Chapter 1: What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
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She just gets those feet out wherever the wind may take her. I feel like I am finally a bit submissive. I'll go on the bottom now. I'm a bottom.
You do not need a litre of water for a 5k run. You don't need any water. You don't know what I need.
Would you not homeschool them? That's what the trad wives are doing. They seem to be very happy. You know what? I'll help. No, I can spell difficulty. Not just a pretty face.
Well, well, well. Look at those locks. I can't wait to talk about their hair.
Jo, I don't know if you've noticed, but I have 60 miles of hair. Have you noticed, Joseph?
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Chapter 2: What are the challenges of homeschooling children?
Why are you wearing the hair of 10 people?
Well, if she grew her hair, that's the way it would grow. I've never... The look in that hairdresser's eyes by the end of the day.
So he says, I have six packets of hair of Stano's in my hair.
I think we should give Tommy a shout out on the main and on the bonus if he's still with us. Alive. Because I know how long it takes to put into my fine, pissy hair. But Joanne is like Mufasa.
Tommy Bill Birchall is his name. I have to give him a shout out. He said he's no fingerprints left. It took almost a full day. And they were dying. How many hours? Maybe four, four or five hours. Something like that. That's not bad. It actually wasn't bad. He's a pro. He fucking flew through it. But he was, you could see the life going from behind his eyes.
So I had stenos put in, fake, not fake stenos, but like temporary stenos put in by Hadley. Clip-ins. Clip-ins, exactly. For the Claudia Winkleman show. And I really liked them. It made me feel very feminine. I felt very empowered. And I went, well, Joanne, while you're having your midlife audit, while you're getting your tattoos and buying your houses and adopting pets,
what else do you want to do and I was like get your steno so that's what I've done and when I say I went swimming the other day and the person I was with was like oh my god look at your hair you look like an otter and I was like an otter it's supposed to be a mermaid an otter excuse me Ariel yeah oh look you look like Shrek floating in the no it's supposed to be romantic Fiona
You're going to get green everywhere, Fiona. Get in.
I want to know how you're coping, John, because this is a lot of hair to deal with. And I did warn you about the amount of hair. Yeah. How are you getting on?
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Chapter 3: How did Vogue perform at the London Marathon?
I haven't even told them about the surrogacy thing. I'm just like, let folk have a moment. I'm like, just have another baby.
I see when people say it to me now, they're like, oh my God, congrats. And I know they're looking at me like, what the fuck is wrong with you? Four kids. What the fuck?
I got a very strange message from a woman about you having a fourth child. And you know that we talk about this projection that all the time people are kind of projecting their own issues, traumas, insecurities, paranoias, whatever. And the message was something along the lines of, why is she doing this? Is she trying to show off? And I was like, I obviously didn't engage with the message.
I think your fertility... triggered her in a way, which I don't know. I read it immediately and I was like, oh, this woman has obviously had some, you know, issues along the way. And she's kind of... No, Joanne, she's completely right.
That's why I've had a fourth child. I only wanted to show off. It's a flex. There's literally no other reason except for the fact that I wanted to show off.
It's a fertility flex. It's a fertility flex. And my God, you've made your point. Your point has been made. This woman's got eggs for days.
No, we were on a walk and Spenny was like, oh, you're probably going to want to have... I was talking about Miriam O'Callaghan who had seven kids. Oh, yeah. Eight. Seven kids. I think... Eight! Joe, will you fact check that? How many kids Miriam O'Callaghan has?
Do you know she sent me a beautiful letter? She's very nice, isn't she? She's so kind and I actually must get on to her because I only actually found the letter a week ago.
Eight!
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Chapter 4: What insights does Lena Dunham share in her new memoir?
Now, my walls... Will you get a flower wall?
So for your content, of course.
I'm a basic bitch. I'd like a flower wall if that's possible. Just some hydrangeas and a ring light. That's all I need. And I can go out with art. My garden, I've seen your garden and it is, it's like art. My garden's lovely, but it's just a normal little garden. But I would like, I'd like a flower wall there. If I can make some requests.
Why don't I get you a flower wall for your garden and that can be your moving in present. No, no, let's keep the tack. Let's keep the tack up in yours.
okay fine fine we'll keep all the only oh I can't wait for my fake firewall but I went over and I was introducing myself to the builders and I kind of went into the garden with Sven and I was like fuck's sake like I kind of I expected to see a crane or like a bulldozer or something there's nothing they're ripping up a floor and he was like well did you honestly think they were just going to come in on the first day and knock out the back of the house and I was like yes I did yes yes I was expecting serious movement yeah
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Chapter 5: How do personal experiences influence creative partnerships?
I've moved in I've half packed should I change the kids school and then I had to get back onto the school and I was like sorry lads I'm after going a bit prematurely I have to put them back in for another year how would you not homeschool them that's all the trad wives are doing they seem to be very happy you know what I have so much time on my hands that I would love to homeschool the kids I also am the same I have a lot of time on my hands and I'd
I'd love to come down and teach them civics and Greek and Roman mythology studies.
