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Chapter 1: What is discussed at the start of this section?
Hello, and welcome to Reddit Stories. I'm Shane, and this is our new set.
Chocolate Wrench!
Chocolate Wrench!
Chocolate Wrench is there.
They gave him armrests!
They gave him armrests. For those who are listening, I have armrests.
A mini Beverly board. Look at those chunky pancakes.
Chunks. If you're a typical listener of the show, then I guess it's not very different. Maybe the acoustics are a little different for you. I don't know.
Well, does Shane sound more confident because he's in a king chair right now.
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Chapter 2: What are the challenges of friendship in adulthood?
We're talking about friendship breakups versus romantic breakups. And I'm like, I'm the one that goes on the friendship breakup side being like, it's harder.
Oh my God.
And then you go, yeah. And then I go, because when you enter a friendship, there's never like the understanding that we might break up. But with relationships, you're always like, this could not work out. This could happen, right. So when friendship breakups happen, it's so brutal. And then you go, yeah. And then we hug and I have really short hair. I remember this clip.
Because, I mean, like, yeah, like you said, you don't get into a friendship expecting it to end necessarily.
Or, like, expecting it not to work.
And friendships don't necessarily have to end. Like, a relationship kind of, if it's not working, like, it has to end, right? Yeah. Because you have this agreement. Yeah. You're so involved with each other's lives. But a friendship can be like, oh, we just don't see each other as often. It's loosey-goosey. Or whatever. There's no rules. There's not the same rules.
And you're not going into it with a promise. Because also, I think relationships are always labeled just like, oh, it's hard work, hard work. And friendship, it should be just like, oh, you're my friend. You're my friend. It's fun.
But then sometimes you experience something together and you bond so deeply. And then you go, and then they show a side to them that you're like, uh-oh.
Yeah. Uh-oh. Also, a friendship breakup, a romantic breakup can be like, I don't think we work together as a unit for whatever reason. But a friendship breakup is typically, I don't want to see you.
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Chapter 3: How do friendship breakups compare to romantic breakups?
I, a 29-year-old woman, have been good friends with Sally, a 30-year-old woman, since we were eight years old. Ooh. We were inseparable throughout school, but we went to different colleges. I visited her a few times each year she'd visit me, and we'd always meet up at Christmas and summer breaks. After we graduated, I moved about a three-hour drive from where she moved to.
We still caught up often. As normally happens, we established our new professional and social lives, drifted apart, but whenever we caught up, it was like no time had passed. We were there for each other whenever we needed it. When she got married at 25, I was a bridesmaid.
I declined maid of honor because I was concerned with the long commute and I couldn't do all the maid of honor duties required slash expected. She drove to my place to support me when my father had a stroke. I stayed with her when she found out her ex-husband cheated and she filed for divorce.
I always figured that even though life is taking us in different directions, we're always there for each other. Now to her birthday. She turned 30 last week and had a huge party this past weekend. Since it was a milestone birthday, she had it at a banquet hall, all catered, DJ, et cetera. It was at night, so I booked a hotel, drove up, and would drive back home the next day.
When I arrived, I was ushered into a small room with four tables and about 10 other people. There was a portable TV on a trolley with a stream of the party in the bigger room. One of the guests told me Sally invited more people than the main hall could accommodate and she hoped after a few people RSVP'd no, we'd all fit in.
But only one or two people RSVP'd no, so the venue opened a second room for the excess guests. I saw in the stream new people arriving after I did. So I knew I was clearly relegated to the B-Lister room and wasn't brought there because the main room was already filled up. So I left after 15 minutes and took my gift with me.
The next day, as I was preparing to check out of the hotel, Sally called and asked why I didn't show. Apparently, she came to the leftovers room to mingle about 30 minutes after I left and noticed I wasn't there. I told her I did attend, but I didn't realize I'd be watching a stream of her party instead of attending it, which I could have done at home.
She asked if I wanted to catch up for lunch and I could give her my gift then. but I told her I needed to get back home because I had plans for the afternoon. Cue the Instagram story about how people who claim to love her don't show up and she can't help that so many people wanted to celebrate her.
During my drive home, her mother left a voicemail that she was very disappointed in me, but I'm here like, I'm supposed to be one of your best friends and I got the leftover experience. Did I overreact? Am I the asshole here?
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Chapter 4: What are the complexities of being a B-list friend?
Because this also isn't like a wedding where it's like, oh, people, like family, people who need to be at this wedding. It's like, yeah, you're sitting at the back table. This is a birthday. It's like, hey, sorry, like just don't invite those people.
Or just go to a bar.
Like, don't invite those people. But if they're B-list, but then you're going to be so mad if they don't show up or leave.
