentlemen.
We have a special treat for you guys. Performing for you tonight is one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the entire show's history, ladies and gentlemen. You know her. You love her. Make some noise for the great Fiona Cawley, everybody. She's here. Live.
In the flesh. The one and the only.
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