You are very civicky. You're a civics teacher.
And as you know, I have a first class degree in sociology, just to put that out there once again, and happy to lean in and teach. What was mine? Otto about sociology. Yeah.
Okay.
If I was homeschooling my children, it would just be wall-to-wall nature tables and that'd be the height of it. They'd come out, they'd know what an acorn was, but they couldn't read. I need to lick my wounds.
What's happened?
I just had a weird show.
Why? No, I wouldn't say you did. I had a weird show. Unless you took out like a machete or something and threatened the audience. Besides that, I don't think it could have gone that far. Well, that's exactly what I did. It does sound like something you might do.
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Chapter 6: What are the humorous moments from the marathon experience?
I was quite tired. I was quite tired. Do you know when you're like, just, you're like, I just couldn't get the energy in me. So I apologize. It was grand.
It was fine. No one laughed or anything.
Not that I could see anyway.
My friend went to see you in Sydney. And first of all, Grace, thank you for not asking me to ask Joanne for a ticket. She bought tickets for Anne Square. Usually I'll have people. I'm like, I have to, I don't get back to certain people. I'm like, I'm not asking her for a ticket. I'm just not doing it. But even though you kindly give some, like fair play Grace, she said she had a great time.
Yeah, that's nice. She had a great time.
She didn't go to the Tuesday snail show. It was like an out-of-body experience. I can't explain it. It was mad. And then, of course, I rang Rick, my agent, after and I was like, and he was like, stop. Stop this. Stop self-flagellating. But I think, do you know what?
Rick is like the complete wrong person to ring. He is such a boy's blokey boy. He'd be like, oh God, why is she making me cry?
No, he was actually fine. Now, I didn't cry. It wasn't that bad. But he was like, do you know what? There's always one weak show on a tour and you've just had it and that's it. But I think it's like, do you know when you have a cold sore on your face and you meet someone and you're like, you have to say that you're like, oh, I know I have a cold sore.
Do you ever get that, Joe, where you're like, I've got a spot in my face? Do you not know? Yeah, you get ahead of it. You've got to get ahead of it. Yeah, I know, I know. Yeah, so the show was fine, but it wasn't to what I would like it to be. At one point, I was like, I would literally, I would lie down here on the ground now and just nap. And I had two Red Bulls before I went on.
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Chapter 7: How do the hosts feel about the concept of dating again?
I am very pro-Trump.
We can... Gosh, what a revelation.
Don't you dare tar us all with that book. And while I'm talking about that, Salt Lake City, Las Vegas, Denver, San Francisco, all on sale. Thank you. All on sale.
Yes. And Joanne likes to say basil as well. Okay. Just so we know. Herbs.
I don't believe in the height. I don't believe in the height. Speaking of spelling, can I actually ask you a question?
No, I can't spell jewellery.
I say jewels. Well, no one can spell jewellery. It makes no sense. I can't spell spaghetti or disappointed.
Miss, oh no, I was thinking about that poem from Matilda, but that's Difficulty.
No, I can spell Difficulty, you know, I can obviously spell Mississippi because that obviously comes with a jingle and a tune. But I did a TV show over here yesterday. Yeah. called The Spelling Bee by Guy Montgomery. It is a big show in Australia and ultimately it is comedians spelling shit, right? So I was like, obviously, I'd love to join. I have a degree in English. Fire, fire, fire.
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Chapter 8: What are the thoughts on celebrity relationships and engagements?
I'm finally going to get my comeuppance from Matt. Do you know what? We're thinking about doing a new tour. This sounds like a great piece of content for the tour. A little spelling bee.
A spelling bee. I have to say, the show was a great crack. It was so much fun. Hat. Spell hat. Yeah. I was like... So then I was like... Because when Guy, when we opened the show... He was kind of, you know the way they ask you questions at the start of a show and they're like, oh, so like, you know, in Ireland, he was kind of taking the piss.
He's like, you know, is your language different there? And I was very like, how dare you? This is all very racist coded and how dare you? Obviously, are you going to ask if we have Wi-Fi? Like, obviously we spell like you do. One, two, skip a few. The second I fucked up Caterpillar, I was like, it's different in Ireland.
LAUGHTER
That's how we spell it in Ireland. That's how we spell it in Ireland. Stick to your guns. Yeah. We're our own ethnicity and it's different in our country. I got nearly every single word except the last round, which was literally like cat, mat, sat. Every word. Because I feel like... Because when you're young, you're writing and you're taking it in and you're like... It's just...
The muscle is gone.
Don't, listen, you don't need to feel bad about it. Like, I only got it because I'm such an avid reader. So I see these words crop up for me all the time.
She inhales, inhales books. I made a holy show of myself.
Listen, I know how that feels when you go on a show and you answer something stupidly, but you're also on a show and you're under pressure. It's not the same as spelling caterpillar amongst friends.
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