Chapter 1: How can I effectively support a grieving friend?
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You're listening to Life Kit from NPR. Hey, everybody. It's Marielle. We're starting this episode in the top drawer of a dresser in reporter Julia Furlan's living room. In that drawer is a small decorative bag filled with a few little things.
Okay, here it is. I can't believe I found it. There's a pair of avocado socks. They're purple with little avocados. Fortune teller fish. It's a miracle fish. Night garden mix. Hudson Valley Seed Company. Deep cleansing pink clay mud mask. Doesn't say when it expired. That says, you're my queen. Featuring... the Queen of England in a flower crown.
I bought this when the Queen of England had not died.
Julia is describing a care package that she intended to send to her friend whose mom passed away in 2022. She reported this episode in 2024.
This bag represents a total fail in supporting my friend.
When you're grieving the loss of a loved one, I mean, it's overwhelming, right? It's all-encompassing. And supporting someone through that can also be overwhelming and awkward. Like, you don't know the right thing to say. which is why you might end up with a care package in your drawer that you haven't sent.
Don't be like me, folks.
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Chapter 2: What are the common mistakes people make when offering condolences?
Same goes for it could be worse. Remember, this could be the worst moment of their lives. They don't want to think about what could be worse. This is it. This is the worst part. The second thing to avoid is something like God makes no mistakes.
It might seem helpful, but to anyone who would prefer to, you know, be sitting with their loved one alive in that moment, it doesn't feel great to think about what kinds of things God did or didn't do on purpose. Now, here are some of the things that might be better to say. You can say, I love you. You can say, this is so hard and I'm so sorry it's happening to you.
Or you could simply say, I'm sorry. Ultimately, the exact words don't matter as much as being authentic, specific, and honest. And if you want to tell them that you don't have the right words, but that you care about them, that's a great place to start. I spoke to Marissa Renee Lee, who's a grief expert and author of the book Grief is Love.
Marissa says that there's a particular phrase that you can put in your text message that can really make people feel cared for.
Hey, I'm just I'm thinking of you. You know, I just want to see how you're doing. No need to respond.
No need to respond. If you reach out and you make it clear that you're thinking of them, but they don't need to do anything, that can really lift a weight.
I don't think I realized how much it mattered to other people, that specific framing of you don't need to respond until someone else called me out on it and told me how much it meant to them that they knew that I was there. But they didn't feel any obligation or responsibility or judgment or guilt around communicating what they were feeling.
Whether you're near or far from the grieving person, if you just release the other person from the pressure to respond, you're pouring your care into their well and you're not taking anything from it. Which is the point.
We'll have more Life Kit after the break.
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Chapter 3: Why is it important to witness someone's grief?
In fact, you could be the kind of person who makes Marissa happy cry about Sour Patch Kids more than a decade later.
It was authentic to me, to her, to our relationship, which wasn't super deep. You know, she didn't leave me a letter that was three pages long about how much she loved me and loved my mom because she couldn't do that.
Making a small gesture that says, I see you, can really make an impression on the person who's grieving. Avi's brother was diagnosed with a brain tumor in 2007 at 28 years old. And he had a surgery where they got most of it, which at the time seemed pretty good.
And I remember talking with him after the surgery, and I asked him, So what, like, happened to that part of your brain where, like, the tumor was? Does it just, like, fill back in? And he said, no, there's just, like, a hole there.
Five years later, the tumor came back, and it was inoperable. So Avi's brother, Dov, slowly lost his ability to function.
And then he died. I realized, like, wow, there's this hole in my heart. That will never be filled in. And it will always be there. And I'm just going to have to walk through life with this hole in my heart and figure out how to function with it.
When somebody is grieving, their world, their heart has a hole in it. And if you're supporting them, you're never going to fill that hole or make the pain go away. But you can be there to witness it and hold that pain. Knowing that you don't have to be perfect, let's look at the ways of supporting folks in your life who are grieving.
Takeaway one, witness the grief and don't be afraid to bring up the person that they lost. Takeaway two, saying something can feel awkward. Avoid platitudes and be as specific as possible, even if it's simple. Takeaway three, give practical support as much as you can. Takeaway four, keep reaching out over time. Everyone has a role to play in supporting the grieving person.
So Avi is a musician and songwriter, so I asked him for a song that might play us out that speaks to the grief that he carries. So to all of you who are grieving and supporting grief, this is for you.
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