Going beyond 'sorry for your loss' when a friend is grieving
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How can I effectively support a grieving friend?
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You're listening to Life Kit from NPR. Hey, everybody. It's Marielle. We're starting this episode in the top drawer of a dresser in reporter Julia Furlan's living room. In that drawer is a small decorative bag filled with a few little things.
Okay, here it is. I can't believe I found it. There's a pair of avocado socks. They're purple with little avocados. Fortune teller fish. It's a miracle fish. Night garden mix. Hudson Valley Seed Company. Deep cleansing pink clay mud mask. Doesn't say when it expired. That says, you're my queen. Featuring... the Queen of England in a flower crown. I bought this when the Queen of England had not died.
Julia is describing a care package that she intended to send to her friend whose mom passed away in 2022. She reported this episode in 2024.
This bag represents a total fail in supporting my friend.
When you're grieving the loss of a loved one, I mean, it's overwhelming, right? It's all-encompassing. And supporting someone through that can also be overwhelming and awkward. Like, you don't know the right thing to say. which is why you might end up with a care package in your drawer that you haven't sent.
Don't be like me, folks.
On today's episode of Life Kit, we're talking about how to support people in your life who are grieving. We're going to hear from experts and folks who've lost a loved one about the ways that grief affected them and what kind of support they wanted.
I started my reporting by calling up one of my dearest friends, Avi Wisnia.
How am I doing today? I'm okay.
Uh-huh. Yeah.
Yeah. This season, you know, is when I lost both my brother and my father.
So technically, I guess that means you're an expert. I'm sorry, and you're welcome.
Yeah, that's a weird thing to be called an expert in grief, but I get it. I get it.
Avi lost his brother Dove to a brain tumor in 2012 and lost his dad, Eric, last year.
So it's really interesting. The changing of the seasons itself brings out that time, the time when my brother got sick, and then the time when finding out that we suddenly lost my father. So... It's strange to have it tied to like a season like that.
When the leaves start falling, I always think about Avi's dad and brother who were both incredibly charismatic people. And I think of how sometimes I felt a little uncomfortable about how to talk to him about these huge losses. Like really, what could I ever say that would help?
I think sometimes as a supporter, there's a lot of pressure that you place on yourself because in your mind you may be thinking, I need to bring something. I need to say the right thing. I need to do this thing. When the truth is there's nothing right that you can do.
These wise words come from Dr. Mikael Harris, a psychologist and certified grief therapist and author of the book, Relaxing Into the Pain. And she says that supporting a person who's grieving isn't about saying the exact right thing at the exact right time. She says that supporting a grieving heart is about being a witness.
And because of that, one of the best things you can do, which is going to sound maybe paradoxical, is to actually bring up the lost.
Dr. Harris says that our intention might be to avoid the loss in conversation because we don't want our grieving friend to remember it. But avoiding the topic doesn't actually make it go away. So our first takeaway is to be a witness to the grief. Don't be afraid to bring up the person they lost. Avi actually said the same thing.
Remembering my brother and remembering my father and hearing wonderful stories about them. Like, I will never... not want to hear that i always want to hear good things and memories of them even if it makes me a little sad i i want to hear that and it i i always appreciate it
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