Ready? Here's what I'm doing. Here's what I'm doing. Do it. Banquet tells me I can't have a certain amount of people in. And my list is big.
Okay. I go. You have a lot of friends.
I go, mm-hmm.
Yeah. Yeah, of course.
And if you play your cards right, you'll be in A room.
Okay, I can't wait.
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Chapter 5: What are the implications of keeping score in friendships?
That to me cancels out. Yeah.
I also am, if we're going to get into that nature, and I am not this type, but if you are going to get into there, it's like, oh, like if you help someone move. the only expectation that I think I would justify is if later on they're moving and it's like of an equal caliber of just like hey, but it's not a transaction.
It should just be like hey, we're friends and we have each other's back or we need each other, not I did this therefore you need to do this.
She not only tests her but she's keeping score.
And that's really scary.
I remember I had a friend in college that would do really nice things. And I never saw it that straightforward, but then it took me a while to be like, oh, when she does this stuff that I don't ask for, it kind of makes me forgive her for stuff that she doesn't do. And that is, I think that that is actually a tactic.
Whether these people know it or not.
She's like, oh, if I drench her, it's a little bit of like love bombing, but like kindness bombing. Being like, I'm going to help you with your move. And now you owe me one. And it's like, I didn't.
And they get really lavish like birthday gifts that you're like, whoa, this is like so nice. And then their birthday comes around and you're like,
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Chapter 6: How can gift-giving create unhealthy expectations?
They're like, I know that you really, really like this thing, so I got it for you. I just thought of you.
It's an instinctive thing.
And then they tally something, and they go, God, that gift.
That made you feel a little bit higher than me, and it was just boxes.
Yes, absolutely. Yeah, no, Angela, I feel like we all know, because I feel like you'll give a great gift, but then you'll be like, oh, yeah, but it's whatever. It's fine. Yeah, exactly. And then I give a gift to you. No, it's literally nothing, and I don't even talk to you.
I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable.
I'm actually leaving, and don't ever talk to me again.
I'm actually moving. Don't see me.
I'm actually moving to another country, so don't ever talk to me.
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Chapter 7: What factors contribute to feeling ostracized in a friend group?
Doing anything that's a giving mentality, like even buying a drink for someone, doing any of that with an ulterior motive is always going to bring a little different to me.
I really wonder if this person's family life had that included.
Probably.
If her mom went on trips and it's just like, how dare you do this thing? Because we just went on a trip. That is so real. Do you know what I mean? It might be like, Parenting or sibling.
It could have been a learned behavior.
No, for sure.
I grew up around a lot of that too. I grew up around a lot of tests. Well, look how good you have it.
I think it's very common. I do think it's a very common thing, but it's something like you gotta check in yourself a little bit.
And also, it makes me feel bad for the person who's testing because you can't just stand up for yourself. I know it's more vulnerable to be like, I don't feel loved by you. So I have to trap you into doing it and then go, put the lights on. Ashton Kutcher, come out. You don't love me. And it's like, you just saying you don't feel that way is enough to the right people.
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Chapter 8: How can past experiences affect current friendship dynamics?
It's... Scary. It's so much better when friends care about you in response and you don't have to trap them into doing it. Yeah, exactly.
Verdict is not the asshole. Comments, not the asshole. Tell her that the brunch was a test to see if she could communicate like an adult without playing mind games and girl tripping and she failed. 16,000 upvotes.
Whoa.
Gosh. Someone said, she sounds exhausting. Drop people that are energy vampires from your life. Someone said, okay, first off, I, a 36-year-old woman, have been there before, and I'll cut to the chase quickly. Let go of that friend. No matter how much it hurts, friend breakups suck, or how much other friends will say you're being unreasonable. Let it go.
It isn't worth being friends with someone who expects you to guess their moods and act accordingly. That's so true. It also isn't worth constantly feeling like a bad friend, so you end up overcompensating later. Trust me, it isn't worth it. I also want to stress that this isn't about communication. It's 100% about control. Yes.
There may be a hole this friend is trying to fill that you just can't, no matter how hard you try, and the more you try, the worse it will get. You are not the asshole.
100% this is control. Okay, I like her. She's a good therapist, Reddit therapist.
Yeah. To a certain degree, because I've heard of people being in situations where you have a friend who constantly is guilting you, constantly making you feel like you're not doing enough for them and stuff. And at a certain point, it's just like, hey, man, I guess I'm not a good enough friend for you. Like, I guess we should not be friends.
Don't you wish that you could say that to yourself back in the day and go, hey, drop this friend. But no, you go through this. They get you to a point where you feel so crazy. And you actually... I don't know if you've ever had a friend to be like, oh, well, you're not going to be good without me. Or like, you'll never make it without me.
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